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KIRBY: My Wife Says OK to Permit, But No to Gun
Josey1
Member Posts: 9,598 ✭✭
KIRBY: My Wife Says OK to Permit, But No to Gun Thursday, January 24, 2002 BY ROBERT KIRBY When it comes to important Olympic news coverage, you depend on me to go where normal reporters do not. So I have gone and armed myself with a concealed weapon. Wait. This is an important Olympic issue. Many people do not know how to acquire and properly conceal weapons around ticket scalpers. You can relax. For safety reasons, I will arm myself only with a concealed weapon permit. I received permission to do this from no less a public safety official than my wife. I couldn't care less if the FBI got mad at me. My wife is a different story. The chances of her letting me carry a concealed gun are exactly zip. I can show you a bullet hole in our china hutch as proof. Still, in my line of work, it's nice to be prepared to bother the right kind of people. Just as soon as I get my concealed weapon permit, I plan on wearing it where everyone can see it, especially everyone at the University of Utah. Getting a permit turned out to be harder than I thought. You can't buy them at Wal-Mart. You have to take a class. There's a test and everything. I called Omega International, a Utah County company that sounds like it might specialize in foreign espionage, but in fact is partly in the business of screening local idiots. I know the owner of Omega. Kerry and I used to be cops together. I figured this would work to my advantage. As usual, it did not. "Does your wife know about this?" Kerry asked. After I provided written and notarized proof that she does, we got down to the serious business of teaching me how to carry a concealed handgun. It's way more complicated than just shoving a gun in your pants. And more boring. Instead of examining the importance of a high rate of fire as it applies to spotting Osama bin Laden working at 7-Eleven, Kerry lectured me at length about the law. For example, did you know that it's against the law to carry a concealed weapon into a church, an airport terminal or an Olympic venue? This makes no sense. If ever there were a place you might need to defend yourself, it would be in church. After all, most of the dangerous nuts in the news are religious. There was some other stuff about not giving guns to minors, not carrying a gun while drunk, and not checking to see if a gun is loaded by pointing it at the Rosie O'Donnell Show and pulling the trigger. I passed the test, which consisted of holding still long enough for Kerry to take my fingerprints. That, a check for $59, two passport photos and two letters of reference were all I needed. The letters were the hardest part. The writers must clearly state that you are not completely nuts, and that they don't mind living on a planet that would allow the likes of you to carry a concealed handgun. I called at least 50 friends until I found two willing to write me such a letter. Because one of them is Larry Erdmann, I anticipate some delay in getting my final permit in time for the Olympics. This almost wraps up my preparation for the 2002 Winter Games, set to begin in two weeks. I have my bartending permit, my torch-relay suit, my scalped tickets and my broken pelvis from an ice-skating lesson. I'm as ready as . . . wait, I still need a foreign language lesson. How do you say, "Please do not touch my handgun" in French? _________ Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. He welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663 or e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com. http://www.sltrib.com/01242002/utah/170161.htm
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"ANY" EXCUSE IS A GOOD REASON TO BUY "JUST 1 MORE".& VICIE-VERSIE!
Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, take it to a mechanic. will270win@aol.com ~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~[This message has been edited by will270win (edited 01-26-2002).]
Have Gun, will travel
Have Gun, will travel