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Psychology experts please help

benzappedbenzapped Member Posts: 328 ✭✭✭
edited June 2005 in General Discussion
A guy in my neighborhood has a personality where he tries to control his friends' friendships. If he likes someone it is alright with him for his friends to like them. If he does not like someone then you can not be his friend if they are a friend of yours.

He demands this personality trait of his family too.

He is also very his way in everything he does and condemning of others who don't think like he thinks. Needless to say his friendship circle is not wide.

Our minister says it is some sort of behavior addiction and not healthy for him or his family.

I looked for material on more clear definitions of this and how to help someone like him but cannot seem to find anything specific.

Does anyone here have any experience with people like this? And maybe some suggested reading on the subject?

Thanks in advance for your input.

Comments

  • n/an/a Member Posts: 168,427
    edited November -1
    I know people that can have only one friend at a time and expect you to do the same,, I bluntly told them, If you dont like my other friends then maybe your not really my friend..Works[:D]

    yo-yo.gif
  • bigtirebigtire Member Posts: 24,800
    edited November -1
    Sounds like some sort of personality disorder. You cannot fix him. Don't even try. The only thing you can do is tell it like it is.

    MOLON LABE!
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    An evil tree bears evil fruit. You can destroy as much fruit as you want, but it will always grow back, and it will always be evil.

    Tear the tree out of the ground by the roots and burn it. Burn it to ash and grind out the embers with your boot until there's nothing left. Not a single spark. Not a single seed.
  • benzappedbenzapped Member Posts: 328 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Classic095
    I know people that can have only one friend at a time and expect you to do the same,, I bluntly told them, If you dont like my other friends then maybe your not really my friend..Works[:D]

    As far as close friendships (running buddies) are concerned this guy only has one at a time. They last about 1-2 years.
  • ElMuertoMonkeyElMuertoMonkey Member Posts: 12,898
    edited November -1
    He's a control freak. That's about as technical a term as you need.

    As far as dealing with him? Easy - don't deal with him. Because unless he's the only source of oxygen within a one thousand mile radius, you really don't need that sort of grief.

    Tell him to go f**k himself and go on your merry way.
  • n/an/a Member Posts: 168,427
    edited November -1
    Just be honest with him. tell him what you feel and ifn that dont work for him.. then time for a new friend..[:D]

    yo-yo.gif
  • woodshermitwoodshermit Member Posts: 2,589
    edited November -1
    Folks who are unable to control something in their own lives, ie alcohol, drugs, sexual compulsions, etc. externalize their fears and lack of control through trying to control other people. He's not going to admit to this, of course. While it is natural to want to "help", there is nothing you can really do unless he asks you. Anyone with experiece dealing with alcoholics or drug addicts can attest to that. See Step One in the Blue Book.
  • select-fireselect-fire Member Posts: 62,758 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Sounds like one hell of a conflict of interest. If a friend of mine likes someone I don't big deal. Maybe they get along with them and I don't.
  • bsallybsally Member Posts: 3,165
    edited November -1
    I think almost everyone has met someone like him. Usually the hot headed bully in school. "liked" only because many are afraid of their type. Usually just best avoided and not try to learn to deal with them.

    quote:Psychology experts
    That's funny![:D][;)]

    SALLY
    Committee member-Ducks Unlimited
  • benzappedbenzapped Member Posts: 328 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You guys have given me some good suggestions. Thank you. Normally I would just leave someone who is difficult alone and go my way but I do worry about his extreme unhappiness and that of his family. But you are likely right on my not being able to do anything to help. He needs bigger help than I am qualified ot give.
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    Sounds like a control freak to me, too. Sounds a lot like Mike's adoptive "Mom". Whatever she does for you, every kind act, every 'favor', will always come with some price tag attached. Mike no longer even talks to her, if she died tomorrow, I wouldn't attend the funeral, and I am not a hard person. These people are the vampires of the mental health community. Spend an hour with them and you literally feel drained. There isn't enough love or recognition in the world for them. Personally, and I'm not a psychologist of any sort, and mean no disrespect to the profession, I would suspect some sort of either narcisistic (sp?) or borderline personality disorder, or possibly bipolar.

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".
  • JorgeJorge Member Posts: 10,656
    edited November -1
    The traits you are describing seem as those of a patient suffering from narcisitic personality disorder.

    www.mentalhealth.com

    2002-05-21-shark.jpg

    "A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity."
    Sigmund Freud, "General Introduction to Psychoanalysis".
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Polite Psycho
    The traits you are describing seem as those of a patient suffering from narcisitic personality disorder.

    www.mentalhealth.com

    2002-05-21-shark.jpg

    "A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity."
    Sigmund Freud, "General Introduction to Psychoanalysis".



    Wow..Great site, Psycho...I'm adding it to my "Favorites"...

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".
  • DancesWithSheepDancesWithSheep Member Posts: 13,043
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Polite Psycho
    The traits you are describing seem as those of a patient suffering from narcisitic personality disorder.

    Yes, and you don't become that way, you stay that way--stalled in a normal stage of childhood development that most people grow out of by the time they reach puberty.
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    In other words, walk away while you can.

