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NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059

bullshotbullshot Member Posts: 12,186 ✭✭✭
edited May 2019 in General Discussion
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony . They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you"

Comments

  • hillbillehillbille Member Posts: 11,386 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    forgot one.......


    Hillary coming out of retirement and challanging her daughter for the 2060 election
  • spasmcreekspasmcreek Member Posts: 38,925
    edited November -1
    tiny white middle class taxpayer declared an endangerd species
  • Spider7115Spider7115 Member, Moderator Posts: 29,604 ******
    edited November -1
    I believe all of them but this one: :lol:

    "Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut."
  • droptopdroptop Member Posts: 8,925
    edited November -1
    News from the year 2059

    The Gates Foundations set up a memorial to be paid in perpetuity honoring the foundations founder Bill Gates and his Wife Melinda. Part of this memorial consisted of a house where Bill and Melinda are reconstructed as life like robots having Artificial Intelligence 10,000 time smarter than the Alexas of 2020.

    The memorial was opened in 2059 and reporters were invited to attend and ask Bill and Melinda any questions they desired.

    A reporter asked Melinda Gates what was the best part of being a robotic AI and after thinking a few moments she said she was no longer awakened by Bill needing to go to the bathroom 3 or 4 times a night. Melinda proceeded to tell stories about how Bill had tripped over their dog OREO in the middle of the night, fell and hit his head resulting in failure of his auto gyro and Bill spent the rest of the night staggering around like a drunk mumbling that %[email protected]! Oreo. He only quit when the couple's caretakers came with new parts and did a fresh boot.

    Melina commented Bill looked so cute wobbling around w/o a stitch of clothing and proceeded to describe the robots part(s) that were life like.

    When Bill was ask the same question he commented: Lack of a remote control "off switch".
  • fugawefugawe Member Posts: 1,530 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Democrat president Shiniqua Waters(daughter of former president Maxine Waters) declares America bankrupt and blames conservatives, claiming that socialism is still the answer. In the same press conference she announces executive order giving full welfare benefits to all residents of Canada, Mexico and Russia. The remaining 120 workers in America protest, claiming that the 10% tax hike(up from 110%) is unfair. China announces plan to foreclose on 48 states, leaving Mexifornia and Floriba.
    In a split decision from the Supreme Court(112-13), late term abortion, up until 17 years after birth, is upheld.
    In a related story, Waters announces plan to run for 6th term.
  • hillbillehillbille Member Posts: 11,386 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    man sentenced to 1221 years for posession of weapons of mass deflection.

    a Texas mans home was stormed early tuesday morning by the international swat team sent by the local states United Nations office. officers searching his office found a bag containing 1500 rubber bands along with an antique pistol from the mid twentieth century that fired these dangerouse weapons, also found was a box containing almost 100 paper clips. Local ATF officials report that the rubber bands could be redesigned to fire these paperclips and the proper paperwork was never filed in the local ATF office, local sherriffs office, local UN office, local state police office, and most importantly the local office of public safety.

    all of the mans worldly posessions have been confiscated and monies derived from sale of such will be divided between all agencies involved after the standard 92% govt tax is deducted. He started his prison time imediatly upon the findings of the swat teams search, and is currently serving his time doing various manual labor duties at any of the nearly 100,000 local city democratic leaders personal residences.
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