In order to participate in the GunBroker Member forums, you must be logged in with your GunBroker.com account. Click the sign-in button at the top right of the forums page to get connected.
Options
beyond simply "selfish" - what's wrong with me?
callktulu
Member Posts: 3,451 ✭✭✭
Need some serious advice and help, please. I'm having a really bad time in my relationship right now. Been married 15 years and I'm not going to go into the specific details of why I'm the reason it's falling apart. But it's mainly due to the fact that I'm selfish.
But it's beyond that, I care about other and care for my wife, but I'm not PASSIONATE. And her argument is valid - if it doesn't affect me, then it's like it's not happening at all. I know I should feel upset, anger, etc. if something happens that upsets her. Or if someone were to be mean to our kids, I should fly off the handle. But I don't. It's not that I feel NOTHING, but it just doesn't cause the same reaction in me.
So besides just simply labeling it "selfish," is there something wrong with me?
But it's beyond that, I care about other and care for my wife, but I'm not PASSIONATE. And her argument is valid - if it doesn't affect me, then it's like it's not happening at all. I know I should feel upset, anger, etc. if something happens that upsets her. Or if someone were to be mean to our kids, I should fly off the handle. But I don't. It's not that I feel NOTHING, but it just doesn't cause the same reaction in me.
So besides just simply labeling it "selfish," is there something wrong with me?
Comments
You may have emotional blocks or your wife may be hyper sensitive and think she is normal.
No, she's right, I understand & recognize that. What's emotional blocks?
its not that i dont care, its that i avoid the bs drama,
your milage may vary jmho
its not that i dont care, its that i avoid the bs drama,
your milage may vary jmho
Oh, I definitely like to avoid drama. But I will prefer to stick my head in a hole and let stuff blow over. I know that's not usually a good solution, but I am a coward in that respect.
Being slow to anger and calm when others are hopping mad is something I've always prided myself on. It just means I'm more focused and will take the time to do it properly when I rip someone's head off and poop down their throat.
At the other end of the spectrum, I enjoy a good joke and will laugh 'til it hurts right along with everyone else.
You mention you're not easily angered. What about the other end of the spectrum? Do you get wound up and excited about the good things? Cut up and get silly enjoying a good laugh when called for?
Sometimes. It just depends on the situation. Sometimes I don't find things funny when the kids are being silly. Other times I am. I'm moody, that's for damn sure.
quote:Originally posted by kidthatsirish
You may have emotional blocks or your wife may be hyper sensitive and think she is normal.
No, she's right, I understand & recognize that. What's emotional blocks?
Something happen in your past that ever require you to "be the man" and "keep it together" more often than you should have or at ages that should not be expected for you to?...it becomes a sort of defense mechanism. Happened to me when I was 12-15 with my parents. I basically had to become their emotional stability... I got used to dealing with a lot of things that we typically don't think a boy that age should have to deal with...I developed emotional blocks in response to this....didn't really effect me till years later when I was married....had two unborn children die along in pregnancy. I barley showed any emotion whatsoever. I'm not saying I should have been bawling like a baby for weeks on end, but to my wife it didn't even seem like I was affected whatsoever. We went to a marriage counselor, more for her than me I think/thought, until I realized that while I'm not given much to tears our losing my temper (I don't think flying off the handle is good) I had to learn to articulate in words effectively to my wife how it was affecting me so that she could realize that while I may not cry like some or get red faced like some, that I was still a human being who did care and felt emotions, I just don't express them. I might look at her straight faced and tell her I'm sad or I'm angry, but at least she has now gotten some kind of indication of what's going on in my head.
Something happen in your past that ever require you to "be the man" and "keep it together" more often than you should have or at ages that should not be expected for you to?
I don't think so. I know going to the Air Force Academy seriously screwed with my head. I still have anxiety nightmares and overall depression issues from that.
Really, since you know the problem and the reason, it is a no brainer on the solution. If you really want her then put her on the top of your world so she feels it. She sounds worth it to you so it's quite simple. Things that are most important in your life are worth the extra work to keep and maintain. You will be surprised at the rewards that will come your way.
Most relationships that end early are because they never tried to figure out the problem so the solution was never seen.
Good Luck to you and to her. I wish you the best!
You say you care about your wife and your relationship is falling apart because your selfish and not passionate.
Really, since you know the problem and the reason, it is a no brainer on the solution. If you really want her then put her on the top of your world so she feels it. She sounds worth it to you so it's quite simple. Things that are most important in your life are worth the extra work to keep and maintain. You will be surprised at the rewards that will come your way.
Most relationships that end early are because they never tried to figure out the problem so the solution was never seen.
Good Luck to you and to her. I wish you the best!
See, I do know that, but I guess maybe I don't know HOW? Or I just get distracted or procrastinate or just don't care enough. I don't know how to flip a switch and make it a priority for ME.
quote:Originally posted by oldgunman
You say you care about your wife and your relationship is falling apart because your selfish and not passionate.
Really, since you know the problem and the reason, it is a no brainer on the solution. If you really want her then put her on the top of your world so she feels it. She sounds worth it to you so it's quite simple. Things that are most important in your life are worth the extra work to keep and maintain. You will be surprised at the rewards that will come your way.
