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want some more jokes?
7mm_ultra_mag_is_king
Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
a couple of these may be off color to some so if you get offended easy please don't read these
Achieve 103%We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."Well, here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all,here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does oneachieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.IF:A = 1B = 2C = 3D = 4E = 5F = 6G = 7H = 8I = 9J = 10K = 11L = 12M = 13N = 14O = 15P = 16Q = 17R = 18S = 19T = 20U = 21V = 22W = 23X = 24Y = 25Z = 26Then:H A R D W O R K =8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%Similarly,K N O W L E D G E =11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%But interesting (and as you'd expect),A T T I T U D E =1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), isB U L L S H I T =2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting ormoving to the South, there are a few things you should know thatwill help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,The South has 'mater samiches.The North has coffee houses,The South has Waffle Houses.The North has dating services,The South has family reunions.The North has switchblade knives,The South has Lee Press-on Nails.The North has double last names,The South has double first names.The North has Ted Kennedy,The South has Jesse Helms.The North has an ambulance,The South has an amalance.The North has Indy car races,The South has stock car races.The North has Cream of Wheat,The South has grits.The North has green salads,The South has collard greens.The North has lobsters,The South has crawdads.The North has the rust belt,The South has the Bible Belt.If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheeldrive pickup truck with a tow chain will be alongshortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is whatthey live for.Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....Don't buy food at this store.Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" isplural possessive.Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for"Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalentof saying "No!"Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can'tunderstand you either.The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner'svocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol " boy. MostNortherners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of themare in denial about it.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear aSoutherner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this,"you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'llever say.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallestaccumulation of snow, your presence is required at thelocal grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.You just have to go there.When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is theproper speed and position for that vehicle.Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, theyare proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn isto pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.AND REMEMBER:If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will acceptthem as Southerners. After all, if the cat hadkittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . . If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled body is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Walt Nunley this is for youA man and a woman were dating. She being of a > > religious nature had held > > >back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her > > so bad. In fact, he > > had > > >never even seen her naked. > > >One day, as they drove down the freeway, she > > remarked about his slow > > >driving habits. > > >"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's > > play a game. For every > > 5 > > >miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll > > remove one piece of > > > > >clothing. > > >He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. > > >He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her > > blouse. > > >At 60 off came the pants. > > >At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. > > >Now seeing her naked for the first time and > > traveling faster than he > > ever > > >had before, he became very excited and lost control > > of the car. He > > veered > > >off the road, went over an embankment and hit a > > tree. His girlfriend > > was > > >not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him > > free but alas he was > > > > >stuck. > > >"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't > > have anything to cover > > > > >myself with!" she replied. > > >The man felt around, but could only reach one of > > his shoes. "You'll > > have to > > >put this between your legs to cover it up," he told > > her. > > >So she did as he said and went up to the road for > > help. Along came a > > truck > > >driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the > > road, he pulled over to > > hear > > >her story. > > >"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck > > and I can't pull > > him > > >out!" > > >The truck driver looking down at the shoe between > > her legs replies, > > "Ma'am, > > >if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
Don & Bob got laid off from their jobs, so they went to the > unemployment office to apply for assistance. > When they arrived, Bob went first and the women asked what he did > for a living. > He responded that he was an elastic stitcher and she asked him > what that was. > He said that he sewed the elastic on women's panties. She said > that wasn't a very skillful job, so she allowed him $300.00/wk. He thanked > her and left. > Then Don went in and she asked him what he did and he answered > her by saying he was a diesel fitter. She said that was pretty skillful so > she allowed him $600.00/wk. > When he got outside his friend Bob asked what he got. When Bob > heard the amount he said what did you tell her you did. Don said diesel > fitter. > So Bob went back in and asked why Don got more than him. She > said well you're an elastic stitcher and he's a diesel fitter and more > skilled. To that Bob answered, I sew the elastic on the panties and then I > give them to Don and he looks at them and says "Dees i'll fit her".
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching." Moral: Not all blondes are dumb
Ok I'll stop but I have a ton more if Y'all want 'em 10-4?
when all else fails........................[This message has been edited by 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king (edited 11-27-2001).]
