Alcoholic in the family?

earthmvr · February 2004

How many here have had their lives affected in some way by an alcoholic. The reason I ask is because my brother-in-law is an alcoholic and it has ruined his life. It will eventually kill him(I'm surprised it hasn't already). He has lost every good job he has ever had because of it. And he has had some really good jobs. He's had 6 D.U.I.'s and been in jail several times. He just got out of re-hab for the third time. And my stupid sister keeps taking him back. He has cheated on her so many times I can't even count. It doesn't matter what he does she still thinks he will change. My family and I have given him so many chances to staighten out that nobody is willing to give him another one. So he has alienated himself and my sister from our family.

Does anyone else have an alcoholic in the family and if so how do you deal with it? I don't think there is any hope for my B-I-L but we'll see.

Proud member of the NRA and Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation

I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was

gun_runner · February 2004

My dads an alcoholic. I havent seen him since I was 5. He just recently contacted me 20 somthing years later to tell me he's ready to establish a relationship. alcoholism is not a good thing, I can tell you that much.

Larry

woodshermit · February 2004

I'm sure you have heard the term "co-dependent" before, right? If you (the family) have basically given up on the BIL, then it is probably time to change the focus from him to you. It could be that the entire family, or, at least, you and your sister need to get into AA or some similar program. No matter what we may think about such programs and organizations, they can work. At this point, it should be more about your sister "changing" than anything else. If you haven't talked about the situation in these terms, then look for a professional who can give you some guidance. Co-dependence can be a subtle and difficult concept to grasp. Good luck and best wishes.

HAIRY · February 2004

My father was an "episodic" alcoholic. He'd stay sober for about 3-4 months and then go off for 3-4 months. When I was a kid, I hated to see any holiday coming around because he would use the occasion to find a reason to have an argument and then leave.

Unfortunately, I blamed my mother for his behavior--"Mom, if you didn't argue with Dad, he wouldn't leave." Took me years to learn he was the only one responsible for his own actions. He's dead now (aged 92 when he died). Can't say I'm sorry--just seems like he is on another bender.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

bigdaddyjunior · February 2004

My second oldest brother was a hard core alcoholic since his late teens. He finally sobered up at around twenty five and got a good job, a wife, a baby, a house etc.. He went to a new years party at his wife's request and when he asked for a coke the bartender assumed he said whiskey and coke. That one sip led to a whole drink which led to the end of over five years of sobriety. He went down fast loosing the job,wife, kid and house. He couldn't go through the quitting process again and felt like he had failed big time. Ended up standing on the tracks until a train came along and put him out of his misery. Had to be determined to watch that train coming without flinching.
As an aside, an alcoholic will never quit until they realize they have an uncontrollable problem. As long as family and friends help them, they will continue to drink. It is only when everyone cuts them off completely that they will hit rock bottom and have nothing to blame it on ,but themselves. Then they will either quit drinking or quit breathing.

Big Daddy my heros have always been cowboys,they still are it seems

rcrxmike_2 · February 2004

My biological father was an alcoholic....a 'mean drunk', by all standards. Remember the kid who got 'caned' in singapore years ago? Didn't have chit on that old boy, as there were times my t-shirt would have to removed by pouring water on me to get it loose from me. From about age 5 on. Nah...a few beers are ok, but Alcoholism is a bad gig for all who deal with it. If you don't think you gat a problem, think about 'denial'

JOIN PETA! (PEOPLE EATING TASTY ANIMALS) I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to have a salad and spring water!

Henry0Reilly · February 2004

His Rehab program should be providing information and support to the family as well. If not, or in conjunction with that, please seek out an Al-Anon meeting, support for family of alcoholics. Unfortunately the current thinking in addictions is that relapse after recovery is "normal" and to be expected. (I think it's just another instance of liberal lower-the-bar thinking as it relates to the efficacy of the rehab program.)

Semper Fi

Remember Ruby Ridge.

Experience is the best teacher and usually charges accordingly.

jptatum · February 2004

My daddy was an alcoholic. As I see it, there really isn't much you or anybody else can do for him. Until he looks in the mirror and says I'm an alcoholic, he really can't help himself. I have always found it interesting that if you talk with somebody about alcoholism, they either know exactly what you are talking about or there is no way you can explain it to them; it doesn't make any difference if you use 50 words or 5000.

