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HAHA
Cubslover
Member Posts: 18,601 ✭✭
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the *.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the feces out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the *.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the feces out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Half of the lives they tell about me aren't true.
Comments
I feel special
>
> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
> Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
>
> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
> correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
> pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
> that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
> complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
> recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
>
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed .
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
Reply to: sale
craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-08, 9:20PM CDT
Folks cant we all just get along..?Hhmm thats sounds like ive heard that before.
Im just looking to acquire older .22 rifles not a weapon of mass destruction-Bush found all those in Iraq..oh no damn thats right there weren't any there either.Oh well just a few more months and he can finish his hooked on phonics course.God bless him.LMFAO...
Thanks all hoped you enjoyed the show
Bob
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:
http://www.gunbroker.com/Auction/ViewItem.aspx?Item=160214615