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I know you guys have seen this but.......
beachmaster73
Member Posts: 3,011 ✭✭
This still brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. Especially in light of some recent comments on the board I thought everyone including the Texans who see this type of Yankee behavior frequently would enjoy it. BeachCHILI COOK-OFF NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the firsttwo judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! Theyactually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. Ittakes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You willlikely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me,you will be howling out loud.INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTERNotes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texasfrom the East Coast:"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to bestanding there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, whenthe call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) thatthe chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could havefree beer during the tasting. So I accepted."Here are the score cards from the event:CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILIJUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paintfrom your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that'sthe worst one. These Texans are crazy!CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILIJUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted togive me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they sawthe look on my face.CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILIJUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans.JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I havebeen snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me More beerbefore I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in thefront part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beerCHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGICJUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or othermild foods, not much of a chili.FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to tasteit, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standingbehind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. gal is starting to look HOT,just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVERJUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very Impressive.JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit thecayenne peppers make a strong statement.FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can nolonger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given mebrain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directlyon it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticksme off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Darn thoserednecks!# 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETYJUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice andpeppers.JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuricflames. I pooed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through thechair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be wierder than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILIJUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilipeppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about JudgeNumber 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn'tfeel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like itis made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILIJUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?[This message has been edited by nunn (edited 02-17-2002).]
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