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Hypocritical Oath
cpileri
Member Posts: 447 ✭✭✭
The Hypocritic Oathby Lee PittsLEE PITTS c 2001, all rights reserved 12.20.01I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a carbut condemn oil companies. I don't want trees cut for any purpose other thanto provide the lumber for my next house.As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire at least fourchildren by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation inthe world.I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmersand ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges inWashington DC save all endangered species, except the small business man. Ifeel government is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all,look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM andassorted other alphabet agencies.As a self righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day withbarbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand thatfeedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege should bepreserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a septictank or the ocean.I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my bigcity backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission formountains lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand theabominable beast be shot on sight.I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of theirdrilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the enginerunning. I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigatingutility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time Iwill send money to green groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams andstand in the way of any new power producing projects.I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette andsipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lungcancer.Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in agarden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As apompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be takenaway from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price,quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my strongly heldconviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray Iuse to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watchingthe Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditionedhouse.I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a nationaldisgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea issimply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms butnot from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the factthat hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demandthat the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our nationalforests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires toburn near my house.As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and allanimal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save mylife. I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock albumthat endorses killing cops.Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe thatrural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside andthey must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit someday when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the the barrenbig city in which I currently reside.Paul Harvey says: "Lee Pitts, the good ol' boy editor...believes that what'smainly wrong with American society these days is that too many of our roadshave been paved...there's not a problem in America today...that could not beremedied if we just had more dirt roads.""Dirt roads build character
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