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Sum Redneck Hoomer fur Yawl
Tazmutt
Member Posts: 862 ✭✭✭✭
REDNECK HUMOR
======================================================================
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A good ol' boy raises livestock, a redneck gets emotionally involved.
======================================================================
Emily Sue passed away and LeRoy called 911. The 911 operator told
LeRoy that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator. LeRoy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus
Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally LeRoy said, "How 'bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
======================================================================
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you
call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
======================================================================
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
======================================================================
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
======================================================================
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
======================================================================
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
======================================================================
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell'.
======================================================================
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a "teethbrush".
======================================================================
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I=40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
======================================================================
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
======================================================================
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock
Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
======================================================================
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
======================================================================
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I=40.
======================================================================
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet
one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guessesm right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . ............ five?"
======================================================================
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a perfeckly good trailer.
======================================================================
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over
here, My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't y'all still have those big red trucks?"
======================================================================
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups
of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
======================================================================
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
======================================================================
Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date for
tonight, an' I needs me some pertection.
How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"
To which the pharmacist responds: "A three=pack of condoms is
$4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they
stay on by themselves?!"
======================================================================
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to
lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a
painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight
was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude
by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to
unveil her latest work of art == the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the
wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon
seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on
the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a
gynecologist.'
=====================================================================
======================================================================
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A good ol' boy raises livestock, a redneck gets emotionally involved.
======================================================================
Emily Sue passed away and LeRoy called 911. The 911 operator told
LeRoy that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator. LeRoy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus
Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally LeRoy said, "How 'bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
======================================================================
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you
call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
======================================================================
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
======================================================================
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
======================================================================
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
======================================================================
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
======================================================================
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell'.
======================================================================
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a "teethbrush".
======================================================================
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I=40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
======================================================================
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
======================================================================
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock
Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
======================================================================
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
======================================================================
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I=40.
======================================================================
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet
one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guessesm right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . ............ five?"
======================================================================
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a perfeckly good trailer.
======================================================================
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over
here, My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't y'all still have those big red trucks?"
======================================================================
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups
of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
======================================================================
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
======================================================================
Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date for
tonight, an' I needs me some pertection.
How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"
To which the pharmacist responds: "A three=pack of condoms is
$4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they
stay on by themselves?!"
======================================================================
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to
lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a
painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight
was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude
by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to
unveil her latest work of art == the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the
wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon
seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on
the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a
gynecologist.'
=====================================================================