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good one

moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
edited February 2008 in General Discussion
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    The president is walking out of the white house and heading toward his limo,when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A service agent,new on the job,shouts " Mickey Mouse !" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks,"What the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?" Blushing the agent replies,I got nervous.I meant to shout....Donald,Duck !
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    Been posted before, but this time I pulled it from Face Book posted by a Lutheran Minister.


    quote:US Gun Statistics

    (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
    (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
    (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

    (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services)

    Guns
    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
    Yes, that is 80 million.

    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
    (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

    Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
    Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

    Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

    just thought you should know .......

    [:o)][:o)]
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    quote:Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    quote:

    Gunslinger and the Old Prospector
    An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a
    western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for
    about six months without a drop of whiskey.

    He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied
    his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing
    some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
    Gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one
    hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
    saying,
    "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
    "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
    "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and
    started shooting at the old man' s feet. The old prospector
    was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

    When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
    gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
    pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
    The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
    The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around
    looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

    The old man asked,
    "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the *?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
    "No. But I've always wanted to."


    The lessons from this story are:

    1. Don't waste ammunition.

    2. Don't mess with old guys.
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    This has probably been around before but it's good enough to bring back!!
    Subject: THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
    >
    > Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
    > and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
    > and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love
    > this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
    > portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
    > broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor
    > a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
    >
    > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
    > teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're
    > going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
    >
    > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
    >
    > GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
    > rifle range.
    >
    > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don' t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
    > activity to be teaching children?
    >
    > GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
    > discipline before they even touch a firearm.
    >
    > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
    >
    > GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
    > you're not one, are you?
    >
    > The radio went silent and the interview ended. You got to love the Marines!
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
    cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
    asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in
    the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table
    and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
    another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
    he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
    boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
    ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the
    girl replied, "That's me before the operation." [^]


    fc6cb6ef.gif
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
    Subject: Mitt Witt Heckler

    During a recent Romney campaign stop, a heckler from the audience
    hollered, "Hey Mitt Witt, where are you hiding your tax returns?
    Governor Romney politely responded, "I've found a very secure place
    that I'm certain they won't be found."





    The insistent heckler, then shouted, "And just where is that, dummy"?
    Governor Romney smiled and said, "They are underneath Obama's Birth
    Certificate, college records, his immigration status as a student, and
    his funding sources to pay for college.





    What's your next question?"[:D][:p][^]
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    moonshinemoonshine Member Posts: 8,471
    edited November -1
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    Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    old people rule. but they cant drive[:D][:D][:D]
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    dan kellydan kelly Member Posts: 9,799
    edited November -1
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    bull300wsmbull300wsm Member Posts: 3,289
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Dakota308
    old people rule. but they cant drive[:D][:D][:D]


    Hey I resemble that[;)]
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    pickenuppickenup Member Posts: 22,844 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Good lessons.....and true.
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    savage170savage170 Member Posts: 37,477 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
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    jwb267jwb267 Member Posts: 19,664 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    i liked that[;)]
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    Blade SlingerBlade Slinger Member Posts: 5,891
    edited November -1
    Bull crap[:)]

    quote:Originally posted by Dakota308
    old people rule. but they cant drive[:D][:D][:D]
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    Horse Plains DrifterHorse Plains Drifter Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 39,607 ***** Forums Admin
    edited November -1
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    11BravoCrunchie11BravoCrunchie Member Posts: 33,423 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Back in the days when you could get away with it....
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