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Morals question, help needed PLEASE

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Comments

  • Colt SuperColt Super Member Posts: 31,007
    edited November -1
    saw -

    Yep, I've got kin on GD.

    Doug
  • Slow_HandSlow_Hand Member Posts: 2,835
    edited November -1
    A legal separation allows folks to casually date others but the principles are still legally married. It's more of a judgement call in my opinion. If there is a chance that the couple can possibly work things out, then dating only makes things worse. But, if she's told you that your puppy poop, then get on with life but be discrete in case a P.I. is tailing you.
  • spanielsellsspanielsells Member Posts: 12,498
    edited November -1
    Smokeater,

    I went through this exact situation when I was dating. I had an ad up on one of the Internet matchmaking websites, and I got quite a few hits and went out on a number of first dates -- all with married women. [:(!][:(!][:(!] No matter how much screening I tried to do beforehand, they'd never admit to the fact that they were still married prior to that first date. However, during the first date, it would always come up that since these women were unhappy in their marriage, they considered themselves "free" of their vows. It got so bad that I eventually wrote a whole diatribe in my ad explaining what a married woman was (husband out of town a lot, husband abusive, husband not paying attention to you, you're thinking about filing divorce, you've filed but are waiting on the divorce to be final, yada yada yada) and that if you fit MY definition of what a married woman was, then I wasn't interested in dating you.

    Interestingly enough, I never had another first date after that from anyone on that website... LOL.

    So, I met my wife at church. [:D] She was in the middle of a divorce when we met. I was head-over-heels in love, but we remained strictly friends until the divorce was final (we only got together at church or at church functions, boy did I attend a lot of church functions then!). It was actually great -- we had a chance to really get to know each other on a platonic level. Then, when her divorce was final, we started dating.

    This September will be our fifth anniversary.
  • tobefreetobefree Member Posts: 7,401
    edited November -1
    I let a great lady slip thru my fingers not once but twice because I couldn't take part in adding to a failing marriage... I was a fool......
  • nordnord Member Posts: 6,106
    edited November -1
    I've been considering your question since yesterday and concluded that the obvious has been overlooked... And that I must be a moron for not having an immediate answer.

    The obvious is that unlike some others, your standards appear to be high and a quick romp in the sack isn't on top of your list of priorities. Not really, anyway. I'm not standing in judgement here. It's merely a reasonable conclusion drawn from your post and some of the other posts received.

    If there remains a question in your mind of morals or ethics, then it's wrong. My telling you it's right or any of the others above saying "Go for it!" are merely what part of you wants to hear. But you already know what part that is and you already know that it's the wrong decision should you go in that direction.

    The answer becomes even clearer when others are considered. By that I mean the not quite former spouse(s), friends, children, parents, etc. The fact is that if you consider no one but yourself in all but the short term, the answer simply remains the same. You can't do it without causing harm to yourself. Some can, but you can't.

    So... DON'T! The consequences are too great. At the end of the day it's neither a case of morals nor ethics, though they're what caused you to ask. It's a matter of self-protection.

    Me? 38 years with the same bride. Tempted to go elsewhere at times? Yes! Reasons to do so? Maybe, but not good ones! Glad I didn't? You bet! I can honestly say that I'd marry her again without a second thought and I hope she'd say the same.

    I hope your relationship will work out as well as mine. Be patient. If it's intended to be, then it'll be. If not, then a bit of sacktime might be something you'll pay for for the rest of your life.
  • kimberkidkimberkid Member Posts: 8,857 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by k.stanonik
    You asked so here is my response. They may be living apart and the papers are filed, doesnt mean it is over. give her some time after the ink drys then give it a shot, you never know your dating her could be a revenge thing towards the husband. or on the other hand they could decide to try again for some strange reason befor it all goes befor the judge. People can be very strange durring this time and anything can happen.

