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A Year Ago Yesterday

CaptplaidCaptplaid Member Posts: 20,271 ✭✭✭
edited August 2009 in General Discussion
A year ago yesterday my dad past away. I loved him. I miss him. But this also marks the end of the fiscal year for the estate and much of my duties as executor. That is a reason to celebrate. This is a very awkward and weird moment. Not only is the weight lifted off my shoulders as executor, but things also worked out. He made this mess work!,can,make,this,work

We had a lot of transitions. Get the old grain out of the bins. Get the fields harvested. Prepare some stuff for a consignment sale. Sell the cows. Satisfy the banker. Pay the loans to the bank. Pay the loan to a relative. Sell the 4wd tractor. Finish the engine rebuild on the other 4wd. Clean. Clean. Clean. Scrap. Scrap. Scrap. Have a carpenter install a steel roof, back porch, replace the back door, and install some aluminum siding on the house. Have gutters installed. We pulled out old drywall and plaster with water damage, replace it and paint it. (Monday we nail the trim.) 1 furnace and air conditioner was installed and another furnace and air conditioner was replaced. 5 1/2 tons of air conditioner. We cleaned and cleaned more. The carpet comes Thursday.

Oh yeah, we burned the church down also.

Yes, there is was some celebration. The estate (mom's money) also bought mom a big flat screen. Funny how our moms won't spend money on themselves. THey won't come around and say "Yes I want a big TV", but they want the dang thing anyway. The estate also bought two JD lawn mowers and a JD Gator. The building and grounds will be kept up with.
Some may say this was excessive, but after the last year, what the heck. Maybe if it was decided the estate needed a Mustang convertible, that might be excessive, but no, a couple of lawn mowers, and a big TV is not bad.

My sister, the squatter, will move in with mom soon. It's a big old farm house and my sister's house is condemnable. My sister is also a slob who does not take responsibility for maintenance. So this does solve two problems, companionship for mom, and a roof for squatter. There will also have to be some accountability. This house will be maintained.

I didn't do this all my self. Besides my wife, I also partnered up with an old friend form college. We both went to Junior College together (no not a community college but Joliet Junior College) I went on to Southern Ill and he went to work. We made a fine little farm for himself and ended up at the parts counter for a JD dealership.

Partnering with him was the smartest move I made. our equipment compliments each other nicely. He has proven to be the best adviser possible, and together we accomplished more than anyone would have imagined. He was a lot of help getting the house up to speed. I guess it was a three way partnership. We get the house up to speed for Mom. I get to use Mom's equipment and he farms 50% with me. It wasn't a perfect arrangement, but it worked. Was it fair to Mom? Was it fair to me? Was it fair to him? You could argue "no" to each but it worked. Yes, he walked away with some equipment, like an old '75 grain truck that did not run, a vibra shank field cultivator (small manual fold wings) and an IH 3pt chisel plow. Dang, I was scared what some other relatives would say if they found out about the arrangement, but it worked better than anyone would have imagined and it was worth every penny.

Unfortunately I made a couple of enemies in the family. My cousin hates me. Hell, he hates the world also. I also pissed off a cousin of Dad's who felt he deserved to rent the farm ground.

I'd like to say who cares what cousins think. The goals were accomplished and that is what matters. I have to look out for Mom, my sister and myself first, but I have too much damn empathy not to care.

Over the last year we have developed a sense that this family is in it together, Mom, my sister, my wife, my self and yes, my friend and partner. We are in it together and we have accomplished more than anyone imagined. I remeber when we were sitting in the lawyer's conference room last August and he is almost yelling "HOW IS SALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE A RETIRED LIVING". I responded something like "That's what I've been asking myself for the last week!" But He made it work.

You'll notice I didn't mention much about morning. I haven't had much time for that in the last year. It largely ended the first monday after the funeral. The theme for that day almost a year ago was "The bleeding stops today".

One year later, the bleeding has nearly stopped, but is it too late to learn to morn somewhat properly? Seriously, is it too late? Much of the morning I did last August was more about the weight of the load I had to bear and not as much about the loss. The size of the debt and mess the estate was in was incredible. It was a heavy load, but is it too late to have anything that resembles a proper morning?

I'd like to think the size and quality of head stone matters, but yet that is still superficial. He got the best of stones and it complements his parents stone in the little country cemetery for Freedom Lutheran Church. You could say I've done well and he would be proud, but I don't know. What is the accomplishment if you neglect to take the time to morn the loss properly? He was my Dad. He was a great man.


  • dcon12dcon12 Member Posts: 31,563 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I would like to think if I had known my dad I could have been as good son as you have been. Don
  • HandLoadHandLoad Member Posts: 15,998
    edited November -1
    Here and there, for years to come, some thought will come to mind, or you will hear your Old Man say something through your mouth, and you will remember, mourn a little, and celebrate a little. You will think of things that increase your admiration of him, and you will remember. In these small ways, Important and Loving, you will mourn, Most of the Immediate Mourning is really kinda Selfish, IMHO - I wished the lost one was here, regretted things I needed to say, etc. It was mostly about me. The little things that happen as the months pass are really the best part of the mourning process, because they are in appreciation and remembrance - they are really for me the better way and better part of the whole process.

    Sounds like you are being a full adult, and are doing a dang good job. Hat's off to ya.
  • VirgilCaineVirgilCaine Member Posts: 858 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you handled things as they should be handled. Good on you.

    Those who still have a parent need to appreciate that fact and show them how much they are loved. Go see them, cook a meal for them or take them somewhere that they would enjoy.
  • n/an/a Member Posts: 168,427
    edited November -1
    Capt. if you feel you need to mourn, then take the time to do so.
    Do not feel guilty somehow, if your unable to mourn like you think you should. You loved your Dad, and you accomplished a great DEAL of tasks for him, your mom AND your sister. Your father IS proud of you, fine sir. You are a good son, and you take excellent care of your family.

    Only you can truely know, if your done mourning. I suspect you have mourned the only way you know how. There is nothing wrong with that.

    Time to sit back and be very proud of your accomplishments. You worked hard at it, and did good. Isn't that all we can do, afterall?

  • proappproapp Member Posts: 3,264
    edited November -1
    weird reading this today. this is really the first week ive felt kinda normal since losing my mother 7 months ago. settling everything for the estate has been a hand full. the crying times are getting further apart for me and my sis, but man,ill tell you, somedays i just couldnt put my feet on the floor.

    glad to hear your doing ok.

  • HighballHighball Member Posts: 15,755
    edited November -1
    Sounds to me like you are mourning him as he would wish you too....keeping up the family farm.

    You will be walking down some path and will remember something he did right at that opoint..and a tear will moisten your eye..when you set the seat of the tractor you will remember watching him come around that same WILL, as you allow yourself, honor him in the best way there is...KEEP THE FARM MOVING FORWARD.

    Over the years, I have seen sons fritter away the family farm/fortune within a few years.
    I always figgured that they hated their dads....

    You are doing it right. Its tough..but you got it to do. He would want it.
  • pickenuppickenup Member Posts: 22,846 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Sounds like a rough year, but it is all working out.
    You did good.
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