In order to participate in the GunBroker Member forums, you must be logged in with your GunBroker.com account. Click the sign-in button at the top right of the forums page to get connected.
Jokes
hooch31L
Member Posts: 1,650 ✭✭✭✭✭
THIS IS A OLD WON MY GRANPAPPY TOLD ME YEARS AGO,
HOW TO CATCH A BEAR DIG A BIG HOLE FILL IT WITH ASHES,LINE THE OUTSIDE WITH PEAS,NOW WHEN THE BEAR COMES OVER TO TAKE A PEA.KICK HIM IN THE ASHOLE ..
HOW TO CATCH A BEAR DIG A BIG HOLE FILL IT WITH ASHES,LINE THE OUTSIDE WITH PEAS,NOW WHEN THE BEAR COMES OVER TO TAKE A PEA.KICK HIM IN THE ASHOLE ..
Comments
have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three
germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't
think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think
they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
********************* *****************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************************************************
If Iraq attacks Turkey "from behind" do you think "Greece" will help.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Runner Up:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, *?"
And Still Another Runner Up:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "That driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Amazing - Another Runner Up:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Last Runner Up:
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another `Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."
Howard Daughters
I love reading jokes on here. I check in at least 1 time a day to see the jokes.
On days when i feel terrible Savages jokes will pick me up some.
I have friends of all races and sexes and religions.
I dislike any lazy, no working, piece of trash no matter the race or religion.
I have a few good friends that are Muslims and they are more upset about the radical muslims than anyone i know. The ones i know are hard workers trying to get ahead.
I find no jokes of race, religion, sexual orientation or anything else to be offensive.
People do not realize how hard it is to make it through day after day of constant pain. I make it by reading books and the jokes on GB.
I usually read all the topics on GB but there are days and weeks when i will not post because i feel bad.
I am not raciest i like jokes about everything.
I just told a lie i am raciest but not against a race i can not deal with lazy people, people who steal, and people to sorry to work.
Other than that i love everybody.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Democracy: You have two cows. Government taxes force you to sell them in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
*************************************************************
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off me hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull poop in me eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was me first day with me hook."
**********************************************************************
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
**********************************************************************
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I'm required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most-your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss' bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss' house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle
of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
Top nine reasons computers must be male....
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. The lights are on but nobody's home.
8. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
9. Size does matter.
There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited
to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide
his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to
explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted hand-
kerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which
says, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really
look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says, "Dear
Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple!"
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, *?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'
The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk
Chuck
If man thinks for one minute he understands women, he's timed it about right
A senior at Texas A&M was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas. When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas because everything happens in East Texas 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The
University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those East Texas women.
[:D][:D][:D][:D]
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
"OLD" IS WHEN - Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN - A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN - Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes.
Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: "what's a 4-letter word that means 'woman' that ends in unt?"
His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, "I have it. it's Aunt."
"Oh dear", says the pope, "do you have an eraser?"
and tons of them!
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're eighty two." "How's you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. `But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. `What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
Thanks in advance.
Goldstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Goldstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Goldstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
=================================================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every
evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with
anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
==================================================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
==================================================
Lou was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, Lou," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob", she said.
With his last breath Lou said, "I do!"
=================================================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: And he that hath no sword,let him sell his garment, and buy one
__________________________________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
_________________________________________________________________
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_________________________________________________________________
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
_______________________________________________________________
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
_____________________________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks.'
A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are
way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where
she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work.'
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] Now I GOTTA Go. See ya...
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will bring a smile...
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, a very handsome man indeed, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
'Breast-fed,' she replied.' Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
___________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
___________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work,
and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the poop out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'