J. Patrick Tatum

idsman75 · February 2004

I had a squad leader once who was an alcoholic. He was a great squad leader as long as he got to cut loose when he was off. He came back from a good "bender" the night before we were supposed to head out to the field for a week. He actually barricaded himself in his barracks room and didn't show up for formation. He's a civilian making good money now. Last time I heard, another soldier's wife divorced so that she could marry the alcholic. The two of them were having an affair while the husband was in Korea. Good riddance.

Queen of Swords · February 2004

I come from a family of what might be called "functional alcoholics", meaning we can get up, go to work, get the stuff that needs to be done taken care of, but just can't say "Enough". Dad brought home a paycheck, never missed a track meet, or band concert, but most nights, was just blotto on the living room floor, or surly and argumentative. My brother, sister, and I all struggle with it. Dad finally quit in 1990 when a doctor essentially told him "Either quit or die." Dad was sober for 9 years, convinced himself that he could have a drink occasionally, then occasionally became once a week, then once a week became once a day. Now he's 70 years old, and 2 years ago, his wife of 47 years, my mom, died. So he sits alone in the home they shared for 37 years, raised their family in, with nothing but memories, and his beer and boilermakers. It's hard to sit and watch him drink himself to death, because the eventuality is that is what will kill him. I try to let him know everyday in some way that I love him and I still need him, and his grandkids need him. THe reality is that he is a 70 year old man, he's not a child, and if this is the path that he is chosen, nobody has any right to try to disuade him from it. He still deserves simple dignity, like any man. He did his job to the best of his ability, he sent 3 kids to college, one to the army, survived the death of my little brother, and numerous other triumps and sorrows. He's still my hero, more so now than ever, becuse after years of sobriety, I finally know him. I know where I get my sarcastic sense of humor, I hear romantic stories about when he and my mom were courting when he was in the Navy, and how his mother didn't like my mom, and I know where I get my sentimental side. I feel so blessed to have that gift of a relationship with him. On another post someone posed the question,"Are you turning into your dad?". I guess,in all ways, I always was....and it scares the heck out of me.

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it that the former does not submit to hereditary predjudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." - Albert E.

On my tombstone:"Keep you eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel..."the Lizard King

aglore · February 2004

My older brother is an alcoholic. He has not been allowed to call my home since 1987. He could die tomorrow and I could care less.

AlleninAlaska
Delta Firearms & Supplies
http://canadianfirearmsexchange.com

aglore@gci.net

dcon12 · February 2004

My brother died 5 years ago. 41 years old. Drank a gallon of vodka a day. I did not even know. When we got together, we would drink beer and party but he would sneek off and drink his vodka. When he finnaly went to the hospital with a "cold", he had a collasped lung, ruptured esouphagus, and had some mini heart attacks. My little brother, who took him to the hospital, told me that when they said he would have to stay at the hospital, told him to sneak him up a bottle the next morning. The next morning never came for him.

"Right is Right, even is everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it"

offeror · February 2004

The funny thing about alcoholics is that their own family and friends are the least qualified and able to be of help, because the alcoholic will always rationalize a selfish motive behind their effort. AA works best, for people who are willing to go, because perfect strangers are accepted by the alcoholic, after some initial suspicion, as having no selfish motive -- other than to show up themselves, stay sober themselves, and welcome others to join the group. It's not group therapy, not a lecture, and it's not a "class." It's a meeting of alcoholics just staying sober, or trying to get there, with no pressure. There are no requirements; you don't even have to say anything in a meeting. You can just sit, and maybe listen. There are "open meetings" where family can visit AA, and "closed" meetings for AA members only.

Family members are almost always viewed by the alcoholic as sources of guilt, nagging and meddling only. It's a good excuse to dismiss their opinions and keep on drinking. The best the family can do is take care of themselves and learn how to think about the alcoholic in healthier ways, and with some peace for a change.

This guy may NEVER quit drinking. The wife should fully understand that fact, and it may take Al-Anon to get through to her. There can be no social drinking for a real alcoholic; it's abstinence or drunkenness and disaster -- despite the alcoholic's best intentions, there is no middle ground. "Problem drinkers" who have not yet become true alcoholics can sometimes stop or moderate with difficulty if the doctor tells them they'll die if they don't, but the true alcoholic is past all that. He is a lost cause -- until he gives up on his own and asks for help.