Most relationships that end early are because they never tried to figure out the problem so the solution was never seen.
Good Luck to you and to her. I wish you the best!
See, I do know that, but I guess maybe I don't know HOW? Or I just get distracted or procrastinate or just don't care enough. I don't know how to flip a switch and make it a priority for ME.
I'm no expert, but an old fella once told me that if you think of the other person's needs first, then you'll never have problems in your marriage.
Hope things work out for ya.
Good luck,
Dan
I don't think so. I know going to the Air Force Academy seriously screwed with my head. I still have anxiety nightmares and overall depression issues from that.
I know this is going to come across as *, and i apologize....but PTSD from the Air Force Academy?
Did they run out of ice cream in the chow hall or something? [:)]
As far as the issues with your wife...I'm probably guilty of the same things you describe. Mostly I've found that just talking more to her helps. If she wants to rant for two hours about her day...listen, even if you don't particularly care [:)]. Maybe even provide some feedback.
Get some sunshine, exercise and talk to a doc about some meds.
I waited almost too long but it has helped a bunch.
I was spending too much time on computer forums and not doing much else and knew something had to be done. Meds helped, along with some changes in lifestyle ( and support from my wife of 40 years).
Got some of my old woodworking tools out of storage and started doing something I liked and things got a lot better.
good luck.
I know this is going to come across as *, and i apologize....but PTSD from the Air Force Academy?
Did they run out of ice cream in the chow hall or something? [:)]
I never said PTSD, nor would I EVER claim something like that. I get nightmares, as do most of my classmates (in fact, we just had a long thread about it amongst us on Facebook). PTSD is a very serious issue, and I've never been through anything in my life like combat.
#716;n?rs#601;#712;sistik/
adjective
adjective: narcissistic
having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.
"a narcissistic actress"
synonyms: vain, self-loving, self-admiring, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, conceited, self-centered, self-regarding, egotistic, egotistical, egoistic; informalfull of oneself
"she was never happy in the narcissistic life that her press agent and manager had crafted for her"
relating to narcissism.
"narcissistic personality disorder"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
e?go?tis?ti?cal
#716;#275;#609;#601;#712;tist#601;k(#601;)l/
adjective
adjective: egotistical
excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered.
if that describes what you have described about yourself, you didnt get that from past experience or trauma, you need to own that and quit blaming anyone but yourself
Please pm me anytime if you want a ear , I was there and didn't know how to get from there to here but, found some clarity.
I finally have hope
Ros
Seriously though, look to a professional for help, it would be a shame to flush 15 years down the tube for the lack of really trying to fix whatever the problems are.
quote:Originally posted by evileye fleagal
its not that i dont care, its that i avoid the bs drama,
your milage may vary jmho
Oh, I definitely like to avoid drama. But I will prefer to stick my head in a hole and let stuff blow over. I know that's not usually a good solution, but I am a coward in that respect.
Well you can do like I did be loving, assertive, positive, God fearing and reactionary to input. That did not work worth a crap in any of my three marriages and divorces.
I have learned that no matter your answer; you are wrong. There is no pleasing the female of the species, they don't think like we do.
I have been to one twice. I saw the same lady several years apart. My wife told me to go our we were splitting up. The shrink really really helped. She told me i need to shoot and fish more.
I have never been selfish in my life. My problem was i was to friendly. I consider myself a mans man and i am not ashamed to have help. I have been through way more than my share of things.
A strong man will ask for help. Knowing you have a problem is the hard part. The rest will be easy. Talk to a professional. I thought they would not be able to help and that they would be a joke. Made all the difference in the world.
Good Luck
Get roaring drunk and beat her up a couple of times and she'll beg you to go back to your old self.
You never seem to run out of them. [:D]
As a pilot you can't afford to get emotional when things go very wrong as they sometimes do or accepting killing people not in self defense.
Detachment from reality becomes an asset.
In some situations/ jobs it can be a critical asset.
As for expecting courtship level passion after 15 years, it's unrealistic and selfish.
Many married women seeking the excitement of high levels of passion often take lovers to get it. Look at the numbers.
Get some impartial professional counseling on this.
I guess maybe I don't know HOW? Or I just get distracted or procrastinate or just don't care enough. I don't know how to flip a switch and make it a priority for ME.
If it's important enough, you WILL find a way to make it a priority.
Either that or. . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
I suspect this is a common consequence of the "Me Generation" coupled with Pilot training.
As a pilot you can't afford to get emotional when things go very wrong as they sometimes do or accepting killing people not in self defense.
Pilot training? You've lost me.....
Anyone who happens to have this syndrome tends to be a little self absorbed. I also think that this is what makes guys less moody....more level headed and generally less drama filled than people who do not have this problem.
quote:Originally posted by v35
I suspect this is a common consequence of the "Me Generation" coupled with Pilot training.
As a pilot you can't afford to get emotional when things go very wrong as they sometimes do or accepting killing people not in self defense.
Pilot training? You've lost me.....
We are taught to compartmentalize....you are to put things in their box and not allow bleed over of one thing to the next....at least thats how the training used to be.