In order to participate in the GunBroker Member forums, you must be logged in with your GunBroker.com account. Click the sign-in button at the top right of the forums page to get connected.

Wild Wild West!!!

The MoleThe Mole Member Posts: 3 ✭✭
edited September 2001 in General Discussion
With all this talk of westerns I thought it only right for some of our great fiction writers to chime in here and write us a Western. So here is a place to start.This scene starts in Texas at about 1850. THE MOLE and .280 FREAK are on their way to Kalifornia to stake their claim for gold. Along the way they will enconter several villians and will also be picking up alot of their good friends to share the new found wealth with.Take it from here......
Ya'll are just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
«1

Comments

  • Bob in St. LouisBob in St. Louis Member Posts: 2 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Great Grandpappy BobInSt.L., having communed with some Mescali Indians, was at work in a dank cave in the foothills of the Sierra Madres cooking up the first batch of Bob's Best ----
    I know you are, but what am I?
  • AntiqueDrAntiqueDr Member Posts: 691 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    AntiqueDr had just finished showing a new invention to a slacker friend of his, one B.Tyler Henry. AD figured a repeating rifle with metallic cased ammunition was a little ahead of its time, so he traded the handmade patent model he had just finished to Tyler for a mule, a big bag of pearl onions and a crumpled, disreputable-looking Stetson that had seen much better days. Little did he know that he should have gotten new boots, the better to kick himself in the butt with...
    Now on the web! [email protected]"Remember son, you cannot polish a t*rd." - my father, upon my first gun purchase (Belgian hammer double).
  • deepsouth66deepsouth66 Member Posts: 4 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Well down at the ok corral saloon deepsouth66 and others from the GB territory are enjoying some of Bobs Best Moleasses trying to stir up some trouble about that time magnuman and his flaky side kick gonehunting busts in the door..............
  • gunboobgunboob Member Posts: 203 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    ...sayin'...They's some crazy coot callin' hisself "Gunboob" wantin' ta buy some arms, but is complainin' about the fact that all that's around is that muzzle loadin' stuff.Well, after the gunsmith explains that its only 1850,..."he's jist gonna hafta wait out back a while ta * some ctg. crap, 'n asks 'im, what-in-ell's he think this is,...the 1870's???"Made 'im mad, but he said he'd go grab some jerky 'n a bottle of redeye, 'n go wait a little.
  • mlincolnmlincoln Member Posts: 5,039 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    And right then I walk into the scene, dressed in a gray sharkskin suit and wearing a pair of cheap sunglasses. Everyone stops and stares in amazement at this fellow who is at least 100 years out of time and who if furiously chewing a toothpick. Then, without a word, I whip out a pair of 9mms and shoot everybody through the head. Huge exit wounds, blood splattered everywhere, brains in my hair. Fade to black. Roll credits. Produced and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
  • Bob in St. LouisBob in St. Louis Member Posts: 2 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I think it just turned into a Spaghetti Western. Where's Clint Eastwood when you need him?
    I know you are, but what am I?
  • AntiqueDrAntiqueDr Member Posts: 691 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    After giving the mule to Sister Sarah, AntiqueDr dons his faded multicolored motheaten poncho and adjusts his crumpled, disreputable Stetson. Making sure his brand-spankin'-new .56 caliber Colt Sporting Rifle is snug in its tooled leather scabbard, and checking the brace of Third Model Dragoons he customarily wore crossdraw, he pulls himself heavily onto his faithful mount Sourball and eases back onto the trail.The bag of pearl onions is destined for a secret spot hidden deep in the Sierra Madres, about a day's ride away. AntiqueDr smiles thoughtfully as he wonders what in the heck old Bob (from you-know) has brewed up in his infernal still. Hopefully, he'll be in a trading mood...
    Now on the web! [email protected]"Remember son, you cannot polish a t*rd." - my father, upon my first gun purchase (Belgian hammer double).
  • svfmnxsvfmnx Member Posts: 3 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    The bodies lay piled on the blood-soaked saloon floor, mixed with the sawdust and cockroaches -- an excellent recipe for pemmican. The once lovely dance hall girl, Matha "Calamity" Stewart, survey the scene cynically, concocting a a recipe. Then, suddenly, in the distance...![This message has been edited by svfmnx (edited 02-26-2001).]
  • gunboobgunboob Member Posts: 203 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    ....is heard the screechey hollerin' of Gunboob, whinin', "Hey, is it 1869 'er 70 yet?"
