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Strange biblical "interpretations
alledan
Member Posts: 19,541
The following biblical "interpretations" were actual answers from students compiled by Richard Lederer. They appeared in the December 31, 1995, edition of National Review magazine. It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a stongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which was another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wive. This is called monotony. The Bible preaches against polygamy, because it says that no man can serve two masters.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a stongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which was another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wive. This is called monotony. The Bible preaches against polygamy, because it says that no man can serve two masters.
Comments
Why does man kill? He kills for food. But not only for food; frequently, he must have a beverage.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
Why does man kill? He kills for food. But not only for food; frequently, he must have a beverage.
To err is human, to moo is bovine.
Would you believe; > there is more evidence documented, and 'time & events' that are cross referenced between credible historical scholars that Jesus existed?
>More actual historical writings ot those days depicting His existance than any of us?
For some, the answer is no. But that won't change history whether one wants to disbelieve facts.
Wish I could write more, however it's our first anniversary, and we're off to our diner reservations.
Happy Bullet Holes!
1. A tragic hero
2. A dupe of the king
3. An incompetent moron
4. A coward
5. A traitor
Oddly, each "scholar" appeals to the exact same "evidence", only emphasizing some facts and downplaying others to argue his point of view.
Three questions:
1. Which "point of view" is correct?
2. On what basis do we decide which "point of view" is correct?
3. Is believing a "point of view" the same thing as knowing the past?
I suspect that choosing between historical alternatives is more akin to selecting a necktie than having the truth about a past event. And the same habits of investigation and interpretation found in historical "scholarship" are even more rampant and less discerning in hermeneutics.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. But not only for food; frequently, he must have a beverage.
If you take the first 3 pages, GOD lied and the serpent (Animal)not (angel) told the truth ,late god made him an angel to shut him up but
later broke the contract so he went on strike and turn ugly ,(God requisited his makeupkit......)
HARRRR HARRRRR HARRRRR ~!!!!!!
400 million cows can't be wrong ( EAT GRASS !!! )
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Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!kimberkid@gunbroker.zzn.com
? otherwise, you'll find an excuse.
They would be described as students, or perhaps reporters who were inaccurate to say the least.
The differences between the historical scholars who provided corroborated evidence of the 'time & event' accounts were written by Romans, Greeks, and Hebrews. They were written in three very different distinct languages, multiple writters, and cultures. When translated, and cross referenced---matched, agreeded with, and verified each other accounts of the "time & events".
You pose three good ???'s.
Touching on #3 first,...Believing a point of view has nothing to do with the accuracy of core basis of the facts. Ie, I could say that I'm going to run a red light and not have an accident. It is my point of view. If you choose to believe it, that's ok.
However if I run the light, and I do have an accident, not only are we BOTH wrong, but,...for your sake I hope your not in my car.
Now #2,...Suppose you disagree with my "point of view". You know that there is a lot of of traffic. That volume of traffic is evidence that a great possibility exist that I will/can have an accident. Your knowledge is a good basis to believe that I'm wrong.
#1,...The only way either one of us is right is for me to run the stop light. The result is only showing whose "point of view" is MORE correct. A 50/50 chance either way.
From a stastical view, the percentages change alot.
Unfortunately even with 'direct evidence' people today choose to ignore facts, and decide to act just like the #3 example.
For example: an athiest is one who professes to believe there is no god. A being of higher intelligence, superiority, etc
That is an illogical premise. They themselves are actually saying,"I can't see or grasp anything beyond the tip of my reach, or knowledge". Therefore nothing exists beyond that."
"Since I know what I know,...then there is nothing more knowledgeable, nothing more superior above me."
That is living in the intellectual dark ages. The world is still flat.
Happy Bullet Holes!
I am reminded of the antagonist in Dostoyevsky's "Notes From The Underground", who complained that '2+2 = 4'. He thought that this was an impossible tyranny, and that he had the right to believe that '2+2 = 5'.
And so he does have that right. But if he stands 2+2 feet away from a railraod track when a train approaches, and jumps the distance, that right of his will not keep him from being a broken, bloody mess on the tracks.
Nothing of such precision exists in history...or hermeneutics. There is no convenient objective test (like an oncoming train or the stop sign you mention) to settle who is correct. And so it remains a matter of belief.
There is nothing wrong believing something is true when another person does not. What is wrong, however, is to claim that your belief is true IN FACT, when there is no objective test to prove or disprove it.
I liken your argument regarding the atheist to the story about "The Emperor's New Clothes". From where you sit, you see a king wearing a fine robe; from where the atheist sits, he sees a naked king. Again, if you believe something that another person does not, and there is no objective way to confirm it one way or the other, then I think we must content ourselves with our having faith that such-and-such is the case. And while there is nothing wrong with that, it must also be noted that having faith is not the same thing as knowing the truth...only knowing what is true for you.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. But not only for food; frequently, he must have a beverage.