In order to participate in the GunBroker Member forums, you must be logged in with your GunBroker.com account. Click the sign-in button at the top right of the forums page to get connected.

Too funny

SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
edited February 2013 in General Discussion
An Atheist was walking through the woods in Yellowstone.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.

He turned to look and he saw a 7 foot Grizzly charge toward him.

He looked again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell to
the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.

At that moment the Atheist cried out, "Oh help me God!........."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit the creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count on you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you
perhaps make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well", said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
and spoke.

"Lord bless this food, which we are about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen..."

[:D][:D][:D]
Ben

Comments

  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
    mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he
    observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
    You've even named your daughter Candy.'

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
    it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

    He turned to the third Mom, Joyce
    : 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
    shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
    boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your
    brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
    on my local news this AM

    http://hookersforjesus.net/

    Maybe ECC will log on [:D]
  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
    this may have been posted before but it was to funny not to post it again [:D]
    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . *. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So, Ernie's just . . . just . . excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did to help him, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.
    One cage: $50.
    Trip to the vet: $30.
    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
    Subject: HOW TO SPIN AN ADVERSE STORY


    Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:



    "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped
    1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Was caught by Pinkerton detectives,
    convicted and hanged in 1889."

    Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

    "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

    And THAT is how it's done folks!

    GET READY!
  • SGSG Member Posts: 7,548
    edited November -1
    Go here:

    http://www.jibjab.com/

    and click on GOOD TO BE IN D.C.

    absolutely hysterical no matter which party you support.

    If you liked "This Land" your gonna love this one.

    JuJu(laughing so hard he has cramps in his sides[:D][:D][:D])
  • FrancFFrancF Member Posts: 35,278 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I love it!!!!!!
  • 11BravoCrunchie11BravoCrunchie Member Posts: 33,423 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Muahahahahaha!!!!!
  • hdcolt51hdcolt51 Member Posts: 4,584 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • JnRockwallJnRockwall Member Posts: 16,350 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I bet BO cant sleep a wink knowing he got torpedoed!
  • rscoleman88rscoleman88 Member Posts: 4,250
    edited November -1
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Absolutely... DAMN BRILLIANT!!!! [:D]

    What a mark... Fabulous!

    I know that just pisses Oblammer off....
    Heheheheheheheheehehehehehe
    Bwaaaahahahahahahahaaha LOL!!!!

    34oww7l.jpg
Sign In or Register to comment.