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How to Avoid a Ticket

FitzFitz Member Posts: 258 ✭✭✭
edited March 2002 in General Discussion
I just heard this one. Thought you all might appreciate it.FitzThere was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 95 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 135 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing?I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is my birthday, so I'm in a pretty good mood. Considering that you stopped for me, if you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before,I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day".
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Comments

  • Brth729Brth729 Member Posts: 1,231 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    FitzTry the Bubba and Earl near the bottom of page two. If that one doesn't do it try the "Warm up for st. patricks' day"[This message has been edited by Brth729 (edited 03-15-2002).]
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  • susiesusie Member Posts: 7,601 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Here's another one:A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: "May I see your drivers license?"Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."Officer: "May I see the registration for this vehicle?"Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."Officer: "The car is stolen?"Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car, and stuffed her body in the trunk."Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK!?!?"Driver; "Yes sir." Hearing this the officer immediately calls his captain. Police quickly surrounds the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. Captain: " Sir, can I see your license?'Driver: " Sure, here it is." It was valid.Captain: "Whose car is this?"Driver: "Its mine, officer. Here is the registration". The driver owned the car.Captain: "Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there is a gun in it?"Driver: "Yes sir, but there's no gun in it". Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: "Would you open the trunk? I was told you said there's a dead body in it".Driver: "No problem."Trunk is opened and there was no body.Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said that you told him you don't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk."Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too."
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  • slidder12slidder12 Member Posts: 358 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    then there was the one of the women(true story too)who was pulled over by the state police in illinois for speeding..when the officer asked the women for her lic and regshe asked hin if was going to sell her tickets to the state troopers ball,the trooper looked at her and said mam state troopers don't have balls...stopped for a min closed his ticket book handed back her papers and left,,took about 10 min foe the women to stop laughing before she could proceed to her destination
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  • COONASSCOONASS Member Posts: 2,068 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    TWO COONASSES (NOT KID) WERE DRIVING AROUND ONE EVENING DRINKING SEVERAL BOTTLES OF BEER WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY CAME UPON A LA STATE TROOPER CHECK POINT...BOUDREAUX TOLD THIBODEAUX TO HURRY AND PULL OVER.....BOUDREAUX TOLD HIS DRINKING BUDDY TO PULL HIS LABEL OFF HIS BOTTLE AND PLACE ON HIS FOREHEAD LIKE HE DID.........THEY PULLED BACK ONTO THE ROAD AND PROCEDED UP THE CHECK POINT........ROLLING THE WINDOW DOWN AT THE CHECK POINT THE WISE TROOPER COULD SMELL ALCOHOL..........HAVE YOU BOYS BEEN DRINKING THE TROOPER ASKED.........THE WISER COONASS THIBODEAUX TOLD THE TROOPER, "WILL CERTAINLY NOT................................................................................................................................................................................. .................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................CAN'T YOU SEE WERE'RE ON THE PATCH....
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  • Brth729Brth729 Member Posts: 1,231 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Hey CoonassThat's a good one. I think I beat you to the punch though. I posted one similar to it on the 11th.
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  • dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000 ✭
    edited November -1
    A Texas Highway patrol pulls over a lowrider on a back country road with two youths slumping low in the seats. As he approaches the car, the driver rolls the window down about a half of an inch and asks the patrolman, "Wha's uuup"?. "Sir, please roll the window all the way down", replies the officer. The driver does, and the patrolman suddenly gives him a very hard punch in the face, splitting his lip and bloodying his nose. "The next time an officer of the law approaches this window, you show some respect mister. You have the window down and your license, registration and proof of insurance in your hand and ready", explains the officer. He then walks around to the passinger side window. When the passinger see's him coming, he hurriedly rolls the window down all the way and grabs his I.D. out of his wallet. When the officer arrives at his destination, he suddenly gives the passinger a dose of the same medicine he had given the driver. "What was that for? I had the window down and my I.D. in hand", asked the passinger. "That's so when this is over, and you're two miles down the road, you won't be telling him, boy, it's a good thing he didn't try that on me", answers the officer..........
    Save, research, then buy the best.Join the NRA, NOW!Teach them young, teach them safe, teach them forever, but most of all, teach them to VOTE![This message has been edited by dheffley (edited 03-16-2002).]
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  • BullzeyeBullzeye Member Posts: 3,560
    edited November -1
    That last one aint funny, not even as a joke.If a cop was ever dumb enough to punch me in the face and split my lip, laugh about it, and walk away without taking my gun with him, I'd end up being on the lam for the rest of my life. Lets put it that way.
