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Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
austin247
Member Posts: 375 ✭
New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains
Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.
To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.
You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
Night sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests.....aren't.
The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.
Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, nonrefundable vacation.
You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
Waterproof boots aren't.
You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the department with a bad case of diarrhea
You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL
Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's
If your patrol car's air conditioner is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you.
If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening.
Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit.
You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection.
Court will be canceled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene, or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime.
It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do.
Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency.
Crime only occurs on days that end in y
You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year
Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken.
Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift.
Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH
You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it.
The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call, right after the food is served of course
The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defense cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is "Crucial to this case!"
Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you.
Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway.
Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are.
Your time is always less important than the time of the judge and prosecutor.
Equipment always fails at the most inopportune time, usually right after you've checked to make sure it's working.
When a cop does something right, no one remembers; When a cop does something wrong, no one forgets.
The "big" pay raise will always come next year.
One day YOU will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky.
No matter how quiet the radio has been, an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night.
You only lock yourself out of the squad car, when your portable radio is not working.
On the day you make the felony arrest of your career, just as the news crews arrive, your zipper will break.
The higher the oath, the bigger the lie...except when your Sergeant is telling the story.
Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car.
The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency, will be its inconsistency.
When you get old, with lots of experience, and need the peace and quiet, they will pair you up with a rookie!
The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts.
What is said in the patrol car stays in the patrol car. Unless it was said in the patrol car.
There is a code of silence in law enforcement. Until Internal Affairs, the news media, and lawyers get involved.
When you are late for work and in a hurry to iron your uniform shirt, the power system will fail suddenly.
The time you need to transmit on the radio comes immediately after you have taken a big bite of your lunch
You only need assistance in a hurry when you are in the part of town your radio doesn't work in.
Your alarm clock is guaranteed to break, making you late for work, the day after you receive a department-wide memo regarding attendance policy and punishments.
The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your counties history.
If the guy you pull over for speeing says he was going so fast becaause he has diarrhea, and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car, it will turn out he wasn't kidding
Your department will always be over budget, and your equipment will always be older than you
Never date Murphys' daughter, especially when Murphy is the Chief
A police officer who wields a baton or other impact weapon in a fight is more likely to strike another cop the criminal
Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.
To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.
You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
Night sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests.....aren't.
The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.
Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, nonrefundable vacation.
You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
Waterproof boots aren't.
You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the department with a bad case of diarrhea
You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL
Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's
If your patrol car's air conditioner is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you.
If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening.
Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit.
You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection.
Court will be canceled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene, or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime.
It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do.
Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency.
Crime only occurs on days that end in y
You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year
Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken.
Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift.
Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH
You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it.
The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call, right after the food is served of course
The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defense cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is "Crucial to this case!"
Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you.
Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway.
Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are.
Your time is always less important than the time of the judge and prosecutor.
Equipment always fails at the most inopportune time, usually right after you've checked to make sure it's working.
When a cop does something right, no one remembers; When a cop does something wrong, no one forgets.
The "big" pay raise will always come next year.
One day YOU will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky.
No matter how quiet the radio has been, an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night.
You only lock yourself out of the squad car, when your portable radio is not working.
On the day you make the felony arrest of your career, just as the news crews arrive, your zipper will break.
The higher the oath, the bigger the lie...except when your Sergeant is telling the story.
Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car.
The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency, will be its inconsistency.
When you get old, with lots of experience, and need the peace and quiet, they will pair you up with a rookie!
The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts.
What is said in the patrol car stays in the patrol car. Unless it was said in the patrol car.
There is a code of silence in law enforcement. Until Internal Affairs, the news media, and lawyers get involved.
When you are late for work and in a hurry to iron your uniform shirt, the power system will fail suddenly.
The time you need to transmit on the radio comes immediately after you have taken a big bite of your lunch
You only need assistance in a hurry when you are in the part of town your radio doesn't work in.
Your alarm clock is guaranteed to break, making you late for work, the day after you receive a department-wide memo regarding attendance policy and punishments.
The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your counties history.
If the guy you pull over for speeing says he was going so fast becaause he has diarrhea, and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car, it will turn out he wasn't kidding
Your department will always be over budget, and your equipment will always be older than you
Never date Murphys' daughter, especially when Murphy is the Chief
A police officer who wields a baton or other impact weapon in a fight is more likely to strike another cop the criminal
Comments
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The mayor's wife will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick, and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom."
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests might be.
Old squad cars never die -- they just smell that way.
Bullet Proof vests, aren't.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and
choke harder too.
The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
High-speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
(I REALLY like this one!)
Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your
entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often
than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available
weapons, (living room) to an area with many available weapons. (kitchen)
If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.
Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters,
martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-* civilian will pull along side of you and ask for directions.
You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
can.
On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets. (My flashlight is about 6" long.)
Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
If a large group of drunken bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the
Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker
"holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
I laughed all the way through, thanks for posting it.
-Charlie
"It's the stuff dreams are made of Angel"NRA Certified Firearms InstructorMember: GOA, RKBA, NJSPBA, NJ area rep for the 2ndAMPD. njretcop@copmail.com