Just a little humor

mudge

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES , SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER . WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" " I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."


FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY,
"DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

And my personal favorite.

THE MOOD RING:
ONE WOMAN SAYS TO ANOTHER, "HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD."

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN THE THREE-YEAR-OLD BOY OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
DAD WAS NOT SO PLEASED. HE TURNED TO HIS MOTHER AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."

Mudge the humorist
_________________

I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!<BR>

mudge

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again. Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.
But finally he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly
camel, where is my water"demanded the Grand Emir? 'A thousand pardons,
Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"but a man is sitting on the well."



A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.



A cardiac specialist passed away after a long and successful life. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart, made-up of nearly a thousand flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon, and a touching eulogy had been concluded, and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart-shaped flower sculpture opened, the coffin was rolled inside, and then the heart slowly closed totally enveloping the deceased physician.Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?" I was thinking about my own funeral, the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" The man asked. I'm a gynecologist!"

Well...They don't top Jeeneyes "Southern Signs" but I try.

Mudge the entertainer

I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!

mudge

A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a single Ranger standing on a hilltop in their area. The commander told two of his men to go take out the American, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill. The two Afghanis followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers. The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the American. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again. The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the American. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one Ranger, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the hill. The blood thirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally, one lone soldier came crawling back to the Afghani commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice: "Sir,...run,...it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!" *********************************************Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks over and says, "What are you guys doing?"And Bush says, "We're planning World War III."And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans and onebicycle repairman."And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"Bush turns to Powell and says, "I told you no one would worry about the140 million Afghans!"Mudge

---

I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS![This message has been edited by mudge (edited 11-09-2001).]

SXSMAN

Daddy likes!

badboybob

Good post mudge!

.250Savage

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!