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What to do - Friend losing it

mlincolnmlincoln Member Posts: 5,039 ✭✭✭
edited December 2017 in General Discussion
My oldest buddy, guy I've known since we were little kids, is losing it. He's been under a good bit of stress and works two jobs. His wife is a cow and a pain in the butt and one of those people that just causes problems for no damn reason. She's a stay at home mom with three kids but every time you go over there the house is a mess and her "cooking" is something like ordering pizza.

My buddy is just losing it. Every time we get together he just rants and rants about his job and things that make him mad and on and on. He got in trouble at work, a formal complaint was filed, because he went off and yelled a lot at a person from another company in front of a bunch of customers. The complaint sort of got swept under the rug because he's a good employee, but if he gets another one it won't be.

I tell him all the time to calm down, that with five mouths to feed he needs his jobs, that if he loses one or both because of a freak out he will not be able to get another. He says I know, I know, and two minutes later he's ranting about something else. The other day we're eating lunch in a restaurant and he's going off about something ridiculous and I say, "Hey, you can think about that another way" and he snapped and started yelling at me, and then caught himself because everybody looked over.

I have talked to him and talked to him. If he loses his job over an outburst or for screaming at somebody, he will lose his professional license. I've seen it happen. I do not know what to do.
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Comments

  • SCOUT5SCOUT5 Member Posts: 16,181 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A grown man has to make his own decisions and deal with the outcomes. You've told him, there's not much more a friend can do.
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  • KnifecollectorKnifecollector Member Posts: 3,267 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Losing one of his jobs might be the only way to get his attention. He won't change until he decides that he wants to.
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  • jimdeerejimdeere Member, Moderator Posts: 26,277 ******
    edited November -1
    You hear about husbands that go for a loaf of bread and never come back.
    Maybe...
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  • mlincolnmlincoln Member Posts: 5,039 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If he loses his job he will lose his home. He's barely making ends meet as it is.

    He's a great person, a true friend. Part of me says that I have told him several times I'm worried about the way he's being, and that's all I need to do. The other part of me wants to run him over with my Buick, whatever it takes to get his attention.
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  • asphalt cowboyasphalt cowboy Member Posts: 8,904 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    He's going through the same basic poop I did with my ex gf.
    The world was supposed to revolve around her,she had no cares at all for the definition of "budget", and to exacerbate the problems her 'so called' adult? son is the center of her universe. So much so that dolling up his house (that he hadn't moved into yet because it was unlivable) was more important than paying taxes on ours.
    First, I kicked the freeloading son out. Then I kicked the * out.
    My outlook on life improved exponentially. The guys at work were even commenting on the improvement in my disposition.

    What you've been telling him only addresses the symptoms, not the root of his problems.
    My advise to him. Kick the freeloading broad out.
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  • shilowarshilowar Member Posts: 38,811 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by jimdeere
    You hear about husbands that go for a loaf of bread and never come back.
    Maybe...


    Or wives that go for a jog and never comeback...oh wait she doesn't sound like the jogging type so that won't work...sigh
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  • Wild TurkeyWild Turkey Member Posts: 2,425 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    He needs to look into "Stress Management"

    BTDT[:(]

    The "Serenity Prayer", based on a prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, is a good place to start:

    quote:God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference

    Sounds like he's got too much on his plate between jobs and family life and nowhere to let off steam. He needs to start exercising or something to get rid of some of the stress and bring him back from the edge.

    Not a good situation. [:(]
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  • montanajoemontanajoe Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 60,240 ******
    edited November -1
    he needs help. Stress / financial counseling. His wife needs counseling also.
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  • wpageabcwpageabc Member Posts: 8,760 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Agree with Montana Joe. Your friend needs help. Advise him to seek a way. Either thru.

    Church
    Counseling with family
    Marrige encounter
    Medical check up for blood pressure etc.
    Employee assistance
    "What is truth?'
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  • bullshotbullshot Member Posts: 14,718 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Sorry about your friend but you can't fix the world. The best you can do for him (above what you have already done) is to urge him to get some sort of counseling.
    "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you"
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  • mag00mag00 Member Posts: 4,719 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I've lost friends to drugs. Not much you can do for them. Important part is to make sure you take care of yourself and not go down with them.

