In order to participate in the GunBroker Member forums, you must be logged in with your GunBroker.com account. Click the sign-in button at the top right of the forums page to get connected.
Options
Cop Funnies
nunn
Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,026 ******
The last two are the best:
CAUGHT FOR SPEEDING:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
STUCK UNDER A BRIDGE
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up
that read, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car arrived.
The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver,
put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
THANK GOODNESS:
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on
the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk."
The wasted wino asked, Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," answered the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief. I thought I
was a *."
DEALING WITH TROUBLE:
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali at the same time.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist --
probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us
how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and * for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," he growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope, I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
CLOSING TIME:
The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man answered.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the cop.
"My wife," replied the man.
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
CAUGHT FOR SPEEDING:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
STUCK UNDER A BRIDGE
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up
that read, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car arrived.
The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver,
put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
THANK GOODNESS:
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on
the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk."
The wasted wino asked, Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," answered the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief. I thought I
was a *."
DEALING WITH TROUBLE:
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali at the same time.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist --
probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us
how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and * for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," he growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope, I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
CLOSING TIME:
The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man answered.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the cop.
"My wife," replied the man.
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
Comments
Here are some more:
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after
you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
(I actually got to use that one the other day!
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
Will270win@nraonline.com
Finally, as his speed passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the side of the road.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *you* were that officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
How about this one....
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, he pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman objected, but once again the drunk insisted and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
Regards
Peter E Jeppesen
Greenland
Just owns a silenced 22LR Anshutz =o) .308Win Steyr Mannlicher - Scout
That's all I need, but not all I want.
Don't do anything I've allready done - That'd just be plain stoooopid. =o)
In God I trust, all others keep your hands where I can see them.
In God I trust, all others are run through NCIC.
(I actually know an LEO who has this one on his business card)