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Pope Jokes
buschmaster
Member Posts: 14,229 ✭✭✭
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
**************
The Pope comes to America. He is driven all around in a limo and gets to see a lot of stuff and there are crowds of people to see him wherever he goes.
One day, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.
Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it because he's never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.
The police man gets out of his cruiser, goes to the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, the cop looks in and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over a very important person for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.
Gov: Who do your have there? The mayor? I'll call up city hall and straighten this out.
Trooper: No, it's not the mayor. It's the most important person in the world!
Gov: Well, who do you have? The president? I'll call up the White House.
Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.
Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?
Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
***************
The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"
Pope: "What's the good news?
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "and the Bad News?"
Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
***************
This priest and a nun were travelling in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden the camel died. The nun and the priest looked around and decided that was it. They prayed and thoughted about it a bit more----then they decided to do something that they never did before. They decided to have sex.
So, the nun took her clothes off. She is so beautiful and curvacious. The priest took his clothes off. The nun took one look at the groin area and asked: "what is that?'. The priest took the thing with his hands and said: "This is what gives life!" The nun said:" Wow! That being the case, why don't you stick it in the dead camel so we can get out of here!"
*************
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 24 year old women. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
****************
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
********************
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an old priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
****************
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
**************
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
****************
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "Oh! You're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "Aaahh... I think I'll wait for the police."
**********
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.
As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Hillary.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"Oh Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
***************
Why did the Pope cross the road?
Because the Vatican was on the other side.
****************
Why are there more dead baby jokes than Pope jokes?
Because you can't fit the Pope in a microwave!
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
**************
The Pope comes to America. He is driven all around in a limo and gets to see a lot of stuff and there are crowds of people to see him wherever he goes.
One day, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.
Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it because he's never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.
The police man gets out of his cruiser, goes to the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, the cop looks in and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over a very important person for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.
Gov: Who do your have there? The mayor? I'll call up city hall and straighten this out.
Trooper: No, it's not the mayor. It's the most important person in the world!
Gov: Well, who do you have? The president? I'll call up the White House.
Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.
Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?
Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
***************
The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"
Pope: "What's the good news?
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "and the Bad News?"
Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
***************
This priest and a nun were travelling in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden the camel died. The nun and the priest looked around and decided that was it. They prayed and thoughted about it a bit more----then they decided to do something that they never did before. They decided to have sex.
So, the nun took her clothes off. She is so beautiful and curvacious. The priest took his clothes off. The nun took one look at the groin area and asked: "what is that?'. The priest took the thing with his hands and said: "This is what gives life!" The nun said:" Wow! That being the case, why don't you stick it in the dead camel so we can get out of here!"
*************
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 24 year old women. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
****************
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
********************
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an old priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
****************
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
**************
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
****************
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "Oh! You're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "Aaahh... I think I'll wait for the police."
**********
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.
As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Hillary.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"Oh Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
***************
Why did the Pope cross the road?
Because the Vatican was on the other side.
****************
Why are there more dead baby jokes than Pope jokes?
Because you can't fit the Pope in a microwave!
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