Too nice for my own good

Iconoclast

Don't mind me . . . just venting. Wife has an acquaintance going through nasty divorce. She's been witching that she's getting the shaft from spouse, court and her lawyers so long that when she asked me to attend a meeting to help her with the lawyers, my "boss" insisted I go. Well, she does have lousy representation; no doubt about that . . . will help her file complaints with the bar association . . . double billing, incompetence. He!!, *I* had to point out four or five things they'd left out of the stipulation filing! And they're the ones being paid $200 an hour - maybe I should have gone into practice, after all. [:(!] And yes, her ex is a jerk, and yes, there is ample reason to complain about the court. But HEYSUS CRISTUS, a lot of the problems are her own fault and the woman just keeps calling and calling and calling and calling . . . the energizer bunny on steroids and always witching about some tiny details . . . usually the same ones I've explained to her five times before because apparently she hopes the answers will change. I'm locked into spending at least one afternoon walking her through her paperwork yet again and serving as an advisor at the final mediation. Jerk that he is, after spending maybe twenty hours in this woman's company over the past six months, I don't blame her husband for filing the divorce papers. What I don't understand is why they married in the first place. She's been this way since before they married and supposedly he was passing out physical abuse even before the marriage (I've seen no evidence of any of the things of which she accuses him in that respect, although he has been an absolute frenchman in other ways, such as taking their snow shovels so she couldn't get out of the house and then the cables for the computer when she was away from home). My ex took advantage of my kindness just as this "babe" is doing - I told my wife tonight I could close my eyes and go back twelve years in a flash just listening to her. A "friend" stuck me with a six figure debt just before declaring bankruptcy (long story). Etc. My instinctive inclination is to help people, to be nice to them (well, most people) and I keep getting kicked in the tail for doing it . . . and this female wears real thin, real fast, even when taken in very small doses.

Like I said, just need to vent a bit. Sorry.

"There is nothing lower than the human race - except the French." (Mark Twain)

daddo

And all things shall come to pass![8)]

p3skyking

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. Words to live by.

jjmitchell60

Teak, you are trying to help her out. I know enough of you by our e-mails and your generosity to know that you have done a lot in your life to help people. It is in your nature. Sure it can get frustrating but when it does, think back to those that you have helped out when they needed it. No good deed goes unrewarded. I have several kids on a 4-H shooting team that will vouch for your "good deeds"! I know everyone needs to vent at times and that is what we are here for. To listen and offer words of encourgment. You will do your best to help out and hopefully after all is done the woman will see that. Sometimes 2 people get married even though they should never be together. I know because my parents were like that. Makes me glad that my grandparents did most of my upbringing! Just my 2 cents worth.



"we are but men... no more, no less..."

dcon12

Some people make problems to have a reason to talk to other people. this sounds loke what she is doing. She is having a hard time and is using your shoulder. Sometimes you have to walk away.

"Right is Right, even is everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it"

jsergovic

I. Man ~ I'll stand by you and try to understand your venting.

Maybe a comment or exploration into the points of view might help,
but some paragraphs would make it easier to see the overall picture*

* = (sorry; I'm saying easier to read, but, hey, then it would not be true stream-of-conscienceless venting. Guess it does come out differently when you let it pour.)

I see the points; life's a onager, often when you are just trying to help.
I got to a point where, being such a "nice guy", I finally realized I was often being used to take other peoples' stress, to a point above what friendship might dictate. I even, for a time, just stopped "getting involved" with the deeper problems of others.

Sounds harsh, but it can be, as you see harsh on yourself.

Iconoclast

Well, I try to put my own needs first more since I had the exquisite pleasure of the divorce process . . . but having said that, when I see how this gal (admittedly something of a professional "victim" like my ex) is being forked over by so many different agents, it's awful hard for me to say no. Like I said, at the gut level, my instinctive reaction is to be kind and helpful even when it is not in my own best interests. What I need to do - or at least remind myself of - is that there are many in this world eager to exploit that trait.

I do think she needs someone with whom she can speak, but much of it is her own fault. 90% of her conversation is to witch about the ill turns which have been done her. Some of the beefs are legit, some not, all get old after innumerable repetitions. She is so busy complaining and casting herself as a victiim, she doesn't see (or care?) she is alienating all those around her. Like I said, I'm locked into two more long sessions. After that, hasta la vista; I have my own issues clamoring for attention.

"There is nothing lower than the human race - except the French." (Mark Twain)