Funny Stuff

davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
edited May 2002 in General Discussion
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    These are so bad, they're good:
    > > >
    > > > 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    > > > Unique Up On It.
    > > >
    > > > 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    > > > Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
    > > >
    > > > 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    > > > They Take The Psycho Path
    > > >
    > > > 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    > > > You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
    > > >
    > > > 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    > > > Dam!
    > > >
    > > > 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    > > > Polaroid's
    > > >
    > > > 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    > > > A Stick.
    > > >
    > > > 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
    > > > Nacho Cheese.
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    > > > Subordinate Clauses.
    > > >
    > > > 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    > > > Quatro Sinko..
    > > >
    > > > 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    > > > Spoiled Milk..
    > > >
    > > > 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    > > > Frostbite.
    > > >
    > > > 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    > > > A Nervous Wreck.
    > > >
    > > > 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    > > > Anyone Can Roast Beef.
    > > >
    > > > 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    > > > Right Where You Left Him.
    > > >
    > > > 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    > > > Because They Have Big Fingers.
    > > >
    > > > 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    > > > Because It Scares The Dog.
    > > >
    > > > 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    > > > Sanka.
    > > >
    > > > 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
    > > > The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
    > > >
    > > > 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    > > > Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
    > > >
    > > > 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad
    > > > A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
    > > > A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
    > > >
    > > > 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    > > > Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!
    > > >

  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    thought some of you might enjoy this.


    The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Obamas 2008 Contributors, see and bailout recipients there? University of California $1,648,685.
    Goldman Sachs $1,013,091.
    Harvard University $878,164.
    Microsoft Corp $852,167.
    Google Inc $814,540.
    JPMorgan Chase & Co $808,799.
    Citigroup Inc $736,771.
    Time Warner $624,618.
    Sidley Austin LLP $600,298.
    Stanford University $595,716.
    National Amusements Inc $563,798.
    WilmerHale LLP $550,668.
    Columbia University $547,852.
    Skadden, Arps et al $543,539.
    UBS AG $532,674.
    ...IBM Corp $532,372.
    General Electric $529,855.
    US Government $513,308.
    Morgan Stanley $512,232.
    Latham & Watkins $503,295.

    ""Here are some of Obama's investment...SCANDALS
    1. RASER TECHNOLOGIES in 2010, which has fewer then 10 employees, was given $33 million to build a power plant. According to the Wall Street Journal the company FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY HEARING this year.
    2. ECOtality in 2009 was given $126.2 million for the installation of 14,000 car chargers in 5 states. The company has since incurred more than $45 million in losses, and the company is under investigation for insider trading.
    3. NEVADA GEOTHERMAL POWER was given $98.5 million in 2010. The New York Times reported in October that the company is in "financial turmoil," and there was significant doubt the company's ability to continue as a going concern.
    4. FIRST SOLAR was given $3 billion for power plants in Arizona and California, and Business week reported their stocks fell to a record low after reporting $401 million restructuring costs, and had fired 30 percent of its workforce.
    5. ABOUND SOLAR was given $400 million to build photo-voltaic panel factories. Forbes reports in February the company halted production and laid off 180 employees. In June of 2012, Abound went BANKRUPT.
    6. BEACON POWER was given $43 million even though Standard and Poor's had given the company a dismal outlook. Last fall the company received a delisting from NASDAQ and has FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY.
    7. SUNPOWER was given $1.2 billion and as of January owed more then it was worth.
    8. BRIGHT SOURCE was given $1.6 billion and then posted a string of net losses totaling $177 million.
    9. SOLYNDRA, a solar panel manufacture, was given $535 million and since then has gone BANKRUPT.

    "Of all these grants and loans 71 percent of the money went to "individuals who were bundlers",
    members of Obama's NATION FINANCE COMMITTEE, or large donors to the Democratic Party."

    Tonopah Solar got $737 million (larger than Solyndra)
    Tonopah Solar is run by Nancy Pelosi's brother-in-law.."
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

    On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

    I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
    He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

    And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I was watching COPS just now and it showed this lady fighting with the police as they tried to get her out of her car. One officer told her to calm down or she would be tazed. I guess she was too drunk to comprehend because she kept fighting. So, he shot her in the * from the passenger side through the car. Dropped her like a rock! I gotta get me one of those.
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    YouTube 577-T-Rex,if you like big guns you'll love this[B)]
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    So I mentioned early this week that I got a new job. Well, turns out the company is planning me on laying me off next friday or today, not sure. I was about to turn in my resignation and 2 week notice letter when I found out. So now I'm hoping they give me a severance package as I did not let them know I'm leaving anyway. I've never been so pleased with being laid-off.
  • davcondavcon Member Posts: 139 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A shepherd was tending his flock in a remotepasture when suddenly a brand-new JeepCherokee appeared out of a dust cloud,advanced toward him and topped.The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearinga Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Oakley sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."The young man parked his car, whipped out hisnotebook computer, connected it to a cellphone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!""Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd.The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?""Okay, why not," answered the young man.You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you'reworking for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd."Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're doing because you just took my dog.Mudge the humorist
    I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!
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