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Andy Rooney Comments
HAIRY
Member Posts: 23,606
Subject: Andy Rooney
> > Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
> >
> > Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
> >
> > Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
> >
> > My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
> >
> >Andy Rooney on Monica.
> >
> > Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on morning differences.
> >
> > Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on cripes.
> >
> > My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on Grandmas.
> >
> > My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, 'Sexy Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on answering machines.
> >
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
> > BEEP "Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
>
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Hypocrisy is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
> > Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
> >
> > Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
> >
> > Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
> >
> > My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
> >
> >Andy Rooney on Monica.
> >
> > Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on morning differences.
> >
> > Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on cripes.
> >
> > My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on Grandmas.
> >
> > My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, 'Sexy Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
> >
> >
> >
> > Andy Rooney on answering machines.
> >
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
> > BEEP "Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
>
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Hypocrisy is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Comments
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry * if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe .. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!! .
Greg
Former
USMC
ANGLICO