    +1
    If you really desire something, you'll find a way ?
    ? otherwise, you'll find an excuse.
  • mrseatlemrseatle Member Posts: 15,467 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Similar to the situation that caused John The Baptist to lose his head.

    kyoht00072.jpg

    Morals aside, you don't want to be on the wrong side of the Law.
  • PensfanPensfan Member Posts: 171 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Mk 19
    Don't do it:
    1) She is not divorced yet
    2) your nothing but a rebound guy
    3) stay away if she has kids, it's bad for the kids to see Mom with a new guy so soon after her divorce


    That is word for word my exact response... damnit Mk 19, making me look bad by posting my thoughts first.

    ;)
  • COLTCOLT Member Posts: 12,637 ******
    edited November -1
    ...Though Ive been divorced a time or two...I never was in the position to have to "decide" whether to see anyone until it was final.

    ...If papers are filed, I figure it's a done deal...see whoever you want. After the papers are filed, it's just a matter of time until it is legally over anyway.

    ...If there is a custody battle, that, might cause a problem...I dont know, but your attorney could answer that...[;)]

    ani-texas-flag-1.gif
  • Sav99Sav99 Member Posts: 16,037 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Personaly I would stay away from it all together, heres why; if you started dated her you would, by default, become the rebound guy and be forced to play that role. You can't have a real relationship with someone who is going thru a divorce. In that situation they are simply not themselves. Therefore you would be having a relationship with a person who you could not really even know. Not too many people come out of a divorce emotionaly healthy. So unless you desperately want to tote her emotional burdens around instead of having a mutualy fulfilling relationship, then my opinion is pass on this one. Odds of this working out for you are slim to none.
  • sig232sig232 Member Posts: 8,018
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by sav99
    Personaly I would stay away from it all together, heres why; if you started dated her you would, by default, become the rebound guy and be forced to play that role. You can't have a real relationship with someone who is going thru a divorce. In that situation they are simply not themselves. Therefore you would be having a relationship with a person who you could not really even know. Not too many people come out of a divorce emotionaly healthy. So unless you desperately want to tote her emotional burdens around instead of having a mutualy fulfilling relationship, then my opinion is pass on this one. Odds of this working out for you are slim to none.



    Good solid advice! I have been in the middle of a couple of those situations and they can be dangerous also. A couple can swing back and forth for a time and its not wise to be in the middle of that yo yo.

    You can do the sex thing but then that really angers the other mate since they have not been apart long enough to get over one another. Not a healthy situation, but sometimes the beauty of the gal can overcome the common sense of the brain and you are in the quicksand![:0][:0]

    Good Luck![8D]
  • Colt SuperColt Super Member Posts: 31,007
    edited November -1
  • jaymjaym Member Posts: 120 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My advice is to be careful here. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with going out as friends, without expectations of anything more. It's not a matter of morals in this case, it's a matter of what you want / expect. A number of people have mentioned you being the rebound guy. Have you thought about this possibility? You've got my email address, let me know if you want to talk.
  • p3skykingp3skyking Member Posts: 25,750
    edited November -1
    Depends on the maturity level and if the couple shows adherence to local social rules.

    If even one is immature and would cause trouble, it would be best to wait until the judge signs the decree.
    Personally, if both parties agree that the marriage is over, separate lives can begin at that point without any valid need for either to be uprooted. This would take a rather high degree of sophistication of the individuals. No questions of where, what, or who from either party would be appropriate.
    Jealousy would be a deal breaker though.[xx(]
  • MPinkstonMPinkston Member Posts: 799 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
  • spanielsellsspanielsells Member Posts: 12,498
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by MPinkston
    What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
    As a religious person, I'll state that this is nice in theory but often misinterpreted.
  • gagirlgagirl Member Posts: 5,408
    edited November -1
    It's really up to the individuals involved.
  • p3skykingp3skyking Member Posts: 25,750
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by MPinkston
    What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.


    Sounds okay to me, but all the marriages I've been to had men doing the ceremony.
    Never saw him on the guest list either.[8D]
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