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The Pet Shop

nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
edited March 2002 in General Discussion
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two tennage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
    edited November -1
    Title: The Pet Shop
    From: And Now For Something Completely Different
    Transcribed By: Bret Shefter ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET )
    Edited By: Adam Fogg


    A customer enters a pet shop.

    Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

    (The owner does not respond.)

    C: 'Ello, Miss?
    Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
    C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
    O: We're closin' for lunch.
    C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
    purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
    O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
    C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
    wrong with it!
    O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
    C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
    at one right now.
    O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
    Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
    C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
    O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
    C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
    (shouting at the cage)
    'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
    you show...(owner hits the cage)
    O: There, he moved!
    C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
    O: I never!!
    C: Yes, you did!
    O: I never, never did anything...
    C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
    Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

    (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
    in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

    C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
    O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
    C: STUNNED?!?
    O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
    stun easily, major.
    C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
    That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
    ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
    tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
    O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
    C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
    did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
    O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
    squire? Lovely plumage!
    C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
    and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
    the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

    (pause)

    O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
    it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
    VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
    C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
    through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
    O: No no! 'E's pining!
    C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
    to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
    of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
    pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
    the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
    down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
    THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

    (pause)

    O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
    (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
    O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
    right out of parrots.
    C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
    O: I got a slug.

    (pause)

    C: Pray, does it talk?
    O: Nnnnot really.
    C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

    O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...
    A LUMBERJACK!
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  • offerorofferor Member Posts: 8,625 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I heard another one:Woman goes to pet shop to buy some security for her home. The dealer recommends a green parrot. She says, "What could a green parrot possibly do in the way of security?"The shopowner says, "Watch this," and turns to the parrot. Pointing to a rug on the floor, he says, "Green parrot, the rug!" The parrot streaks off the perch, snatches the rug in beak and claws and tears the living daylights out of it, pieces flying in all directions, then calmly flies back to its perch.The woman, amazed, says, "Let ME try that!" Throwing her hat on the floor she points down and says, "Green parrot, the hat!" Again, the parrot dive-bombs to the floor and tears the living p*** out of the hat. When there's nothing left but a few strands it calmly flies back to the perch. Impressed, she says, "I'll take it!" Pays the man, grabs parrot & perch, and goes home.Her husband comes home from work and says, "Honey, did you get a pet for home security?"She says, "Look honey, I got this green parrot!"He yells, "Green parrot, my *!"
    "The 2nd Amendment is about defense, not hunting. Long live the gun shows, and reasonable access to FFLs. Join the NRA -- I'm a Life Member."
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  • BoltactionManBoltactionMan Member Posts: 2,048 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Geez, Nunn, you didn't have to put my name out there for all my new friends to read.KC
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