    Instead of telling him to calm down, tell him to breath. Then you take a deep breath and slowly exhale while looking him in the eyes. Repeat until he joins in a few times.

    You may wish to join a support group. You can't change him, but you sure can take care of yourself.
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  • scooterdriverscooterdriver Member Posts: 1,197 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You're doing it. Wish I had more friends like you. Be there, offer sage advise, and don't enable.

    Note of caution given that he snapped on you already - Be careful. If things go south and he totally loses it, make sure you won't get drug down at the same time.
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  • Smitty500magSmitty500mag Member Posts: 13,623 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Next time he snaps at you hit him right between the eyes! He needs somebody to put him in his place.
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  • GrasshopperGrasshopper Member Posts: 17,041 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Council all you want, but the wife has to go, guarantee that. She is a fat cow now andbdoes nothing that won't change, nope, I would pack it up and tell him get out, take the kids if you can and get a divorce .
    Stay away from him for a bit after you tell him, imo.
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  • TwoDogsTwoDogs Member Posts: 2,011 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Bring the "cow' up to speed.
    Lay down some guidelines for her and the kids.
    Establish some order on the home-front.
    THAT will help with some of the stress.

    Bite tongue at work and do the
    job.
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  • select-fireselect-fire Member Posts: 69,524 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Somehow he has created all the issues himself. Wife is most likely a spendaholic and putting more pressure on... He needs to go to the Dr. and explain some one on one. Maybe some Medication or he needs to step back from his job and find something less stressful. Stress will make him die an early age.
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  • djh860djh860 Member Posts: 3,232 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    How was he raised? It sounds like he has self respect issues. Something is eating at his craw and it started a long time ago would be my guess. Finding God works for some people in those spots for others a therapist. For me a good work out , friends and family does the trick.
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  • OakieOakie Member Posts: 40,565 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    He needs to go see someone, to talk about his health. He is headed for a heart attack. I know. Stress will kill him, long before his job or wife. Sometimes, staying with someone, just to make it better for the kids, has a reverse reaction. You did all you could as a friend. If a kick in the * from a good friend is not enough, he is headed down a dark path. Oak
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  • mjrfd99mjrfd99 Member Posts: 4,553 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    ^^^^^ This!!!
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  • gunnut505gunnut505 Member Posts: 10,290 ✭
    edited November -1
    Take him shooting.
    Bring the biggest calibers you own, and toss in a couple 12 guages for "extra".
    The one thing that keeps many folks I know from just laying waste to the immediate area is shooting large caliber arms at inanimate objects until you're too bruised to continue.
    Then, have a frosty adult beverage while you clean 'em & chat about current events.

    Anything else is gonna be too little, too late.
    He's stressed that things are wearing him down, that the wifey isn't pulling her weight, that the kids are being indoctrinated into good little Socia lists instead of learning anything, that his job sucks, there's no recognition for a hard days' work, that the other employees shirk all the time, etc.

    Add to all that the pressure of the holidays, and expectations of a decent bonus or turkey, weather trouble, and all the rest; and you can see his last nerve straining to pop out of his forehead.

    If going shooting don't do it; collect all his guns, and tell him you're going to clean them for him (for about 2 weeks).
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  • spec.4spec.4 Member Posts: 897 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I would suggest that he leave with the kids and hoping he has family near by. It takes two to keep an house hold these day. That's what i suggest to an driend about 18 months ago with somewhat the same problem.

    Rob
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  • mnrivrat48mnrivrat48 Member Posts: 1,707 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    The stress is making him fall into a state of mental illness. (don't ask me how I know).
    When you work long hours and at stressful job/s, then come home to a non supportive and problem/stressful making house hold -you have no escape. Based on my life experience he needs to find a different place to come home to. Not at all easy, but a stess related breakdown has negative effects that last forever.

    The words shape up, or one of us is shipping out, needs to be considered.
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  • nmyersnmyers Member Posts: 16,892 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Yes, he needs to see someone. My first suggestion would be a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. You've done about as much as a friend could possibly do.

    The guys are right: he is headed towards serious trouble, & he needs to get straightened out right away.

    One thing he probably can't do is kick out his wife; in most states, all you can do when you have domestic problems is ---- leave.

    Neal
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