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Survival Guide For Pooping at Work
beneteau
Member Posts: 8,552 ✭✭✭
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will leave no doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will leave no doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
Comments
And just to add one more totally gross yet EXTREMELY funny antecdote to this gross yet totally hilarious thread. I worked for medical diagnostics division as an electronic technician many years ago and I will never forget going to the shipping department one day to fetch a machine. Whilst there, I witness an astounding event the likes of which I have never seen! The warehouse workers were measuring their body weight on the freight scale and then going to the men's room to 'unload' and then re-weighing themselves afterwards. The had a betting pool who could lose the most weight after each persons attempt to eliminate the most.
How 'bout a collection. The 50 States, Rendered in Dung.
I believe the Bush Administration has beat you to it.
We have a toilet seat bolted to foldin legs with a backrest. It sits in an abandoned Iraqi Oil Ministry building behind the building where I live. We have high walls, excellent security and some neighbors with serious firepower so it's safe to do this. I take a 15 million candle-power spotlight since there is no electricity and go into the oil ministry with a cardboard MRE box and the spotlight and usually a periodical (Field & Stream or some other sportsmen's magazine). I light up the room and sit back. Your skill is honed when you are able to make sure all of it gets in the box while flipping through pages of various crank-bait reviews at the same time. If it was a gay bar instead of an oil ministry building then one could say that the very act itself is "crank-bait" but we won't go there.
And just to add one more totally gross yet EXTREMELY funny antecdote to this gross yet totally hilarious thread. I worked for medical diagnostics division as an electronic technician many years ago and I will never forget going to the shipping department one day to fetch a machine. Whilst there, I witness an astounding event the likes of which I have never seen! The warehouse workers were measuring their body weight on the freight scale and then going to the men's room to 'unload' and then re-weighing themselves afterwards. The had a betting pool who could lose the most weight after each persons attempt to eliminate the most.
Shoot I wrestled in highschool and knew many a teammate that was sitting on the pot 30 secs before weighin.
Even see some...uh...mishaps....during the matches fro taking to many laxatives.
At this one match in WVA ...hmm or was it Texas?
My most gratifying experience....
We have a toilet seat bolted to foldin legs with a backrest. It sits in an abandoned Iraqi Oil Ministry building behind the building where I live. We have high walls, excellent security and some neighbors with serious firepower so it's safe to do this. I take a 15 million candle-power spotlight since there is no electricity and go into the oil ministry with a cardboard MRE box and the spotlight and usually a periodical (Field & Stream or some other sportsmen's magazine). I light up the room and sit back. Your skill is honed when you are able to make sure all of it gets in the box while flipping through pages of various crank-bait reviews at the same time. If it was a gay bar instead of an oil ministry building then one could say that the very act itself is "crank-bait" but we won't go there.
That is BY FAR the funniest story I have ever heard coming out of Iraq!! I've heard of a lot of uses for MRE boxes, but you win the award for "Most Creative Use Of A Used MRE Box"!! I can't wait to share this story with my 'boys' - ~my former high school students over there ~ the next time I write to them. ROFLMAO!![^][^][^]
Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!
In manufacturing the bathrooms are nasty!
I will walk 1/2 mile to the other end of the plant if it is a clean bathroom. Once there, I will tread lightly. Not to damage the place. Leave it like I found it. Clean and tidy.
Above all else, I will tell no one the wearabouts of this secret oasis.
Work poops are an uncomfortable experience. A clean and private restroom can make it almost tolerable.