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  • IconoclastIconoclast Member Posts: 10,515 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bullz, that was a *incredibly* immature, D-U-M-B, comment. Deadly force is justified under the law and under social compact *only* for protection from deadly, or potentially deadly, force being directed against oneself or others. You trying out for poster boy for the Brady Campaign? You have my vote! And if I knew your father, I'd have him take your firearms away until you grew up some more. I know you had an unfortunate experience w/ an LEO, but there are plenty of non-violent alternatives available through the legal system, especially under the circumstances in the above scenario. Use your head, not your hormones. slidder12, if you have a copy of the news report or can direct us to the original story, I sure would appreciate it. That has to be the best foot in mouth story I've ever heard.[This message has been edited by Iconoclast (edited 03-16-2002).]
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  • dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000 ✭
    edited November -1
    Bullzeye,Please go look the word "joke" up in the dictionary. That was a joke! Living in Texas, I can assure you that the Texas Department of Public Safety has some of the most tolerant, curtious and professional LEO's in the business. It kind of makes me wonder if you've ever given a LEO reason to split your lip. And, I wouldn't try to shoot it out with a THP, they're very good shots!
    Save, research, then buy the best.Join the NRA, NOW!Teach them young, teach them safe, teach them forever, but most of all, teach them to VOTE!
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  • badboybobbadboybob Member Posts: 1,658 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bullzeye isn't old enough to carry, and he proves the wisdom of having age limits on firearms ownership and beer drinking.If he wants to pull his gat and shoot a LEO he had better make damn sure I'm not around, for I will join the firefight and I will win because I'm one mean SOB.Bullzeye you need to go under the porch with the little dogs until you grow up.
    PC=BS
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  • BullzeyeBullzeye Member Posts: 3,560
    edited November -1
    You're right!What I really ought to do in a situation like that is hang my head like the bad little boy I am, accept the wise discipline given out by some potbellied back-country Boss Hogg and go get my nose and jaw fixed, and lip sewn up at my own expense.And for the record, that situation is hardly far-fetched. The investigation into the LAPD just uncovered literally dozens of incidents where destitute ghetto-dwellers who were threatened into writing false witness reports so as to convict innocent men. It's amazing what people will do when they're in mortal fear.And I'll repeat what I said before: If ANYONE, especially a cop, breaks my nose, busts my lip open, chews me out, laughs about it, and walks away, they better make sure that they've taken my gun first.The other option is to get out, say "You've assaulted me, that's unacceptable, and I'm going to return the favor" which will simply result in him pulling out his gun and shooting me 6 times in the head. Perfectly legal, of course.I dont consider complaining to the department an option. Unless you've got it on tape, or the guy walks into the station house with your blood on his hands, you just must have fallen in the shower and broke your nose and lip. Clumsy.Whoever thought that joke up obviously thought that it would be really funny if a cop gave a severe beating to some kids who just happened to have the wrong kind of car, or the wrong kind of hair, or the wrong kind of clothes.Why didnt Officer Hogg just call his Klan buddies and lynch them at the end of the joke? Then it would have been REALLY funny!And for the record: The gun simply has to be unloaded and covered (or cased), according to NY law. I can carry a SAR-1 covered with a sheet in my passenger seat with impunity so long as I dont uncover it, or load it.
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  • Big Sky RedneckBig Sky Redneck Member Posts: 19,752 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If you ever paid attention to his know it all attitude and pay attention to his posts and how he claims to be smarter than a Harvard Proffesor it would make you wonder if his little "mishap" with the leo wasnt somehow instigated by hisself. I have recieved several traffic tickets and quite a few warnings. All of which I deserved. I made a comment about the Ohio Troopers in another thread and I do want to say even though they are extremely aggressive toward truckers I can honestly say that the "driving awards" I recieved in Ohio was given to me because I earned them. The speed limit in Ohio is 55 for trucks and I do disobey it quite often. The cop did not make me speed, I made the choice and he got me dead to rights. I personly do not like hearing so much negative comments about the leo's mostly the ones about shooting them. It is ok to joke about them as it is ok for you to joke about any proffession but to claim that you will shoot over a joke?? Bullzeye, you may not like cops but it's like this, that cop you can't stand will most likely lay down his life for you. He chose a job that has deadly dangers and low pay. Why? It's his job. And he will be there when you call for help. I have the utmost respect for LEO's and no way will I want to walk in their shoes. I'm glad they are there. They may not be miracle workers but imagine life without them. Some have views different from ours, they may not agree with your beliefs but that is life. I do hope that they will make the right decision when needed, some will not some will. Sure there has been a couple of them that I wouldve liked to punch in the kisser but I do not lump them all together. I would help a cop in need and I may even risk my life for him. Why? Because he would do the same for me. Bullzeye, you need to grow up. Life cannot be lived in the books you read, you need to see the real world, you need to experiance it. To all of you leo's on here, I say thank you for doing a job that I am to chicken to do. I for one am glad to know that when needed there will be a Crown Vic with flashing lights coming to help. BTW, please lay off of trucks a little bit, we just want to get home on Friday and cash our paychecks and to be with the family. We may be outlaws in the truck but we share one thing with you, we have a job that is unappreciated and not liked by alot of people.
