A couple of jokes

mudge

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'





Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

mudge

A little boy fellow came in from playing in the yard, covered from head to toe in dirt, and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"Wow!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"





During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

mudge

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!


A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "I've had it now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Holy cow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh no, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that stupid monkey?!! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

I cannot tell a lie....I got these from a buddy in South Dakota

Mudge the plagiarist


I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!

homer4

Hehe! Pretty good stuff there Mudge.

"...Abby someone""Abby who"..."Abby Normal"

bama55

Don't send flowers when I die. Send money now, I can buy more ammo.

Harleeman1030

roflmao

Harleeman1030@aol.com

COONASS

good ones,,,,,,,,everyone needs to smile from time to time


coonass

We Live in a World of Give And Take, But A Lot Of People Won't Give What it Takes.

4wheeler

I am still laughing!!!!!!

"It was like that when I got here".

punchie

Now that is a smart dog!! roflmao

n4thethrill

if you would kindly foward me an address i would like one of those dogs

you can be king or street sweeper but everyone is going to dance with the reaper

Highball

Put me down for two !!!!

God,Guts,& GunsHave we lost all 3 ??