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A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
"HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
"NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
"YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
"NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
"YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
"NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
"YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
"OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."
THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.
"ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"
"PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
Apologies if it's already been posted.
-Plink
Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'
Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'
A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave-
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a
bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at
once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Priest was hanging a picture on the wall and hit his thumb with the hammer, "Damn it" he hollered, the Nun heard him and said Father, you know that if you talk like that God will strike you with lightning. The father swung the hammer again , again hitting his thumb, "Damn it" he hollered, all at once a bolt of lightning shot through the roof, and missing the Father, hit and destroyed the organ,, out of the sky came this voice "Damn it I missed again"
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan
*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
A couple was
invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."
A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.
Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "
The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.
His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!
You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"
It looks like John Boehner will be the new speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children who grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom. He worked his way through school and became the first person in his family to graduate from college. Then, sadly, he fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress.
A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.
Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."
The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
that's great....some a-s--le got my pen
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
quote:
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's *?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.
guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'
A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again"
A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
Comments
"HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
"NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
"YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
"NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
"YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
"NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
"YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
"OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."
THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.
"ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"
"PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
Apologies if it's already been posted.
-Plink
Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'
Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a
bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at
once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
said, "Superstitious, huh?"
[:D][:)][:p][8D][;)][:D]
ATF
The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Scroll down and do not hold your breath.
"If you build it they will come"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."
A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.
Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "
The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.
His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!
You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"
The gene pool needs chlorine.
One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.
The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."
You knew it would happen.
nunn
Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
that's great....some a-s--le got my pen
"Is that your husband?"
"No" she answers "I'm not married"
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"
"Is that your brother?"
"No, I'm an only child"
Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"
She answers.....
Wait for it.......
"That's me before the surgery"
crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Playboy and national geographic.[:0]
turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid Catholic b---h."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's *?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
work....You have three wishes.
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
f delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going
to be a string attached.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
[:)][:)]
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
NRA MEMBER