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Ban Bread - Just Like Cigarettes
jdyer
Member Posts: 795 ✭✭✭✭
Ban Bread- Same Argument to Ban Tobacco
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score BELOW AVERAGE on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. Please send
this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
Screw Allah & Have a Great Day!
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score BELOW AVERAGE on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. Please send
this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
Screw Allah & Have a Great Day!
Comments
If god meant for us to talk more than we listened he'd have given us one ear and two mouths- Vince Lombardi
Everyone knows that butter's bad for you -
of course ban bread! Like there's a question
about it!
[:(]
Mateomasfeo
"I am what I am!" - Popeye
meat, fish and whole grains (not bread), washed down with beer.
Which apparently will make you hate the sight of ..... guns