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Groaners
Sawz
Member Posts: 6,049
A woman marries a traveling salesman. He's a nice guy, but he's never at
home She is very lonely, so she decides to have him cloned. This way,
when the original is gone, the clone can take his place. The clone turns
out to be an exact copy, except for one thing. He curses all the time.
Finally,she can stand no more, so she pushes him down an elevator shaft
to this death. The District Attorney couldn't arrest the woman for
murder since the clone was not a true human and finally charged the
woman with making an obscene clone fall.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.
Did you read in the paper about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? The headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Respect your Tools"
"Freedom is not Free"
home She is very lonely, so she decides to have him cloned. This way,
when the original is gone, the clone can take his place. The clone turns
out to be an exact copy, except for one thing. He curses all the time.
Finally,she can stand no more, so she pushes him down an elevator shaft
to this death. The District Attorney couldn't arrest the woman for
murder since the clone was not a true human and finally charged the
woman with making an obscene clone fall.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.
Did you read in the paper about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? The headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Respect your Tools"
"Freedom is not Free"
Comments
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years..
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records..
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion..'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!' replied the man.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.
'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied.
'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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Get the job done and come home safe guys.
I rush in where others flee.