That's the one thing you can count on; it's up to HIM to hit a really hard bottom, surrender and get help. Don't let anyone stand in the way of him hitting the bottom good and hard; there's no substitute, usually. It may hurt, it could even be fatal, but there are no short cuts. 80-90% of chronic alcoholics never sober up, and die too young. The ones that do sober up almost always attend AA -- even if they started out in a rehab program. The alcoholic needs to be reminded he can't drink, and rehabs and half-way houses send people out into the world, sooner or later. Every good rehab recommends AA for continued sobriety, because they've seen too many alkies in the revolving door. Rehab staff are often frustrated by the high recidivism rate; sometimes alcoholics get drunk on the way home from rehab. Their staff, even the doctors, feel helpless after a while -- they want to help but find they can't nearly as often as AA does. "Alcoholics Anonymous" is alcoholics helping other alcoholics, for free. Even a profit motive can ruin someone's chances. AA has nothing but an optional collection plate.

The more that well-meaning, desperate friends and family push the alcoholic toward "the obvious need for" a recovery program, the longer it may take him to get there. Alcoholics are stubborn beyond all reason, and until they are good and ready (long after the family expects they SHOULD be), pretty much any overture at all by the family or friends will be viewed as nothing but meddling. Sometimes, firing an alcoholic, or throwing him out, can be just what he needs. An alcoholic is never helped by being spared the consequences, it seems.

Al-Anon is a good program for co-alcoholic spouses and all other concerned family and friends, because it teaches them, not how to fix the alkie, but how to save themselves and their sanity. She should most certainly go. The alkie with family in Al-Anon doubles his chances of sobering up in the long run. People who don't get this kind of help are doomed to repeat their days, like copies out of a xerox machine, maybe forever. It pays bigtime to get off the merry-go-round. Sorry for the long post. But it's been 22 years this month since I needed to get drunk to get through the day, and I've been active with others throughout. There's practically nothing I haven't seen countless times. Alcoholics feel unique and special (or specially victimized), of course, but their behavior is absolutely generic to the condition. They are some of the most predictable people on the planet -- not in the superficial details, but where it counts.

T. Jefferson: "[When doing Constitutional interpretation], let us [go] back to the time when [it] was adopted. [Rather than] invent a meaning [let us] conform to the probable one in which it was passed."

NRA Life Member

1022man · February 2004

Mom's side of the family. Grandfather died after having both legs cut off from diabetes, from drinking. I was raised by my father after age 8, so I wasn't around alot of it. But most of my uncles on that side of the family are. The way I think of it, if they're going to be drunks, they're going to be! No matter what you say, or do.

rmeyer · February 2004

My dad came back from Vietnam a heavy drinker. He still is to this day. He's very anti-social. I'm the only 1 of his 3 sons that still talks to him. Very sad and he just doesn't seem to care about anything.

daddo · February 2004

Life can be hell trying to live with an alcoholic, even more when it's your mom. The happy, loving, joking, careing person she was when I was young is now irraticly mean one day and very happy (drunk) the next. Hatefull words and acusations, the absence of mind and the absence of attendance to the grandkids 1st school band concert and the last. Planning her day by the appointment with the bottle instead of her family. Passing out and remembering nothing she had hurtfully done just hours ago. The pain she has caused the family cannot be repaired or forgotten, only forgiven as many times as sanity will allow.
There will be no treatment or aa, because there is no problem. There will be no talk of such things.
I, myself, have drank since I was 18. It began on weekends only. Then it was 2 or three a day and when beer began giving me a headache, I went with wisky on occassion, then every other day for years. I began seeing my mom in my mirror. It was then that I poured everything out and quit drinking for good. The only good that may come out of all of this is it will have kept me from making the same mistake.
Mom goes thru a case of vodka a week and weighs only 89lbs. I will love her till the day she is murdered by alcohol that pretends to be her best freind.[V]

