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Flying Follies (funny!)
Iconoclast
Member Posts: 10,515 ✭✭✭
This was sent to me by a friend. I've not been able to stop chuckling for several minutes, but that may be my warped sense of humor. Some of these are howlers. Particularly enjoyed the last one.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some REAL examples of what has been heard:
(1) On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
(2) On landing the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
(3) "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
(4) "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
(5) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
(6) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
(7) From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, andpull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
(8) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."
(9) "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
(10) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,.in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
(11) "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
(12) And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
(13) Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
(14) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remainseated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
(15) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He reported that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, expecting someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had exited except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
(16) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on the loudspeaker with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
(17) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence. After a few minutes, the captain came back on theintercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some REAL examples of what has been heard:
(1) On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
(2) On landing the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
(3) "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
(4) "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
(5) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
(6) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
(7) From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, andpull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
(8) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."
(9) "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
(10) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,.in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
(11) "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
(12) And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
(13) Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
(14) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remainseated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
(15) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He reported that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, expecting someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had exited except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
(16) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on the loudspeaker with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
(17) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence. After a few minutes, the captain came back on theintercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Comments
If I'm wrong please correct me, I won't be offended.
The sound of a 12 gauge pump clears a house fatser than Rosie O eats a Big Mac !
If I knew then, what I know now.
Wish I would have had these to hand out.
They're great!!!
Thanks.
Happy Bullet Holes!
Best!!
Rugster
Toujours Pret
"It was like that when I got here".