Achieve 103%We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."Well, here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all,here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does oneachieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.IF:A = 1B = 2C = 3D = 4E = 5F = 6G = 7H = 8I = 9J = 10K = 11L = 12M = 13N = 14O = 15P = 16Q = 17R = 18S = 19T = 20U = 21V = 22W = 23X = 24Y = 25Z = 26Then:H A R D W O R K =8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%Similarly,K N O W L E D G E =11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%But interesting (and as you'd expect),A T T I T U D E =1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), isB U L L S H I T =2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting ormoving to the South, there are a few things you should know thatwill help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,The South has 'mater samiches.The North has coffee houses,The South has Waffle Houses.The North has dating services,The South has family reunions.The North has switchblade knives,The South has Lee Press-on Nails.The North has double last names,The South has double first names.The North has Ted Kennedy,The South has Jesse Helms.The North has an ambulance,The South has an amalance.The North has Indy car races,The South has stock car races.The North has Cream of Wheat,The South has grits.The North has green salads,The South has collard greens.The North has lobsters,The South has crawdads.The North has the rust belt,The South has the Bible Belt.If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheeldrive pickup truck with a tow chain will be alongshortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is whatthey live for.Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....Don't buy food at this store.Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" isplural possessive.Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for"Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalentof saying "No!"Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can'tunderstand you either.The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner'svocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol " boy. MostNortherners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of themare in denial about it.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear aSoutherner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this,"you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'llever say.If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallestaccumulation of snow, your presence is required at thelocal grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.You just have to go there.When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is theproper speed and position for that vehicle.Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, theyare proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn isto pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.AND REMEMBER:If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will acceptthem as Southerners. After all, if the cat hadkittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . . If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled body is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Walt Nunley this is for youA man and a woman were dating. She being of a > > religious nature had held > > >back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her > > so bad. In fact, he > > had > > >never even seen her naked. > > >One day, as they drove down the freeway, she > > remarked about his slow > > >driving habits. > > >"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's > > play a game. For every > > 5 > > >miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll > > remove one piece of > > > > >clothing. > > >He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. > > >He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her > > blouse. > > >At 60 off came the pants. > > >At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. > > >Now seeing her naked for the first time and > > traveling faster than he > > ever > > >had before, he became very excited and lost control > > of the car. He > > veered > > >off the road, went over an embankment and hit a > > tree. His girlfriend > > was > > >not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him > > free but alas he was > > > > >stuck. > > >"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't > > have anything to cover > > > > >myself with!" she replied. > > >The man felt around, but could only reach one of > > his shoes. "You'll > > have to > > >put this between your legs to cover it up," he told > > her. > > >So she did as he said and went up to the road for > > help. Along came a > > truck > > >driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the > > road, he pulled over to > > hear > > >her story. > > >"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck > > and I can't pull > > him > > >out!" > > >The truck driver looking down at the shoe between > > her legs replies, > > "Ma'am, > > >if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
Don & Bob got laid off from their jobs, so they went to the > unemployment office to apply for assistance. > When they arrived, Bob went first and the women asked what he did > for a living. > He responded that he was an elastic stitcher and she asked him > what that was. > He said that he sewed the elastic on women's panties. She said > that wasn't a very skillful job, so she allowed him $300.00/wk. He thanked > her and left. > Then Don went in and she asked him what he did and he answered > her by saying he was a diesel fitter. She said that was pretty skillful so > she allowed him $600.00/wk. > When he got outside his friend Bob asked what he got. When Bob > heard the amount he said what did you tell her you did. Don said diesel > fitter. > So Bob went back in and asked why Don got more than him. She > said well you're an elastic stitcher and he's a diesel fitter and more > skilled. To that Bob answered, I sew the elastic on the panties and then I > give them to Don and he looks at them and says "Dees i'll fit her".
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching." Moral: Not all blondes are dumb
Ok I'll stop but I have a ton more if Y'all want 'em 10-4?
when all else fails........................[This message has been edited by 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king (edited 11-27-2001).]
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