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blonde joke
Big Sky Redneck
Member Posts: 19,752 ✭✭✭
Two factory workers, a man and a blonde, were talking.
"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her. He climbed up to the rafters, and hung
upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
With a straight face the man answered, "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped
down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too and boss asked her where she
thought she was going.
"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her. He climbed up to the rafters, and hung
upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
With a straight face the man answered, "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped
down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too and boss asked her where she
thought she was going.
"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
Comments
"What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked.
The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE". [:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Hypocrisy is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am
now a millionaire.
"And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com the best gun auction site on the Net! Email gpd035@sbcglobal.net
was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look
like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
PJ
If nobody seen you do it, how could you have done it. NRA PATRON-LIFE Member, AF&AM, Shriner Life Member, A.B.A.T.E. of Illinois "Chicago Chapter" Founding Member & Board Member
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELL THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE! REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH ,I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,"
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words,"I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her
forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama and I just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
There are no bad guns, only bad people.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. [;)]
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my Boobs. I can splash it on my
eyes." [:D]
An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a
wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to both study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
>
> A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
> their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
>
> She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
> all the features on the phone.
>
> The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
> husband.
>
> "Hi hon," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
>
> She replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell
> but there's one thing I don't understand though."
>
> "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
>
> "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing.
Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days! 51 days!!
The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle.
He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??"
"Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly,' the blonde said, 'first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So?' asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
'So then?' asked the doctor.
"'Then I put the gun to my ear," and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.[:D]
to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there,
she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she
didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached
home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy!
They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
If you want my guns you will have to kill me first. I was born free and to take that from me you better be ready to fight.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and
repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde. [:o)][:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
"What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure." Thomas Jefferson to William Stephens Smith,1787.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, then he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who
was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the
blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was
getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look
like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's
square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally
found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is, 'she said. The
blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion." [:I][:I]
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel,
"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year . . . namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
A very attractive blond from Dublin, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know . . . I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks
Not all blondes are dumb
But all men........are men.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she
is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say, "Hello."
First blonde "Those are deer tracks"
Second blonde " No no those are bear tracks"
Just then they are both run over by a train![:D]
Her friend said, "Well, you really don't have enough time, but if you work very hard all week, maybe you can do this. Learn all your states and capitals, and he'll think you are sooo smart."
The blonde agreed, and studied day and night for almost a week. She told her friend she was ready. The friend doubted she was, and said so. The blonde said, "I really am! Ask me a few and you'll see!"
The friend said, "Ok, what's the capital of Georgia?"
The blonde said, "That's way too easy. Ask me a harder one!"
The friend said, "Ok, if you insist. What's the capital of Montana?"
The blonde, beaming with pride, said, "M."
>>>
>>> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
>>> expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a
call
>>> from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year
ago
>>> and I had yet to pay for them.
>>>
>>> Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a
blonde
>>> does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him
just
>>> what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely,
that in
>>> one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
>>>
>>> There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up.
>>> I have not heard anything back.
>>>
>>> Guess I won that stupid argument!
>>>
>>>
>>>
Larry
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
_________________
If your beliefs aren't based in fact, TRUTH is the first casualty...
> on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
> in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
> local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the
> attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well
> then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
> of shoes for free!"
>
> The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
> go on and give it a try?"
>
> The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
> young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
> As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming
> rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim,
> shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby
> were
> 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the
> bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and
> manages to flip the gator onto its back.
>
> Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS
> ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the
bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon
leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get
there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home.'
The Brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull
and decides to buy it. The man tells her that he will
sell it for $599 no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says I want to
send a telegram to my sister telling her that I bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to
our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home. The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
happy to help her out, and then adds that it will be
0.99 cents a word, she realizes that after paying for
the bull she only had a dollar left, she would only be
able to send her sister one word, she thinks for a minute
and nods her head and says I want to send my sister the
word "comfortable".
The telegraph operator says how is she going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer up to the truck and come
and pick you up with the word comfortable? The brunette
explains my sister is a blonde the word's big so she'll
read it slow (COM-FOR-DA-BUL).
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there!
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR COACH CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO HER ORIGINAL SEAT .
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO- PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT
BELONGS IN COACH AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR COACH SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND BLUSHING SLIGHTLY SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN COACH.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".[^]
"Yeah but will it hold up in court?" TLR
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this......Buy a ticket!"
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
Will Rogers
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
Will Rogers
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation. They then get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering. I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.