  • KdubKdub Member Posts: 713 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Meanwhile, in the border town of El Paso, Whiteclouder, Polishshooter and Kdub have rolled into town in a 2-wheeled cart drawn by a very small indeed donkey. Soaked to the gills in cheap taquilla, they lay surrounded by squeezed limes, bags of salt and empty bottles.The donkey tiredly pulls the creaking cart up in front of the nearest saloon, as he has been trained to do, and stops amid a small cloud of dust. The stop and lack of swaying motion causes the trio to stir. Kdub pulls himself up on one elbow, surveys the scene with bleary eyes and asks "Wazzzup!"Whiteclouder rolls over onto his back, then begins cursing as he reaches under and drags a newfangled looking shotgun from beneath him. It is Polishshooter's invention, in due time to be know as the Winchester Model l897 pump action 12 gauge shotgun. This one is the takedown model with a barrel cut to 18" and a dark brown patina finish. Strangely, all the sharp protrusions have been carefully filed and rounded.Poking PS in the ribs with the gun butt, WC groggily joins Kdub in looking things over.PS groans, uncurls from the fetal position, stretches and gives forth with a mighty kielbassa blast from the rectal region.WC and Kdub give forth with shouts of disgust and tumble from the cart to escape the odoriferous cloud that permeates the air.Struggling to upright postures and dusting the layered dirt from their tightfitting, spangled black Mexican costumes, the men adjust somberos, crossbelted gun rigs holding 4th model Dragoon Colt's, square shoulders and swagger into the saloon singing "The Three Amigo's".
  • AntiqueDrAntiqueDr Member Posts: 691 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    After bathing away a week's worth of Sierra Madre Oriental grime in the Rio Grande , aided by a comely young Mestizo lass named Sanchita, AntiqueDr is jolted from his midafternoon siesta by a blast of noxious wind out of the north. "Hmmm. Smells like kielbasa and gun oil. Could only be one person." With a determined grunt AntiqueDr levers himself to his feet and whistles for Sourball, who of course chooses to become deaf at that very instant. Sighing loudly, AntiqueDr makes his way to the insidious animal and pulls himself into the saddle. Waving goodbye to the demure Sanchita and wondering what or where "Hooter's" means on her shirt, AntiqueDr sets off northward to the fabled town of El Paso.It has been a long time since AntiqueDr has seen the notorious "Three Amigos." The last time had deteriorated into a drunken cesspool of poker, cheap whiskey and flatulence contests which ended with the destruction of most of the buildings in Fort Stockton when an unsuspecting whiskey drummer attempted to light a 5-cent cigar. Who knows what adventure might unfold should he cross paths with them again. Shifting in the saddle, AntiqueDr breaks wind in preparation for the event. Sourball, having witnessed the Fort Stockton incident, blasts forth a salute of his own as if to say, "Oh HELL yeah, me too!"
    Now on the web! [email protected]"Remember son, you cannot polish a t*rd." - my father, upon my first gun purchase (Belgian hammer double).
  • mlincolnmlincoln Member Posts: 5,039 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    As the young Ms. Calamity begins sharpening a filet knife and looking over her recepies, the man in the sharkskin suit props a boot up on the table and pulls a pack of smokes out of his human skin boots. He lights a match off the stubble of a dead man, draws deeply, and blows a yard of smoke at the the bullet-pocked ceiling. He shifts uncomfortably, scratches himself, and realizes that the Tijuana whore has given him a parting gift he'd rather have not gotten. He sets out in search of a razor and some kerosene.Meanwhile, a preacher rides a donkey into town. He dismounts the starved beast in front of the still smokey bar, and pulls out a revolver. Donkey meat isn't his favorite, but a man has got to eat. He pulls back the hammer and shoves the barrel into the beast's ear, but then he sees the young lady preparing a most unusual dish. He shrugs. When in Rome, he thinks to himself, and he uncocks the revolver and walks inside.
  • BlueTicBlueTic Member Posts: 4,072
    edited November -1
    As the sun starts it's decent, A man walks into town from the west. He casts a long shadow in front of him and theres the shadow of that hound which has been sniffin his tracks. He walks up to Lincoln as he is merrily scratchin himself around the privates and watchin Martha. "Hey Feller she looks like she could give you worsen what you already got".Licoln says "Where'n hell you come from"."New Mexico territory - theres some trouble brewin back there - got two horses shot out from underneath me and I'm outa powder. You aint happen to see them three fellers what was in that there cart. They's around here - I can smell-em. Hear tell they has got some extra supplies and are willing to trade for gold.
  • woodsmith42woodsmith42 Member Posts: 63 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    The harsh light from the western sun turned the old man's craggy face into a good likeness of a lunar map. The setting sun showed every year, every care that comes with many years on the range. You see, Woody was a cowboy and had lived and worked on that ranch most of his life.Well... he wasn't EXACTLY a "cowboy", ya see, it was a WORM ranch, so he was...a..er.. "wormboy". At night when all the chores were done and the mason jar of "Bob's Best" had been passed around the bunkhouse (er..wormhouse) Woody would entertain the other cowpokes (Wormpokes)with some of his stories, like the great disaster of "48 when the entire herd was lost at branding time (Little suckers just sizzle when you hit 'em with the iron)yep....yep....yep....(Narrator fades off into a drunken snore)
    Fat old white guys need love too
  • svfmnxsvfmnx Member Posts: 3 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    But one night, it wasn't funny anymore, Woody though to himself. "Let's see," he said aloud to the rest of the worm wranglers, "A bar full of dead men, plot sections that don't mean anything, canibalism, disgusting and decadent phrasing, drunken owl hoots, and blood and cockroach pemmican. My Goodness Gracious," Woody paused as silence filled the bunk, er, wormhouse to the rafters."This can be the nefarious work of only oneman." Like Hollywood Tibetan monks, the wranglers muttered a deep undertone. "SVFMNX!" And so saying Woody collapsed on the worm hills, strangled by his own larynx from the impossible pronunciation.The silent westerners broke out in a cold sweat which stung their eyes and and soaked their arm pits. SVFMNX. The sweat pouring off him, the A DR. shouted, "Hey, Linc," in a trembling voice, "Turn down the Gosh darned air conditioner. It's hot as Heck in here."Then, with a flash of lightning and a peal of thunder the one thing that coudln't happen did.The old drunk, Kdub, was the first with the temerity to speak. He said....[This message has been edited by svfmnx (edited 02-26-2001).]
  • SXSMANSXSMAN Member Posts: 2,616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    MARTHA LOOKED UP FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AS THREE MEXICANS WALKED IN.SHE WAS A VISION.BLUE EYES AS DEEP AS POOLS,WAIST LONG STRAWBERRY BLONDE HAIR,POUTY LIPS,LEGS THAT GO UP TO THE SKY AND A BUST THAT WAS LATER NAMED RUSHMORE.THE THREE WERE DIRTY,TIRED AND HUNGERY.SHE ASKED IF THEY WOULD LIKE THE BOBS BEST SPECIAL.THEY LOOKED UP IN AMAZEMENT.THE LARGEST ONE SHOUTED "BOB'S BEST!!! WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN BOB'S BEST AND IN A HAIL OF GUN FIRE.......
  • woodsmith42woodsmith42 Member Posts: 63 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Kdub said "Woody can't be dead, he already confirmed his reservations for our regimental reunion, the "Claudius Legion XXIV, Legate IX, reunion number MLCCII and besides, he STILL owes me for those souvineer Pict war axes". Meanwhile, his compadres, known as "Los Tres Buddies", realized that skin tight, black outfits with tastefully done silver sequins were EXACTLY the kind of clothing you wear to THOSE kind of bars.......Do "Tres hombres" learn to dance backwards? Can our intrepid trio learn to like "Depeche Mode"?Does the little mule start subscribing to "GQ"?(I don't wanna know)
    Some is good, more is better, BUT too much is just enough
  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Upstairs from the saloon, Whiteclouder is being tended to by not one, but two women. His fever has broken, and he is coming to his senses. Nay, it was not whiskey that laid him low, it was a bout of bronchitis. He vows his platitudinous revenge to those have left him in this state as Ms.Beast wipes his brow. TLynn, guarding the door with a .50 caliber Hawken, is suddenly shoved aside as Rosie bursts through the door. He drops a wink to Ms. Beast, and announces that yes, he will have his revenge. Ms. Beast rushes to his side and asks "Where is Timber?" Recognizing Rosie, TLynn drops the muzzle and embraces him. Whitecouder rises on his elbows and softly speaks: "Festus is on his way with Pelican. Fear not, the beast lives." Footsteps are heard outside the door. TLynn raises the Hawken...........
  • Evil ATFEvil ATF Member Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    ...and in strolls the Evil ATF. "I'm here for your guns, pards. Lemme see yer papers or hand 'em over, nice and slow like."Everyone's eyes go to Evil's twiching right hand, which hangs dangerously next to his right hip where his infamous blank search warrant sits holstered.
  • knifeboyknifeboy Member Posts: 2 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    From the hallway, a small sound catches everyone's attention. Was it the "snick" of a 1911's thumb safety being released? Was it a pearl onion accidently dropped?NO! It was the sound of a Benchmade switchblade opening in the hand of Knifeboy!EvilATF is now distracted. Should he finish what he started or answer the new threat? Then a voice from the shadows calls out, "You shouldn't oughta brung a knife to a gunfight boy!"
