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Lawyer Joke

ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
edited November 2003 in General Discussion
What is the difference between a dead possum and a dead lawyer in the road??

There are skid marks to the possum!


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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
    quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
    business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
    newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
    commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
    neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
    from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
    testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
    firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
    up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
    Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
    back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
    effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
    saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it
    was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," the woman replies... "Divorce Attorney."

    The part that is unbelievable is her giving back the quarter.
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A lawyer was getting out of his beloved BMW when a car came speeding along and ripped the door of the car.
    When the police arrived the irate man was jumping up and down and screaming about his Beemers door being mangled. The officer gets out and says you lawyers are so materialistic, you really kill me, you are so mad about the car being damaged that you didn't even notice that your arm has been ripped off too.
    The lawyer looks down at his bloody stump and says oh my God where is my Rolex. TLR


    "My doctor said oil was a good health supplement!"
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Lawyer joke

    Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

    One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

    The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're
    hallucinating and you should come down right now."

    So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward their island.

    The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, face up, gorgeous body and breasts and totally unconscious.

    The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes, she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know ... screw her?"

    The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked,
    "Out of what?!!"[;)][}:)][:I]

    "To expect bad people not to do wrong is madness, for he who expects this desires an impossibility. But to allow people to behave so to others, and to expect them not to do you any wrong, is irrational and tyrannical." --Marcus Aurelius
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Marriage Made in Heaven

    A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
    St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

    Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

    He says, "I'm still working on it."

    Two years pass by and no marriage.

    St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

    Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

    The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

    "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

    St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

    "Girls often say it's not the size of the boat, and it's the motion of the ocean, well I'll tell you this it takes a hell of a long time to get to England on a row boat"
    "Marrying for sex is like taking a plane ride for peanuts"
    -Jeff Foxworthy
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ______________________ ________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you pooptin' me?
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Are you pooptin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?

    They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

    Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

    After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

    The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

    When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    [8D] very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

    His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

    "My God!" screamed the lawyer. (scroll down)

    "Where's my Rolex?!?"

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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A lawyer went out to a client's farm to deliver some paperwork and get paid .
    The farmer is satisfied and ask about total bill .
    The lawyer said it was $100 and the farmer paid him and he left .
    Driving down the road ,the lawyer got the $100 bill to put it in an envelope.
    As he did he realized that the farmer had given him 2 $100 bills that were stuck together.
    This presented the lawyer with a moral dilemma.
    Should he tell his partner ?[:D][:D]
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Ok, so theres this trucker, and he really hates lawyers, so everytime he sees a lawyer, he swerves his big rig at them and hits them, and then he hears a thump under his truck. So one day the trucker is driving and he sees this priest, so he stops and picks up the priest, so there driving along and then the trucker sees a lawyer, so he swerves at the lawyer, but then realizes he has a priest in the cab, and swerves back, doesnt hit the lawyer, but he still heares a thud, he confesses to the priest about trying to run the lawyer over, The priest said, dont worry my son, i got him with the door.
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    rordogrordog Member Posts: 363 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I just love it when someone dosn't say something unless it's a fact.[:D][:D]
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    gunnut505gunnut505 Member Posts: 10,290
    edited November -1
    What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?


    How can you tell if your lawyer's well-hung?

    You can't get but one finger 'tween his neck and the rope!

    Why do lawyers wear neckties?

    Keeps the foreskin from covering their entire head!

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a maggot?

    one's a nasty, slimy, carrion-eating scumsucker, and the other's a bug larva.

    If you know it all; you must have been listening.WEAR EAR PROTECTION!
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    gruntledgruntled Member Posts: 8,218 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Has everybody seen the news shot of the guy shooting the lawyer?
    All kinds of comments I would like to make but guess I better not.
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    chuckchuck Member Posts: 4,911
    edited November -1
    Last week I was working at the gun shop and a lawyer came in and bought a new Rifle and a Scope, we put scopes on rifles for Free, even if they did not buy from us, I allways have the customer aline up the cross hairs and eye relief, the attorney was having troble getting the cross hairs straight, So I told him, being an Attorney it should NOT matter if the cross hairs were a little CROOKED.[:D][:D][:D][:D]
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    wizard78wizard78 Member Posts: 3,144
    edited November -1
    LOL. [:D] [8D]

    Fight Crime, Shoot First
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