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funny
7mm_ultra_mag_is_king
Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
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"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" [;)][;)]
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my *, not my head!"
I just now got that i forgot the link. Wow. [V]
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/82906469/
sorry if this has been posted before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WpD7i4RxnY&mode=related&search=
Reaching people
Actress Drew Barrymore is filming a documentary aimed at persuading young people to vote. She recently happened upon members of the D.C. chapter of FreeRepublic.com, the conservative grass-roots network, as they conducted a Washington protest.
"Can I ask you guys a question?" Miss Barrymore said. "You come out and you protest. Do you feel that it makes a difference? Do you feel that you reach people?"
Group leader Kristinn Taylor answered: "We used to do this down at the White House every Saturday for a couple years when Bill Clinton was there. It goes like this" - and here Mr. Taylor turned to his fellow Freepers, to have them join in the chant. "You guys ready? One, two, three: 'Bill Clinton, we have you surrounded! Drop the cigar, step away from the intern, and come out with your pants up.' "
"Wow," said the actress.
"The first time we did that," Mr. Taylor said, "the Secret Service officer who was working the gate started laughing so hard he doubled over and walked behind the guard shack to compose himself."
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People--
Your
last name stays put.
The
garage is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.
You
can never be pregnant.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
The
world is your urinal.
You
never have to drive to another petrol station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles
add character.
People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You
know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You
can open all your own jars.
You
get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You never have strap
problems in public.
You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything
on your face stays its original colour.
The
same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You
only have to shave your face and neck if at all.
You
can play with toys all your life.
One
wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all
seasons.
You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. (personal favorite)
You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.
No
wonder men are happier.
Send
this to the women who can handle it
and
to the men who will enjoy reading it
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a beautiful
old bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a beautiful female
genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His * was gone, his knee was broken, and he had! no health insurance.
God is good.
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they * warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
when all else fails........................
http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=3169
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over a tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the *,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the *,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the *.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from another, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the *?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?'
Semper Fi!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU&feature=related
[}:)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [^]
ATF
when all else fails........................
"Daddy, wheres my booger"?
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....
that is funny
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
http://stg.do/9i0c
Was looking for a place to eat, when what do I notice a Chinese place I had not seen before. With a dog grooming place right next door.
That's one place I would not take a dog to be groomed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jBqgjBVAhA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Lee
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The preacher said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN