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Funnies

nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
edited January 2002 in General Discussion
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support

group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy



4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

6) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duhhh."

--Conan O'Brien

7) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

--Richard Jeni

8) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

9) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

10) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress .... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

11) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Author Unknown, presumed deceased (and not peacefully in his sleep!)



12) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

And lastly:

Why the Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?!?!?!?!?!?

Comments

  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL


    The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

    The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."





    PALM SUNDAY

    It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

    "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

    "Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"





    CHILDREN'S SERMON


    One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.

    He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

    "I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"





    JUST CURIOUS


    Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

    Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"





    THE TITHING


    A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."





    THE BLESSING


    The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

    "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"





    WELCOME TO OUR HOME


    "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his
    grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

    The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

    "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again," the little boy answered.





    THE WATER PISTOL


    When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

    Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."






    LIFE AFTER DEATH


    "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

    "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

    "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."





    SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com the best gun auction site on the Net! Email [email protected]
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    These were sent by a friend of mine. thought I would pass them on

    ONE
    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
    order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
    "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
    "You don't?" I replied.
    "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
    "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
    "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    TWO
    The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of
    months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
    and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
    up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
    between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
    all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar
    code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you
    know how much this is?"

    I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
    She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
    what had just happened.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    THREE
    MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
    A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
    pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she
    said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
    number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    FOUR
    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
    some help?" I asked.
    She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
    unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
    distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

    "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
    me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
    you drive
    over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    FIVE
    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
    typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
    What do I do?"

    "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the
    intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
    photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    SIX
    I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
    into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
    the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the
    manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
    control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    SEVEN
    IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
    My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
    large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
    their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
    banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
    terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    EIGHT
    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
    colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
    The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
    copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
    Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.




    Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: And he that hath no sword,let him sell his garment, and buy one
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    Driving to work this morning I looked over to my left and noticed a woman in a brand new Mustang. She was doing about 70 miles per hour, and she had her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all theconfusion of trying to control the car by using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone slipped from between my shoulder and ear, fell into the coffee cup between my legs, and disconnected an important phone call! Damn women drivers!!!
    THE IRISH SINNER"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman." The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who might be the woman you were with?" "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Bridget O'Shanter?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy O'Dell?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" "Five more good leads."
    WHY ARE SOME HAIRS WHITE? One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really pissed off Grandma."
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    10 reason a handgun is better than a woman!
    #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s
    #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
    #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
    #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
    #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
    #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
    #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
    #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat ?"
    #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
    AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
    #1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.




    Who Killed The Bear...

    An 85-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
    The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
    Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
    The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"
    "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."


    Guard Dogs
    A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
    After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
    "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
    "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
    They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
    "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
    "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
    The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
    "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
    The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
    "I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."




    One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
    I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
    Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
    The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."


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  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    While the husband was sitting next to his wife she removed his glasses. "You know, Honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married.""Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"=======When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth."No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back."She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?""Yes," said the doctor, "but never with a carnation."=========
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email [email protected] Jesus is Lord!
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    Alas, where has all our innocence gone?


    While I sat in the reception area
    of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
    in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
    to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
    and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
    small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
    his mother's lap and walked over to
    the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
    man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
    mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

    *****

    As I was nursing
    my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
    daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
    Never having seen anyone breast feed
    before, she was intrigued and full of all
    kinds of questions about what I was doing.
    After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
    has some of those, but I don't think she knows
    how to use them.'

    *****

    Out bicycling
    one day with my eight-year-old
    granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
    wistful.
    'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
    to be with your friends and you won't go
    walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
    now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
    too old to do all those things anyway.'

    ******

    Working as a pediatric
    nurse, I had the difficult assignment
    of giving immunization shots to children.
    One day, I entered the examining room to give
    four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
    screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
    not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
    yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
    you!

    ******

    On the way back from a Cub
    Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
    'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
    how do they get there in the first place?' After my
    son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
    spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
    up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
    know the answer.'

