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MAN....you guys will love this fart related story.

Locust ForkLocust Fork Member Posts: 32,051 ✭✭✭✭
edited October 2012 in General Discussion
This takes about 5 minutes to read....well worth it too! I was CRYING at one point because it was so funny!

http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes)

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized .

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's lying on the couch while I type this . "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
LOCUST FORK CURRENT AUCTIONS: https://www.gunbroker.com/All/search?Sort=13&IncludeSellers=618902&PageSize=48 Listings added every Thursday! We do consignments, contact us at mckaygunsales@gmail.com

Comments

  • Bubba Jr.Bubba Jr. Member Posts: 8,303 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The same thing happened to me on my second date with my last girlfriend. Apparently farts bind because we've been married over 42 years now. [:D]
  • Mr. PerfectMr. Perfect Member, Moderator Posts: 66,404 ******
    edited November -1
    farts happen. big whoop. I don't get the anxiety.
    Some will die in hot pursuit
    And fiery auto crashes
    Some will die in hot pursuit
    While sifting through my ashes
    Some will fall in love with life
    And drink it from a fountain
    That is pouring like an avalanche
    Coming down the mountain
  • ltcdotyltcdoty Member Posts: 4,183 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    That's one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time. [:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]
  • susiesusie Member Posts: 7,637 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    OMG, I'm sitting here in my office wiping tears from my eyes. [:D][:D][:D]
  • fideaufideau Member Posts: 11,895 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    It happens.
    Elderly husband and wife sitting in crowded church one Sunday.
    Wife leans over to husband and whispers, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
    He whispers back very close to her ear."Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
  • Locust ForkLocust Fork Member Posts: 32,051 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    [:D][:D][:D]
    LOCUST FORK CURRENT AUCTIONS: https://www.gunbroker.com/All/search?Sort=13&IncludeSellers=618902&PageSize=48 Listings added every Thursday! We do consignments, contact us at mckaygunsales@gmail.com
  • toad67toad67 Member Posts: 13,008 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by susie
    OMG, I'm sitting here in my office wiping tears from my eyes. [:D][:D][:D]





    Did you just let one go??[:D]
  • Horse Plains DrifterHorse Plains Drifter Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 40,170 ***** Forums Admin
    edited November -1
  • pirate2501pirate2501 Member Posts: 1,851 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I've been married 32 years and my wife claims she has never farted (yeah right) [;)]
  • searcher5searcher5 Member Posts: 13,511
    edited November -1
    Man, did you ever make me laugh with that one. There just ain't much better than a good fart story!!!!!!

    ( I know. I was raised by a father who was the master of the art of "pull my finger")
  • stegsteg Member Posts: 871 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My fart story has nothing to do with being married. I am one of those people whose audible farts have no aroma. But, my long silent ones, the kind that you hardly feel coming out, will peel wall paper!
    Anyway about 55 years ago, I was the helmsman on the mid-watch (Midnight to 4 AM) aboard an ammunition ship. We were in the middle of the North Atlantic, and because it was cold as h**l outside, the hatches from outside to the bridge were closed.
    Anyway, I was concentrating on steering the ship and I didn't realize I had broken wind until everyone started cursing out loud and opened the hatches to the bridge wings and everyone on watch including the Officer of The Deck stood outside until the bridge was aired out. It was so bad I had to stick my nose into a voice tube leading to the flying bridge to be able to breathe. Needless to say, I was famous throughout the ship by morning! It took a couple of weeks before the uproar died down!
  • savage170savage170 Member Posts: 37,539 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • Marc1301Marc1301 Member Posts: 31,895 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Sounds like Jenny McCarthy wrote this far-fetched saga.
    She suffers/suffered from flatulence and diarrhea according to what I heard.
    "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here." - William Shatner
  • PTHEIMPTHEIM Member Posts: 3,374
    edited November -1
    Great story. Truely funny.

    Back a few years, Me and the wife unit were cruising the footware dept of our Walmart.
    I was checkin' the mens boots looking for my size and she cruised on down the way.

    A few minutes later I was goin' to link back up w/her and started a walkin' SBD about 4 aisles wide.

    I passed an aisle w/a mother and 3 kids and met the wife unit two aisles down.
    By that time I was in tears w/laughter and before the wife unit could get her question out, the oldest kid I just passed shouts out at the top of his lungs, "Holy chit, did someone just crap their pants!!" *

    His mother went thermal on him.

    Wife unit rolled her eyes as we walked off and I was sobbing so hard Walmart staff asked me if I was okay.



    * edited for more useful words.
  • montanajoemontanajoe Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 60,159 ******
    edited November -1
    [:D][:D][:D][;)][:0]
  • danielgagedanielgage Member Posts: 10,543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    [:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]

    my wife laughed,and cried until the kids thought she was crazy

    thanks for sharing the laugh
  • EhlerDaveEhlerDave Member Posts: 5,158 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    After the awful day I had, this is just what I needed to make me smile a bit.

    Thanks for posting.
    Just smile and say nothing, let them guess how much you know.
  • MBKMBK Member Posts: 2,918 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    It was 1968 and about 15 of us were in a masters degree investment class in Gunnison, Colorado. It was exam day, and we had those desk chairs that you could move.

    Gradually the whole class smells a rotten one, and every one of us scooted our chairs way over to one side-front of the classroom. Well, all but one, his name was Dave Nickx, he was left in the rear beside the blackboard. The whole class eruped in laughter as he turned red.
  • big genobig geno Member Posts: 2,685 ✭✭
    edited November -1
  • jjmitchell60jjmitchell60 Member Posts: 3,887
    edited November -1
    Many moons ago, I and 2 buddies went to Long john Silvers to eat during lunch. Well one of my buddies passed a silent but very deadly one. together he and I both looked at our otehr buddy, got up from the booth, said loudly that he should go wipe his pants after that, and sat down by ourselves in anotther booth. Well our buddy, who was not tthe one to let the fart, ate his lunch with his head looking down and told us he would get even with us as we left Long john's. He did get even one day.

    My grand daughter passed a silent but very deadly one a week back, she is 6 years old. Her father, my SIL, blamed it on m 8 month old grand son and said to doodles (my grand son and his son) did you bababooey you diaoer boy. my daugher was alufhing because she was watching my grand daughter giggling!!! My daughter finally told her husband that it was the grand daughter. Said it was so bad that they had to air out the house!! Of couse I got blamed for the whole deal due to letting my grand daughter eat a whole bag of Tostitos (sp)!!!
  • 11b6r11b6r Member Posts: 16,584 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    When wearing an enviro suit (think space suit w/ supplied air) NEVER eat burritos or beans the night before.


    Makes a lot of the warning alarms go off.
  • john wjohn w Member Posts: 4,104
    edited November -1
    We had a kid in high school who could actually sing a tune with his farts!. It was funny as hell and he could do it any time you asked with no problem.
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