  • SXSMANSXSMAN Member Posts: 2,616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    SORRY SVMNX,I RELOADED PAGE BEFORE ENTERING MY REPLY,I WOULD HAVE CONTINUED YOURS BUT HAD NOT POSTED YET
  • svfmnxsvfmnx Member Posts: 3 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    That's O.K., it's a movie. It doesn't have to make sense. I know, I wrote films for 32 years.
  • thesupermonkeythesupermonkey Member Posts: 3,905 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Before then situation can deteriorate any further, a small, shady, slightly hairy? figure steps in from the shadows. "We aren't gonna have no trouble tonight are we?" asks sheriff monkey. "I still have magnumboy in the can, and if'n yall cause any trouble you'll be joining em." says the monkey as the tobacco dribbles out of the corners of his mouth. Faced with the prospect of spending the night with magnumboy, then tavern reverberates with the sounds of weapons being de-cocked and holstered.
  • knifeboyknifeboy Member Posts: 2 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    ...followed by a soft curse from Knifeboy who has just cut himself (again) trying to figure out how to close the switchblade. As the group starts to disband, muttering and mumbling about going to find some of Bob's Best, there is a sudden commotion outside! A thundering of hooves, and a hearty "HIYO.........
  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Ptooie!" as Whiteclouder relaxes his grip on the pistol he has hidden under the sheets."Festus!, Shouts TLynn, "We thought....""Now, now, there lil' lady, don't y'all be a-carryin' on so. Anda this all gunsmoke could jest set a feller's chest ta heavin'. Looks plumb like we got us a sick man on our hands, and we gots ta * him to the Doc! Why, Marshall Pelican is jest now clearin' us'n a way, so let's not be takin' all's this time! Onliest thing we gots to do is * our own selves outta here."'Clouder rises to swing his feet to the floor. "I can walk", he says and stands, shakily at first, but his face elicits a grim stolidity. "And I don't need the Doc."Tbeast attempts to take his arm and Whiteclouder shakes him off. "I told you, I can walk!" Tlynn has reloaded the Hawken and her face hardens. "Well, let's go. Why are we wasting time?" 'Clouder, pulling his boots on, again wonders, as he senses her desire for action. Could this be a vendetta? Against whom? Three gunshots from downstairs ring out. "NO!!", echoes a voice from the saloon. Festus arches an eyebrow. "Now what in tarnation? That thar sounded sure as shootin' like Saint Louie Bob. Ptooie!" Whiteclouder pulls on his duster. "Ms.Beast, where's that Henry rifle?" Excited, muffled voices drift up from the saloon.......
  • aby80aby80 Member Posts: 245 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bob says to Rosie, "I don't care about the pearlly onions, where's my Mescal worm?"
  • SXSMANSXSMAN Member Posts: 2,616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    IN WALKS,NO IN GLIDES A VISION OF PURE BEAUTY.HER OFF THE COLLAR -FINE AS A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH -GLIMERING BLONDE HAIR.EYES THE HUE OF ROBINS EGGS.SHE WAS TALL.IF GOD ASKED ME"I GUESS YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER?" SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN MY CREATION.SHE LOOKED AROUND"I'M LOOKING FOR SHERRIF DANO,I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW HIM.THE ROOM BECAME SILENT AND THEN.....
  • RosieRosie Member Posts: 14,525 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Rosie yells, Ms. Beast! Ms. Beast! Ms.Beast whirling around sees in an instant what is about to happen to her second greatest love, pulls a small but deadly bearcat and fires, sending a bullet straight down the barrel of the .44 which blows into a thousand pieces taking the better part of a hand with it, and then Dano---
  • RosieRosie Member Posts: 14,525 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Yells, CATCH HIM! But it is too late. Clouder has fainted dead away out of fear of what allmost happened to his best friend---
  • SXSMANSXSMAN Member Posts: 2,616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I just wanted to dredge this up,hated to see it lay on the bottom.There are some people that can write on this board,let's see some magic.(Or even something from those that can't)U no hoo U r.
