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Dear Bank,
nunn
Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
Alleged to be an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times. (but word is still out on whether they took it seriously enough to make any changes)
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu, to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from, "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:"
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any Debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Name Withheld
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu, to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from, "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:"
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any Debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Name Withheld
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
Comments
The post says it all, and could go for drs, laywers, etc..
IF ONLY...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Life NRA Member
If dishonorable men shoot unarmed men with army guns, the evil must be prevented by the penitentiary and not by general deprivation of constitutional privilege." - Arkansas Supreme Court, 1878
I suddenly realized it was time to adopt a "buyer's policy" which would carry equal weight as any seller's that I deal with. Those who bother to read my "Me" page get an eyeful of my expectations for sellers, among other things.
Ebay may actually be creating questions that need asking in order to create a better American business model for the 21st century. Who died and made sellers God? Nobody. Same holds for banks, credit card companies, mortgage companies, cable TV companies, phone companies -- get my drift? It certainly has changed the way I deal with all these entities -- or don't deal with them.
- Life NRA Member
If dishonorable men shoot unarmed men with army guns, the evil must be prevented by the penitentiary and not by general deprivation of constitutional privilege." - Arkansas Supreme Court, 1878
~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
It's funny that you mentioned that. I often get fed up with receiving so much junk mail that I will collect it for a week and then put it back in the postage-paid "business reply envelopes" and send it back to the companies who sent it to me in the first place. Of course, I will include a post it note letting them know how much I "enjoyed" their junk mail and how much I hope they enjoy receiving it back! :-)
"Gun control is not about guns; it's about control." "If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson."
After he got done sputtering, both situations were worked out in a correct manor, including an apology....
Edited by - william81 on 05/13/2002 12:36:54
Of course, service charges for ATM's are another issue altogether.