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Arby
Junior Member

USA
351 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2018 :  02:35:11 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
As stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?


ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.


ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.


GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?


ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.


GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?


ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.


GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.


GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?


ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?


ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.





"Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat; chutzpah is taking the tartar sauce with you! ""

gjshaw
Advanced Member

9255 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2018 :  03:54:43 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
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remingtonoaks
Advanced Member

USA
16148 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2018 :  04:33:45 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I'd give you a big fat smiley, but you can't smile about the truth

Edited by - remingtonoaks on 02/13/2018 04:41:00 AM
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wundudnee
Advanced Member

6158 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2018 :  6:45:46 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A wise friend once told me that a pretty yard is for fools and old people.



Old, foolish person.


Quote from okkim ...
Make a mental note "do not get upset with dumbasses"






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gunnut505
Advanced Member

USA
9924 Posts

Posted - 02/16/2018 :  11:11:52 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Hilarious!
Reminds me of the Neighborhood Association that has my yard on a "watch list", because I'm into zero-maintenance for my "lawn".
Their rules state that anything growing taller than Four Inches tall is an abomination, or a pestilential weed, and is grounds for contacting city zoning to complain.
I researched the city ordinances, and found that "Native Flora" are excused from restrictions; I have the best yardful of cacti, buffalo grass, mesquite bushes, various stones from around the state, and happy ltdbgs lizards on the block!
It ain't Home & Garden, but I own it!

"Qui non est hodie cras minus aptus erit" --OVID

"It never hurts to help!"--EEEK the Cat
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kimi
Advanced Member

USA
44716 Posts

Posted - 02/16/2018 :  2:51:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



What's next

A couple of favorite quotes:

"What goes around comes around."

Abe, climb down from Mt. Rushmore, and vacate the penny. Your days in the pantheon are over, thanks to the scholarship and courage of Thomas J. DiLorenzo. Llewellyn H. Rockwell, Jr.



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jimdeere
Advanced Member

USA
15875 Posts

Posted - 02/16/2018 :  5:42:41 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Nice!

quote:
Originally posted by wundudnee

A wise friend once told me that a pretty yard is for fools and old people.



Old, foolish person.


But avoid foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and vain.
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wpageabc
Advanced Member

USA
7514 Posts

Posted - 02/16/2018 :  6:24:09 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Love it. So true.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u99Q7pNAjvg
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