  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Rosie drops a wink at MrsBeast, while TLynn attempts to rouse 'Clouder. Her Hawken is never out of reach, and she has the look of revenge in her eyes. For whom? And for what? A question still unanswered. TBeast raises his head and looks straight at Andy. "What you got, hotshot?". Andy looks up from the coins he is collecting and answers: "'Bout five hunerd, I figger". RussH, dead from the blast of MrsBeast's Bearcat, lays at the floor near Andy's feet. Andy reaches down and picks up the shards of the blown apart Dragoon, and throws it onto the table. "And this," he says with a chuckle. "All right, my friend..." says TBeast with a groan, as he reaches down and pulls the moosehide sack from his boot. "Five hundred here, I figger another 40 on the table. You and me, Metz. Showdown. One hand. For the works." Whiteclouder has come around, after receiving a sip of the first Coors ever produced, gently administered by TLynn. "What in the hell is that swill?" he asks, gasping. "Your brother said it would bring you around," says TLynn, as 'Clouder spies Humpy leaning over the corpse with Sheriff Dano. "Gotta * him to the body shop!" says Humpy. Dano lays a hand upon Humpy's shoulder. "I'm afraid no amount of Laudnum bondo is going to fix this here critter.". Dano and Humpy drag RussH to the splintery bat-wing doors and toss him outside."Who deals?", says Andy."Whose the most honest man in the room?" replies the Beast.The cards are handed to Whiteclouder, who counts them twice, and shuffles once. "High card cut for the first card." He announces. TLynn has left his side, but stands close, her Hawken once again in her hands. Andy cuts and pulls a nine. Beast gets a three. Metz chuckles and gives TBeast the look that says: "You're mine!", but his eyes betray him. He is nervous. 'Clouder deals. An ace goes to Andy. A king goes to Beast. Another ace goes to Andy. The room is suddenly very quiet, save for the sound of the street dogs taking out their revenge upon the body in the street. In the quiet, MrsBeast can be heard speaking to Bob in St. Louis, the bartender: "One Jack Daniels, please." Bob answers: "Jack who?". "I'm sorry, I forgot, they don't make that yet. Just give me something strong." Rosie drops her another wink and orders a ginger ale. With a pearl onion. Whiteclouder deals TBeast a Jack. "I'll give you a chance to back out now.", says Andy.TBeast only motions, head down, for Whiteclouder to deal. A quiet metallic ring is heard as Festus hits the spittoon with a hunk of chaw. Whiteclouder deals Andy another ace. Hoofbeats are heard outside, approaching quietly, as to not interrupt the game. TBeast is dealt another King. There is no motion in the bar now except for the up-and-down of TBeasts cigarette. Andy is dealt a deuce. Hushed whispers begin. Whiteclouder licks a finger and peels a card from the deck. He flips a Jack to TBeast. The muffled voices grow louder. The next card comes off the deck. Andy receives a Queen. Three of a kind for Metz, but it still beats the two pair TBeast has. The bar is beginning to come back to life, side bets in every corner. Whiteclouder plucks the card from the deck and flips it onto the table.........................................
  • homer4homer4 Member Posts: 128 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Love this stuff!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.
  • RosieRosie Member Posts: 14,525 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    TO THE TOP! oh, sorry about yelling. I just got excited reading the story.
  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    A horrible ruckus erupts. In the far corner, the local mailman and the guy in town who likes to shoot are in a melee with Sheriff Dano and deputy David. As they are shoved towards the door, the poker table is knocked over. Their last parting words, since they both had side bets going are: "What was the card, what was the card???!!!". As they are tossed out the door, Rosie, tipping yet another wink at Mrs Beast, says: "I seen it. Beast got the full house." Elizabeth, from behind the bar, speaks slowly. "I saw it too.", as her hand moves down to clutch the shotgun hidden under the bar. From the edge of the door, the Supermonkey nods, eying Festus. Ptooie! The spittoon rings again. TLynn cocks the hammer on the Hawken, looking at the cluttered barroom with disdain. Whiteclouder looks up, confidently and begins to address the room: "I'll say to you all.....when suddenly the hoofbeats ouside cease, and in walks........
  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 35,710 ******
    edited November -1
    Whiteclouder needs to find another word to substitute for the s-word. There are lots of them. Thanks.
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator and Supreme Ruler of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Email [email protected] Jesus is Lord!
  • He DogHe Dog Member Posts: 49,579 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Who was that masked man?
  • shaneshane Member Posts: 882 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    That was nunn better known by us injuns as kemosobie, he rides a white horse and showes up when you need him. He's my hero!!!!!!!
  • RembrandtRembrandt Member Posts: 5,012
    edited November -1
    Did he leave a "Silver Bullet"?
  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Nobody'll ever know, I reckon. The best writer has been silenced. See ya on the range, 'Clouder!!!
  • .280 freak.280 freak Member Posts: 1,942 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Just thought this one deserved another look, as the rest of the good stories from the past here at GB have evaporated into the nether regions of cyber-space.For some of the newbies who missed out, this is an example of the type of fun we used to have around here.Good times.
Sign In or Register to comment.