    *****
    Just before I
    was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
    son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
    going to be away for a long time,' I told
    him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
    asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
    on over there?'

    *****


    Paul Newman
    founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
    children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
    diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
    Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
    the kids. A counselor at a nearby
    table, suspecting the young patients
    wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
    explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
    possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
    his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
    stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
    his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
    perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

    *****



    God's Problem Now.

    His wife's graveside
    service was just barely finished, when there was
    a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
    bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
    rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
    looked at the pastor and calmly said,
    'Well, she's there.
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    The Outhouse

    Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she
    hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
    Maw says, "Yes there is. Put your head down in the hole."
    Paw puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw,
    there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
    Maw says, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes
    to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
    beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
    Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
    HIS/HER DIRECTIONS

    HER DIRECTIONS:
    80....(SF)....just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think)will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way through.....till you end up in Fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint I think it is....I don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go through the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to Death Valley.... you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal
    thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the
    end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old Bluewood Hwy....turn right on old Bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in Cotati....stay on this road and just get on the freeway....you will pass an exit....then just get off at Wilfred
    Ave....just off the offramp there is a signal....turnl eft...then go straight through the next one and under the overpass....go straight.....you will see Pep Boys straight in front of you. You can chill there if you want or go to WalMart which you can't miss....it's in the same parking lot with Home Depot and Arby's.


    HIS DIRECTIONS:

    80 West
    Exit 14
    Exit 121 (Left at Light)
    Exit 116 (Veer right)
    RT Lincoln Road
    RT Old Bluewood
    RT Myrtle
    RT Lancster
    RT Lassen St
    WHO SAID THAT?
    The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly
    can leave early today. "

    Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever,
    that answer's mine!"

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?

    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!"

    The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was mad.
    Susie had answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could open his
    mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

    The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder
    than before. Mary had answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?"

    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

    The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming.
    Nancy had answered first.

    As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had kept
    their mouths shut!"

    The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!!!?"

    Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!"
    LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
    ____________________________________________
    At age 4, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12, success is ... having friends.
    At age 16, success is ... having a driver's license.
    At age 20, success is ... having sex.
    At age 35, success is ... having money.
    At age 50, success is ... having money.
    At age 60, success is ... having sex.
    At age 70, success is ... having a driver's license.
    At age 75, success is ... having friends.
    At age 80, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
    Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential Election that Neither the Republican presidential candidate, nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election and it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the fairest way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present since both men were to be sent out on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, George W. Bush returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes Al is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd date George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al Gore and says; "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I'm a gonna dress this good ole' Southern Boy, James Carville, as a * (wouldn't be too hard to do) and send him out on the lake to act as a spy". The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish and Al Gore with none), Bill gets Carville and Al Gore together and says to Carville: "Well, what about it boy, is George W. cheatin'?"
    "He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
    -
    This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
    When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
    As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
    "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
    Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.
    The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
    Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."
    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
    "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
    "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
    "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
    Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can
    eat as much as you like of whatever you like and
    you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
    With that the old man went into a fit of anger,
    throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and
    shrieking wildly.
    Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
    fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

    A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one

    day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high

    volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right

    out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of

    tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to

    run the pair down.

    The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on

    the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of

    his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having

    observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and

    says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with

    a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

    The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find

    out where his head is, so I can kick his *."
    ok I'll stop!
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
    They Take The Psycho Path.

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroids

    7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick.

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quatro Sinko.

    11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
    Frostbite.

    13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

    14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef!

    15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

    16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers.

    17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.

    18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

    19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

    20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

    21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

    22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....



    ***There's a difference between living and living well!***
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,764 ******
    edited November -1
    I'm in shape. Round is a shape.======================A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."==============================Subject: WalmartA woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associatestanding there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the soundthat it makes."She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's$20."She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm lookingfor, so I'll take it."As he walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!====================================Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. (green leafy vegetable) And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life... ================================A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."============================
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email [email protected] Jesus is Lord!
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