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".
  • BlckhrnBlckhrn Member Posts: 5,136
    edited November -1
    Psychiatrists and their associates have a term called "ego boundaries," or a kind of wall you build around yourself out of your opinion of yourself. The stronger these opinions, the stronger the wall.

    Your friend has a personality disorder having to do with control issues, as stated above. If he is indeed a friend, the best thing you can do is tell it like it is, also as stated above, and keep your ego boundaries strong because without that you will take a verbal beating. If you can listen to his crap and dismiss it by reminding yourself, for example, that it doesn't concern or affect you because you know he is wrong your friendship may survive the storm.

    There is no cure for personality disorders, but the afflicted ones sometime learn to control their nature. First he has to accept the fact that it is not the rest of the world that is wrong but him. Unfortunately, most people with personality disorders will not come to that realization before their late 30's or early 40's.

    If you really want to put the effort into him you should be able to develop skills to make yourself heard in time. Good luck.

    york.bmp"No taxation without representation, Join the NRA"
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    No offense, Blackhorn, but telling someone with a personality disorder that they have a personality disorder and should seek treatment is usually pointless.
    NOt that I'm saying that proper theraputic treatment couldn't help, the difficulty with a personality disorder is convincing the person with the disorder that they have a disorder.Especially with the narcissistic personality, they are absolutetly sure that the rest of the world is just screwed up and they are functioning on "normal".

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".
  • benzappedbenzapped Member Posts: 328 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Polite Psycho
    The traits you are describing seem as those of a patient suffering from narcisitic personality disorder.

    www.mentalhealth.com


    Great site. Thanks. I looked up the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it listed some diagnostic criteria. Here are some that describe my neighbor:

    1 - believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

    2 - requires excessive admiration

    3 - has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

    4 - is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

    5 - lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

    6 - is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

    7 - shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes



    Thank you again for all the inputs. They are helping me sort this out.
  • BlueTicBlueTic Member Posts: 4,072
    edited November -1
    Maybe you should just introduce him to your Minister - sometimes our role is to get the right people together instead of trying to fix the unknown. You never know (and I don't think the psychologists do either).....

    IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY RIGHTS - GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY (this includes politicians)<P>
  • JamesRKJamesRK Member Posts: 25,672 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If you want to be concerned about something, maybe you should wonder why you want to make friends with an dude. If being unhappy makes him happy, good on im. If he's as bad as you say, his family is temporary.

    MCsig01.jpg
    The road to hell is paved with COMPROMISE.
  • BlckhrnBlckhrn Member Posts: 5,136
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by rcrxs old lady
    No offense, Blackhorn, but telling someone with a personality disorder that they have a personality disorder and should seek treatment is usually pointless.
    NOt that I'm saying that proper theraputic treatment couldn't help, the difficulty with a personality disorder is convincing the person with the disorder that they have a disorder.Especially with the narcissistic personality, they are absolutetly sure that the rest of the world is just screwed up and they are functioning on "normal".

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".


    No offense, rcxr's, but if you'd take the time to read my post you'd discover that I never made any recommendations to inform the person that he has a personality disorder or to seek treatment.

    But thanks for sharing anyhow.

    york.bmp"No taxation without representation, Join the NRA"
  • walliewallie Member Posts: 12,171
    edited November -1
    WOW! This guy is way off base.......I have 2 wifes and 4 girl friends and we all get along fine[:)]
  • benzappedbenzapped Member Posts: 328 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by JamesRK
    If you want to be concerned about something, maybe you should wonder why you want to make friends with an dude. If being unhappy makes him happy, good on im. If he's as bad as you say, his family is temporary.

    My Lord commands me to love my neighbor. Love being defined as wanting the best for someone even if it means putting myself second. Has nothing to do with liking someone or being their friend. Simply loving them.
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Blckhrn
    quote:Originally posted by rcrxs old lady
    No offense, Blackhorn, but telling someone with a personality disorder that they have a personality disorder and should seek treatment is usually pointless.
    NOt that I'm saying that proper theraputic treatment couldn't help, the difficulty with a personality disorder is convincing the person with the disorder that they have a disorder.Especially with the narcissistic personality, they are absolutetly sure that the rest of the world is just screwed up and they are functioning on "normal".

    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".


    No offense, rcxr's, but if you'd take the time to read my post you'd discover that I never made any recommendations to inform the person that he has a personality disorder or to seek treatment.

    But thanks for sharing anyhow.

    york.bmp"No taxation without representation, Join the NRA"


    Sure blackhorn, anytime. What part of "NO OFFENSE INTENDED" did you not understand? I submit my profuse appologies for the misunderstanding.



    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".
  • bpostbpost Member Posts: 30,976 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    After 26 years in sales I can give you a difinitive answer.

    He is an A-HOLE, pure and simple, he also has small BallPark Frank syndrome compounded by feelings of rejection from his momma.
  • BlckhrnBlckhrn Member Posts: 5,136
    edited November -1
    quote:



    Sure blackhorn, anytime. What part of "NO OFFENSE INTENDED" did you not understand? I submit my profuse appologies for the misunderstanding.



    Everyone is somebody's "weirdo".


    None taken whatsoever. I was just trying to make a clarification, don't like being misquoted.

    york.bmp"No taxation without representation, Join the NRA"
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