Just For A Laugh

Trader Dave

Just a few funny jokes I read today and decided to pass them along. ENJOY and hope no one gets offended.One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg. "In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son? "Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your nose!" "Amen," replied the congregation.TRIALThree men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your bum without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. "The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."IN A NAMEA psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."EXAMA teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart alec, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other handto write."OLDER GENERATIONWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister See if you can do this:Read each line aloud This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is moron cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. [This message has been edited by nunn (edited 10-03-2001).]

SP Tiger

Those are great! Can I get those forty seconds back?

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Better to have and not need, than need and not have.

shane

Hey man, you had me laughing till I got to the last line,The third time Just kiddin I only read it twice. Those were good!!!!!

Trader Dave

I had to add a few more funnies to add. Enjoy them.CUSSINGTwo little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say '*' and I'll say 'hell'."All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling outof the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?""I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your * it ain't gonna be Cheerios."BUS DRIVEROne day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If mydaddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver."BAR FLYA rough looking women in her fifties was sitting at a bar. She had incredibly hairy armpits so whenever she raised her arm to order a drink a massive hair was visible to all of her fellow drinkers. At closing time a drunk at the far end of the bar pointed to the women and said to the bartender Id like to buy the ballerina a drink.Shes not a ballerina said the bartender. What makes you think she is a ballerina?The drunk replied: Any girl that can lift her legs that high has to be a ballerina.DENTISTThe pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand.He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have a hold of my testicles!""Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"GOLD FISHOne day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "What are you doing?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your dang cat!"HOT * young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."JACK N JILLJack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked Jill if she wanna.Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and had a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.STUPID BUT CUTEAn elderly couple decides to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast, they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!