Wasted time.....should have spent it on.......

robsguns

Yesterday my family and I spent most of the day with my father, who lives here in Buffalo, MO. I've been here in Ft. Leonard Wood, MO for over 3 years. I've only gone to see him a few times. Same goes for him coming here. I guess my father and I are a lot alike in some ways. One of those is that we dont know how to communicate with each other how we really feel. The problem is we all had a great time together yesterday, we fished in one of his ponds. The kids, ages 5 and 6, caught their first fish of their lifetimes. We took pictures. Then the kids caught a Catfish each, both of them were over 14" and quite heavy. Neither me nor my dad caught anything to brag about, as we were really helping the kids. I've never caught a catfish as big as the ones my kids brought in. My dad and I were really happy for them, it was quite the family moment. The kids want to go back today, everyday. Now the problem is I'm leaving in a week and I'm regretting missing so many chances to spend time with him, with my kids. I am not sure but I think my dad was really happy to have them there, and just as sad to see them be going so far away. I was surprised to see that he has the pictures of the kids we send him every year all over the house. I didnt know they meant so much to him. Its the same old story, too little too late. I feel like kicking myself. I dont have any problems with my dad, nor he with me, as far as I know, but we're just not close. Long story. Now I feel so bad for not going to see him more, even though I dont think I should. I think I've done the same thing with my mom, kind of been detached since joining the military, years ago. This feeling sucks, to say the least. How do you go about makeing up for lost time when both parents live states apart, and you yourself have no time to commute to them? There are things you want to say to your parents, but its just not possible for you to speak those words sometimes. Sometimes being in the military really sucks, in this case, its an issue of how hardened its made me towards life in general, and that same hardness seems to have carried over into my relationship with my parents. I look at my kids and know that I will be feeling just like my mom and dad when they do as I have done, go off to start their own lives. Hopefully things wont be the same between my kids and I, since I dont forsee my wife and I ever leaving each other as my parents did. I sure hope that staying married results in a different outcome with our children coming to see us with their children. Enough whining, just had to get that out there.

SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC

Nighthawk

I cant say I know what your saying,But I do understand.As far as the Military goes thanks to guys like you we can share stories and Brag about our Military to our youth.

Best Wishes

Rugster


Tou Jours Pret

He Dog

Familiar story Rob. I suggest you send him a copy of your post.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

Iconoclast

Ryan, you are in the military, but that has at most very little to do with this - the same thing could, and likely would, have happened if you were teaching school in Buffalo, MO. And you are not whining. As we establish our own families, we become wound up in that existence. Our spouse and children need us. We have commitments to our occupation. We spend time on GB - or whatever. It's natural, it's normal. And most parents understand because they went through the same experience and "don't want to intrude" on your life. Then they pass away & we experience guilt because we didn't do enough (in our guilty second thoughts) to spend time with them, to enable them to spend time with their grandchildren, etc., etc., etc. Am I close? Amigo, you have been given a rare opportunity of enlightenment. Now you have a sense of the meaning you and your children have for your parents. Use your knowledge. The whole family will benefit. And you will not wake up some day when you can't do anything about it saying "if only I had known." BTDT; it is not a great feeling.

SXSMAN

I'm with He Dog,send him a copy.
My dad died 2 weeks after I turned 19,many things I would have liked to have said and also not.Budget future time when on leave to spend with the folks,not too late to put the function back in disfunction.
Good post.

Have guns,will travel

pikeal1

robs, your post brought a tear to my eye. I feel the same way about my dad. sometimes its just a real hassle to go and see him...but when im there i realize thats its worth the trouble. My dad isnt very sentimental and doesnt share his feelings well..but has all my pictures up since I was a young'un.

I hope that you feel better about this...just give him a call a little more often and try to get out there as much as possible. unfortunately, time is not something we can undo. Once its gone, its gone.

Alex

Brth729

robsguns--If it's any consolation, you're not the only one rowing that boat. As I read your post and some of the others, I saw plenty of similarities in the relationship I have with my father. After I got part way through I had a song go through my head. You know the one. I think it's by Harry Chapin. Cat's in the Cradle. The one where he sings "When ya' comin' home? Dad, I don't know when." Don't punish yourself, but in the same instance don't waste any time either.

***I'm in the hi-fidelity first class travelling section I think I need a Leer jet***

aglore

Ryan as you know from some conversation we had through e-mail or on MSN Messenger I too am from Michigan. My whole family lives there to this day. I left there in 1971 when I joined the Marine Corps and have only been back twice in that time. Have not spoken to any member in my family since 1994 and don't really know why with the exception of my brother. This thread reminds me that I better contact my father as he is 76 years old and not many good years left. Thanks for the reminder.

AlleninAlaska

He who dares not offend cannot be honest.
-- Thomas Paine

Shootist3006

Ryan, as did many others here, I experienced the same sense of waste and loss as you express. In my case it took many years to get it all together and begin to show my Dad how I felt and how much I/we needed him. He has passed now but my memories are of the times together - not the times apart.
It was easy to blame the Corps and easy to maintain a distance and now it is hard to think of all the lost time and lost love. Rather than kick yourself for the lost opportunities, use this new realization as a basis for change, for a chance to become close. It is not too late and both of you have (God willing) years to grow yet together.
One way to do this would be to use the phone (yeah, but they do have phones - even at Lejune), try to call 2 or three times a week, not to have anything special to say, just to talk. Might be awkward at first but it will get easier. By doing this, you will help to fill a hole in your parents lives also.

