wisdom for today

wipala

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken .


Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly .


Don't sweat the petty things .
Don't pet the sweaty things .


I want to die like my Grandfather.
Not like the other screaming people in the car ![:D]

wipala

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children"
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and,
that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry


Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: And he that hath no sword,let him sell his garment, and buy one

punchie

I love 17 and 19. So real gems in there. thanks

AN ARMED SOCIETY IS A POLITE SOCIETY

pickenup

#-4..[}:)]

No funny five this week...[:(]

The gene pool needs chlorine.

jjmitchell60

1,2,9,& 15 are the best but all are good![:D]

"we are but men... no more, no less..."

alledan

[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]