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  • COONASSCOONASS Member Posts: 2,068 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    7MM NUT VERY WELL WRITTEN.....I KNOW A LOT OF GOOD UNDER PAID COPS TOO..THERE IS GOOD AND BAD PEOPLE EVERY WHERE,,,,COPS,FIREMEN,DOCTORS,LAWERS,COOKS,TEACHERS,STATE WORKERS, TV REPAIRMAN ETC ETC ETC.........................BULLZEYE, I DO AGREE WITH A LITTLE IN YOUR LAST POST,,,BUT DONT SAY ALL ARE BAD BECAUSE I ASURE YOU THEIR NOT......MOST ARE VERY UNDER PAID BUT THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY LOVE TO HELP PEOPLE..YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK....................................................BUT MOST OF ALL REMEMBER NO MATTER HOW BIG YOU ARE, HOW MANY GUNS YOU OWN, HOW WELL YOU KEEP IN IN THE 10 RING,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''THERE'S NOT A HORSE THAT CAN'T BE RODE OR A MAN THAT CAN'T BE THROWN.....................COONASS...."THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET
    IS TO MISS A CAR PAYMENT
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  • bartobarto Member Posts: 4,734 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    i was going to print this out but its to damn wide! is there anything one can do about that? (computer stupid) barto
    the hard stuff we do right away - the impossible takes a little longer
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  • LowriderLowrider Member Posts: 6,587
    edited November -1
    Hey Bull: Why so hyped-up and intense all the time? The boys were telling jokes here. I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties.
    Lord Lowrider the LoquaciousMember:Secret Select Society of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets She was only a fisherman's daughter,But when she saw my rod she reeled.
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  • niklasalniklasal Member Posts: 776 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Lowrider is right on this post. Relax a bit Bullzeye! We're all having fun here, whether you find one joke funny or not. Besides, there are lots of other threads out that are getting heated enough. I think this is a rather neutral and refeshing post.
    NIKLASAL@hotmail.com
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  • COONASSCOONASS Member Posts: 2,068 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    BARTO...YOU GAVE ME A GOOD LAUGH......ITS WIDE ON MY PC FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS ALSO...THE OTHER FORUMS ARE FINE...................
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  • TeamblueTeamblue Member Posts: 782 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bullzeye,I usually am very reserved on this forum just posting once in awhile when I feel that I have something beneficial to offer. So I offer this to you for all to see:It has been my experience that folks with surplus bravado who try to sound tough like you just did are the first ones to sh*t their pants when the adrenaline dumps. You would do well to remember that most folks on this forum have forgot more about life than you have learned thus far and are not impressed. Just something for you to think about.
    1*[This message has been edited by Teamblue (edited 03-17-2002).]
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  • ADfreeADfree Member Posts: 188 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    7mmNut... I assume that anyone on this site, regardless of whom, is brighter than your average harvard prof.
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  • instrumentofwarinstrumentofwar Member Posts: 1,545 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bullzeye-one word, two syllables ..... prozaccome on it's a damn joke for petes sake, lighten up already.
    When in doubt...."FRAG OUT!"
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  • hunter280manhunter280man Member Posts: 705 ✭
    edited November -1
    Barto; click on print; click on properties; click on landscape; click on size to fit paper. worked for me
    Though I was born to royalty, I was snatched at birth, so treat me as the noble I am!!!
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  • robsgunsrobsguns Member Posts: 4,581 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I guess Bullzeye got woke up wrong this morning. I havent heard anything really dumb from him in a while, but then I havent been reading his posts either. Lets all just forget it, I would hate to see this turn into another bashing fiasco.
    SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC
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