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Groaner
HAIRY
Member Posts: 23,606
There's a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there: Demi, Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you:
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. [:o)]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. [:o)]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Comments
Some are sharing their winnings -- some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the Diocese for sorting.
Once sorted into the respective casino chips one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning the chips into cash.
He is known as The chip monk. [:o)][:o)]
volenti non fit injuria
They say, "A ghost."
He says, "No, I'm............ Osama bed Linen" [:o)]
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." Winston Churchill
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So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide". [:D]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Hypocrisy is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A: Rash Decisions [:D]
The angel answered, "I like to dance."
"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours
leave, to return to earth and dance."
"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank.
Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again.
Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."
St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"
"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco." [:o)][:o)]
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Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions. [;)][}:)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A- Crazy glue
Hit CTRL-A for answer
"If ever time should come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced Patriots to prevent its ruin." Samuel Adams
A - Make me one with everything.
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Ben Franklin
"I'm a man...but I can change...If I have to...I guess." Red Green
A while later, the surgeon comes out and the other string bean jumps up and says "How is my friend?"
The surgeon says, "I have good news and bad news."
The string bean says "Give me the good news first."
The surgeon says "Well, he's going to live."
The bean says "Well, what's the bad news?"
The surgeon says "He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life!" [:(]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A blonde at a flashing red light..[:o)]
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
"For Whom the Tells Bowled."
Ding-a-ling
Some people get up and say"Good Morning Lord"
Others get up and say "Good Lord,it's morning.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''[:D][}:)]
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?" [;)][}:)]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld
figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar asdown payment for the dirty deed.!
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless
husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
[You're going to hate me for this]
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS"
"To expect bad people not to do wrong is madness, for he who expects this desires an impossibility. But to allow people to behave so to others, and to expect them not to do you any wrong, is irrational and tyrannical." --Marcus Aurelius
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It's going to be called Cheese's of Nazareth
[:p][:p]
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
"If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun." The Dalai Lama
so well that they decided to have a baby. The husband wanted
the baby to have a name that epitomized "Jewish people of
today." His wife wanted the baby to have a meaningful, Chinese
name.
After much thought they chose to combine two very meaningful
names into one for their special boy. They named him Cha-Ching. [:o)]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
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Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
During the night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed . . . . "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
AMEN!
[}:)][8D]
It's not what you know that gets you in trouble, it's what you know that just ain't so!
Resident Pyrrhonist
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change." [:o)]
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
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On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
> first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running
> the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine
> health. I could find no problems.
> I did notice one abnormality however."
>
> "Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
>
> "Well, you have no nipples."
>
> "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
>
> "That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The
South
>
> Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
>
> She said, "That's ok with me."
>
> "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
>
> She answered, "Approximately 500."
>
> "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. "
>
> Running Doe replied, "We're called............
>
>
>
>
>
> groan first......
>
>
>
>
> "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
The researchers have no idea where the species originated and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
>Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of
>the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
>The Marine was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both
>men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
>The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
>highway here, while coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
>each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to
>him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag; and he yelled
>back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
>liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses
>and acts like a
>frigid, mean-spirited woman!"
>He retaliated by yelling, "Oh, yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
>"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
>when a truck hit us."
At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet
opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head
of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goering...
".....see, in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kinda catapult the propaganda. -- George W. Bush, Greece, New York, May 24, 2005"
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he
finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So
he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me
and learn about God?"...
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo chips... It mean someone stole tent."
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
Frog
GO NAVY, BEAT ARMY