Quod principi placuit legis habet vigorem.Semper Fidelis

Varmintmist

Ryan, When I went into the Corps (at 17) my dad said "You can come back anytime you want, for a visit." It wasnt mean, we got along ok, it was I think his way of letting me know I was grown up. We never did a lot of the dad and lad stuff. He was into working, self employeed. I learned to run a Case uniloader at 8, and I was a fair hand with a grader at 16. For about 10 years we talked on the phone once in a while and I visited occasionaly. Still got along ok. Then I had kids. He REALLY wants me to visit now, as long as I bring the kids I think its a grandparent thing. Go see him, parents are more fun with the grandkids.

Those people who see nothing but grey areas, no black and white, are lost in the fog.

Matt45

Ryan-

I know where you are coming from, I called often, visited little when I was on active duty. I then moved clear across the country when I got out, and called less.

I've gotten better lately, especially when I got engaged to my wife, we've been back East to see my folks twice, and they have been here twice, we are also going out there with our 7 month old this October. I guess my point is that you can't change the past, but you can take the lesson from it and change the future?

Matt

Reserving my Right to Arm Bears!!!!

michael minarik

ROBSGUNS: it will only be TOO LATE if you allow it to be TOO LATE! Don't allow it! Make the effort and you will enrich your childrens humanity and they will pass it on and so on...

robsguns

I appreciate all the responses on this topic. I hadnt expected so many. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who has acted/felt this way. It doesnt change the fact I have wasted so much time, but at least I know I'm not some sort of disfunctional social freak/child. I'll make it a point to call more often as some have suggested, and try to make a point of makeing a stop at both parents when on longer periods of leave. I dont think I can do much more than that at this time. Seems you do have it figured about right Iconoclast, Brth729 I know the song well, and I worry more about that scenario every day. I act just like that, and I actually have that song as a type of guiding light every once in a while. I know I do that to my kids too. Allen, after you call your dad, you should make plans to go home and see your dad too, you've been gone too long Allen, you and me both.

SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC

marinebadger

Amen to all the above. Our human familial connection may be all we really have in this world. Like someone's signature says, "the greatest things are not things". I am fortunate that my brother is driving to my place as we speak, and in less than a month we both will go home to OK...him for good, me for a visit. I will remember to take time and appreciate time spent. Thanks for the reminder. And rest assured, if your loved one has passed it doesn't mean they don't hear you and feel your love. You will see them again.

"a Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean amother"

Rosie

Rob
Quit talking about what should be and go NOW! and I do mean NOW and call them and tell them you love them. For Gods sake man I know what I'm talking about, I was an orphan and would give anything to have the option you have right now. DON'T WAIT!!!

idsman75

I've wasted some time in my life. I consider my three years of college a complete waste. I wish I would have joined the Army as soon as I graduated from high school. I'd actually have a shot at making E-7 by the time I'm 30.

My dad and I never got along nor did we think or communicate on the same wavelength. He's always been a bit uptight and I've always been rather laid back. Our personalities always clashed and still do on occasion. It's difficult for me to spend more than 7 days at home at one shot. Things have changed quite a bit since I joined the Army though. We've come to appreciate one another a bit more. I'm a bit older and a wee bit more experienced now so he actually respects my opinions and decisions. I also realize that he has quite a bit more experience under his belt so I actually respect and take his advice into consideration when he gives it to me. He just got into guns and shooting and hunting so now he comes to me for answers.

woodsrunner

Ryan,
It's not just parents we do this to. My aunt lived with us when I was a kid. Took care of my brother and I until I was old enough to handle the job. We've been pretty close. She's been living with and taking care of my elderly grandmother. Last sunday I was going to take them a big bag of vegies from my garden. I had alot going on and gave the bag to a friend. I figured I'd have more this weekend, I'd take some then. Monday night my aunt went to bed and had died in her sleep. She was 51 yrs old. I never considered she wouldn't be there this weekend. I spent thursday at her funeral. Spend as much time as you can with your dad before your move. Don't leave yourself in the position of saying "I should have taken the time". I only had to take an hour out of my busy day. Now I'm kicking myself in the * for not doing it.

Woods

Varmintmist

Idsman,

Dads do seem to get smarter the older WE get, dont they I get along good with mine now, though 5 days is about my limit. Just part of growing up.

Those people who see nothing but grey areas, no black and white, are lost in the fog.

cowdoc

family is the most important thing in this world, I am luckly i get to work with my dad and two brothers farming and ranching(we each have your own farm and ranching operation luckly), there are days that things dont go the smoothest for sure, one thing that we do here is if one of us is pissed about something, we get it out in the open so everybody knows where each one of us stands...luckly nobody stays mad to long might be mad for 5 mins or couple days then we are over it and go about business.
onething we all are human and we all make mistakes just part of life just let the past be the past and keep looking to the future.

Family members are really the only ones that truly care about you in this world if you have nothing else in this world, you at least have your family. not really any words of wisdom just my thoughts.
doc

I dont give my guns without somebody getting hurt!

bama55

Ryan,

You have been given a lot of good advice. Use it now, not
later. I agree you should copy your post and send, or take it

,to him. Make time for visits as often as you can. Phone him
a couple times a week. Tell him, often, you love him. Do not
wait, do it now. My father died in '91. I regret not telling him
I loved him until he was on his deathbed. I know he loved me, and
he knew I loved him, but it was never said. It is better to be
said. You have the opportunity to make up for what you feel is
lost time. Start now.

bama55

Don't send flowers when I die. Send money now, I can buy more ammo.

twins

Like it has been said, don't wait. Once it is to late,its to late. My dad died when I was 18, don't lose what you don't have to.