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Funnies
nunn
Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
6) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duhhh."
--Conan O'Brien
7) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni
8) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
9) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
10) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress .... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
11) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Author Unknown, presumed deceased (and not peacefully in his sleep!)
12) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly:
Why the Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?!?!?!?!?!?
--Author Unknown
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
6) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duhhh."
--Conan O'Brien
7) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni
8) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
9) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
10) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress .... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
11) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Author Unknown, presumed deceased (and not peacefully in his sleep!)
12) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly:
Why the Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?!?!?!?!?!?
Comments
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
PALM SUNDAY
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"
JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
WELCOME TO OUR HOME
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his
grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again," the little boy answered.
THE WATER PISTOL
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com the best gun auction site on the Net! Email gpd035@sbcglobal.net
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TWO
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of
months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar
code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you
know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE
MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive
over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the
intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEVEN
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: And he that hath no sword,let him sell his garment, and buy one
THE IRISH SINNER"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman." The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who might be the woman you were with?" "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Bridget O'Shanter?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy O'Dell?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" "Five more good leads."
WHY ARE SOME HAIRS WHITE? One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really pissed off Grandma."
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat ?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
Who Killed The Bear...
An 85-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."
Guard Dogs
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
*****
As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them.'
*****
Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful.
'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!
******
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'
*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
God's Problem Now.
His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she
hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw,
there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes
to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
HIS/HER DIRECTIONS
HER DIRECTIONS:
80....(SF)....just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think)will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way through.....till you end up in Fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint I think it is....I don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go through the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to Death Valley.... you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal
thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the
end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old Bluewood Hwy....turn right on old Bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in Cotati....stay on this road and just get on the freeway....you will pass an exit....then just get off at Wilfred
Ave....just off the offramp there is a signal....turnl eft...then go straight through the next one and under the overpass....go straight.....you will see Pep Boys straight in front of you. You can chill there if you want or go to WalMart which you can't miss....it's in the same parking lot with Home Depot and Arby's.
HIS DIRECTIONS:
80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old Bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St
WHO SAID THAT?
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly
can leave early today. "
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever,
that answer's mine!"
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was mad.
Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could open his
mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder
than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming.
Nancy had answered first.
As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had kept
their mouths shut!"
The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!!!?"
Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!"
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
____________________________________________
At age 4, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is ... having friends.
At age 16, success is ... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 35, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 60, success is ... having sex.
At age 70, success is ... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is ... having friends.
At age 80, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential Election that Neither the Republican presidential candidate, nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election and it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the fairest way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present since both men were to be sent out on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, George W. Bush returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes Al is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd date George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al Gore and says; "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I'm a gonna dress this good ole' Southern Boy, James Carville, as a * (wouldn't be too hard to do) and send him out on the lake to act as a spy". The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish and Al Gore with none), Bill gets Carville and Al Gore together and says to Carville: "Well, what about it boy, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
-
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and
you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger,
throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high
volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right
out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of
tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having
observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and
says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with
a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his *."
ok I'll stop!
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
***There's a difference between living and living well!***
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!