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A few FUNNIES!
kimberkid
Member Posts: 8,858 ✭✭✭
Who is it?
Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill. I wonder if you can answer a question for me.
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer!! I know who it is!! It's Colin Powell!"
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
=========================================
Subject: CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The 1st man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The 2nd man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
*****
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
==================================================
The facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was but it requires you let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"
=================================
I used to know everything, then I grew up!...(kinda)
kimberkid@gunbroker.zzn.com
Edited by - kimberkid on 05/24/2002 11:03:43
Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill. I wonder if you can answer a question for me.
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer!! I know who it is!! It's Colin Powell!"
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
=========================================
Subject: CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The 1st man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The 2nd man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
*****
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
==================================================
The facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was but it requires you let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"
=================================
I used to know everything, then I grew up!...(kinda)
kimberkid@gunbroker.zzn.com
Edited by - kimberkid on 05/24/2002 11:03:43
If you really desire something, you'll find a way ?
? otherwise, you'll find an excuse.
? otherwise, you'll find an excuse.
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