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A LITTLE HUMOR
n/a
Member Posts: 168,427 ✭
I've got a buddy in Iraq who's obviously pretty desperate for entertainment because he sent me an e-mail with the following. I take no responsibility for it.
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink instead.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit
the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, you'll forget about the tooth ache.
8. Sometimes we just need to remember what "The Rules of Life" really are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't,
use the duct tape.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I'm sorry, it's my fault."
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11.Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
12. Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
13. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
14. And Finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.
Mudge the slightly amused
I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink instead.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit
the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, you'll forget about the tooth ache.
8. Sometimes we just need to remember what "The Rules of Life" really are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't,
use the duct tape.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I'm sorry, it's my fault."
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11.Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
12. Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
13. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
14. And Finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.
Mudge the slightly amused
I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!
Comments
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was
overheard telling a friend,
"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from
dragging me everywhere
with them."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
No need to worry
My five-year-old son called his mother from his friend Steven's house
and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their
living room.
"But, Mom," he said, "you don't have to worry about buying another one.
Mrs. Smith says it was irreplaceable."
Crayons
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Little Johnny came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Johnson, I
ain't go no crayons."
"Little Johnny," Miss Johnson said, "you mean, `I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They
don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Little Johnny said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
Constant complaints
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac.
Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about nonexistent
illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep
her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his
usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith
died of a heart attack.
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs.
Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery.
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a
voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for
worms?"
Computer software
At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content
to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was
unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food
cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new
recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a
chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I
am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
GORILLA PLAN
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner . "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
SMART WIFE
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to
go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box".
POTATO GARDEN
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!
Love,
Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next day, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba
I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!<BR>
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..............
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep trouble."
Rugster
Toujours Pret
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
>>> chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me,can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault.'
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."
THE COAT HANGER
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,"Thank You So Much!
You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Girl's night out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you'".
Of course I can play the piano, as long as it has pedals!
But she broke it off.