skipjackone · February 2004

Alcoholism is consicered a disease because of the following:
It is progressive
It is degenerative
It is terminal
Forget everything else. It gets worse, diminishes ones ability to function and will end your life early. I have been dry for 39 days and pray every day to just make it through another day sober. I don't look back or forward. I just want to make it through today. I will never be able to socially drink, (no big loss I guess), and should never have a taste for old time sake. I have had no DUI's, never lost a job or marrage. I am tired buying the stuff and worrying about running out of it. I'm sick of headaches and hangovers. I feel better, but know I can never let my guard down.
I am blessed. Some never make it to recovery - and I hope that I never consider myself recovered. I don't attend AA, but am considering it. Say what you will. It works. [^]

quote:

string · February 2004

I have been sober for over 10 years. It is still one day at a time and yes I still need those "DAM" meetings. I would help them hit bottom as soon as possible!!! There are only 2 options-Death or health. Believe me the "drunk" really does want help.They just don't know how to ask for it.Try an intervention with someone who is qualified. All of my friends are sober and most of them work in the recovery field. Remind the drunk of what it is like to have everything they ever wanted and what it takes to get there.Remember,the man takes a drink and then the drink takes the man!This is truly a disease and there is a cure. "AA" Good luck and don't give up ever if you love them,cause help is what they really want! Thanks String

plains scout · February 2004

Alcoholism and insanity runs in my family. Fortunately it is concentrated in a few, and I am not one of them. I have thanked God many times for not having this trait.

I continually warn my children. No one wakes up one day and says "I think I will become an alcoholic." Some choices have to be made early in life (late teens in my book) and we all know how 99% of late teens make choices -- all emotions for the moment, no thought of the future.

I have watched friends, family and family of friends take a slow road to hell with this disease. I have as I am sure you all have seen it rip families apart and put scars on children for their lifetime -- even if it is not hard core alcoholism but even just period one day abuses.

Has it affected me? You bet. Everytime I take a drink I think about how this is going to effect me those around me and especially my family. I think seeing the swath of damage it can do to families and health makes me ever vigilant.

It is a horrible thing. Anyone that has this and can stay "dry" has my greatest respect.

verne787 · February 2004

"The explanation that alcoholism was a disease of a two fold nature, a allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind, cleared up a number of puzzling questions. ... the allergy we could do nothing about. Somehow our bodies had reached the point where we could no longer absorb alcohol in our systems......... The obsession of the mind was a little harder to understand and yet everyone has obsessions of various kinds. the alcoholic has them to an exaggerated degree. Over a period of time he has built up self pity, resentments toward anyone and or anything that interferes with his drinking. Dishonest thinking, prejudice, ego, antagonism toward anyone that who dares to cross him, vanity and a critical atbreastude are character defects that gradually creep in and become a part of his life. Living with fear and tension, which alcohol seems to temporarily ease. It took me some time to realize that the twelve steps were designed to help correct these defects of character and so help remove the obsession to drink."

From a personal account in the AA "Big Book"

You can't learn any younger!

Big Sky Redneck · February 2004

My hero, the man I looked up to as a child, the man who even though he is gone still to this day shapes the way I do things was an alcoholic. As a child I never saw what the rest of the family complained about, I didn't see anything wrong with him going to the basement for a glass of Vodka and water, i didn't see anything wrong with him heading to the Elks club for a drink or two, i never saw a thing wrong with him! He never got drunk, he was never mean, he would get mouthy sometimes toward Grandma but never nasty. All the time he was like that he always was there if I needed him, he would always talk with me no matter what he was doing, he would help me do things that my parents would never do. I remember the first time I shot a gun, it was with him using his .22, my mother threw such a fit. Part of my feelings about my Grandfather are selfish on my part and I will never forgive those who made him quit drinking. My family forced him into rehab, he had a stroke that partially paralyzed him, a couple years later he had another stroke and died. I was 14 when he died. I still miss him and I feel that if my parents woulda minded their own damned business he would still be here!!!!!! My parents and grandmother could not let things be, they was offended because he had a few drinks a day and forced him to quit for their own selfish reasons, now he is dead. I will never forgive them for killing Grandpa. If the man was allowed to have his couple drinks everyday he would still be here.

nunn · February 2004

I never knew what an alcoholic was as a child. No one in my family drank. The only contact I had with alcoholics was in arresting them.

Then I married one. Boy did I get an education. She is the mother of my children, and for that, I will always love her, but I could never live like that again.

SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net

Alcoholic in the family?

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