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What not to say to a woman
sharkman69
Member Posts: 858 ✭
I happen to be an expert on women, primarily in the specialty of what NOT to say to them. Here's a few examples that I'd like to share, so that you can learn from the master what NOT to say:
One time, while arguing with my ex-girlfriend Liz, she slapped me on the side of the head. Since it didn't hurt, I laughed in her face and said "That didn't even hurt. You hit like a girl!" Well, she wound up and smacked me so hard that my head snapped back. Never made that mistake again.
My ex-girlfriend Amy once told me her hips were 39 inches. I asked "Is that width, or circumference?" She kicked me.
My friend Kim was showing me a picture of her baby, and said "He has his father's eyes." I replied "Oh, so you know who the father is?" Kicked again.
There's more, but these are just some of the situations that other men might find themselves in. Guys, women don't seem to have a very good sense of humor, so be careful what you say to them. Any other situations that some of you wish to share?
One time, while arguing with my ex-girlfriend Liz, she slapped me on the side of the head. Since it didn't hurt, I laughed in her face and said "That didn't even hurt. You hit like a girl!" Well, she wound up and smacked me so hard that my head snapped back. Never made that mistake again.
My ex-girlfriend Amy once told me her hips were 39 inches. I asked "Is that width, or circumference?" She kicked me.
My friend Kim was showing me a picture of her baby, and said "He has his father's eyes." I replied "Oh, so you know who the father is?" Kicked again.
There's more, but these are just some of the situations that other men might find themselves in. Guys, women don't seem to have a very good sense of humor, so be careful what you say to them. Any other situations that some of you wish to share?
Comments
I was with a girlfriend in Colorado and we were skiing. It was all of our first times. Anyway, some of us picked it up quickly, but my girlfriend did not. She finally got so irritated that she literally sat on her skis and pushed herself down the slope where she remained at the lodge most of the day.
Just before closing time she went back up and tried it again this time doing just fine and before long she was zipping down the hill.
When we made it back to the car she said she had fun, I said what's not to enjoy, ski for 5 minutes, pout all afternoon, then ski for 5 more minutes... It was a LONG trip back to Missouri! [:I]
Anyway, a few months ago, I came home from work one day, walked through the door, threw my keys on the counter and let out my customary "iiiittttsssss DADDY!!"
The four women, sitting in the living room in complete silence, all snapped me a look that said, "WHAT IN THE HE!! ARE YOU DOING HERE!!"
I made the comment that "maybe I should have just kept right on driving up I-5 tonight".
All but my 15 year old got up, walked single file down the hall and retired to their respective bedrooms, without saying another word or even looking in my direction.
As I stood there speechless, the 15 yr. old walked to the counter, picked up my keys, took my hand turning it palm up, and dropped the keys into the open hand.
I could only give her a blank stare and she waited for a few seconds ,,,, before asking if I needed directions back to I-5! [B)]
She'll make someone a fine wife one day.[:D]
The Bush administration sends tens of thousands of American military to protect the sovereignty of nations around the world, while trading our own sovereignty for hispanic votes!
Anything were blame is placed on them
Your wrong
I'm right
Told ya so
If force ain't work'n... Your not use'n nough of it.
I know the spelling is bad but guess what I DON'T CARE
Another bad one I've seen performed several times, but avoided myself . . . in answer to the question "Does this make me look fat / old?" (or any similar variation along the same lines): yes.
"There is nothing lower than the human race - except the French." (Mark Twain)
Another time she was feeling romantic and she tried to be cute by asking how much of her body I loved and I thought saying every square inch was too much of a cliche. I made the mistake of saying every cubic foot. LONGER week.
257
You're a statistic whether you want to be or not.
Another bad one I've seen performed several times, but avoided myself . . . in answer to the question "Does this make me look fat / old?" (or any similar variation along the same lines): yes.
No, the _______ doesn't make you look fat/old you are fat/old. [}:)]
Get the job done and come home safe guys.
I rush in where others flee.
As luck would have it, we finished dining together, and as we exited the joint, I was right behind her and in a low voice sang a verse of that eighties song "I wear my sunglasses at night".
Well, the old battle-axe heard that and snapped around and barked "You would too, if you were BLIND!!!"
Man, I just slithered back into the wagon-rut. [xx(]
Another bad one I've seen performed several times, but avoided myself . . . in answer to the question "Does this make me look fat / old?" (or any similar variation along the same lines): yes.
Whenever my wife asks "Do I look fat in this?" I answer with "Do I look stupid?"
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
My wife told me one time that she was going to cut me off.
I'd be single soon if my wife ever told me that... She can think it, and more or less do it, but to threaten it would put us in divorce court! [B)]
quote:she slapped me on the side of the head. Since it didn't hurt, I laughed in her face
I once did the same thing when my mother slapped me. I was 17, 260 lb def tackle on the ball team...a real big guy with an attitude. When I started laughing at my mother, she really got mad. Picked up a broom and broke it right over my head and if you remember the old broomhandles you know it's not like a regular piece of wood.
To this day, I've NEVER laughed at my Mother again.[B)]
"the difference between the almost right word and the right word is like the difference between a lightning bug and a lightning bolt" - Mark Twain.
"I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY"
With four women in the house, it's a given that, sooner or later, they'll all start their "cycle" on the same day.
This reminded me of when Amy and I broke up for the fifth, and final time. I sensed it was really over, and there were a lot of things I always wanted to say, but was afraid to before. I figured I wasn't going to have this chance again, so while she was expecting to hear "Come on, hon, we can work this out. I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah", she got "You know what really surprises me? This is June, so I figured I had at least two more good months until your semi-annual b**ch session." Shocked, she replied "My what?" So I said " It seems like every six months, you seem compelled to tell me everything that, in YOUR opinion, is wrong with me. Well, the last one was in February, so I figured I had two more months until the next one." She said "What, do you have me on some sort of lunar cycle or something?" I came back with "No, but speaking of cycles, I don't suppose it's a coincidence that you're acting like this at this time of the month."
I didn't just burn that bridge, I vaporized it. Never saw or heard from her again after that night. Oh well.
"There is nothing lower than the human race - except the French." (Mark Twain)
quote:Originally posted by stanman
With four women in the house, it's a given that, sooner or later, they'll all start their "cycle" on the same day.
This reminded me of when Amy and I broke up for the fifth, and final time. I sensed it was really over, and there were a lot of things I always wanted to say, but was afraid to before. I figured I wasn't going to have this chance again, so while she was expecting to hear "Come on, hon, we can work this out. I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah", she got "You know what really surprises me? This is June, so I figured I had at least two more good months until your semi-annual b**ch session." Shocked, she replied "My what?" So I said " It seems like every six months, you seem compelled to tell me everything that, in YOUR opinion, is wrong with me. Well, the last one was in February, so I figured I had two more months until the next one." She said "What, do you have me on some sort of lunar cycle or something?" I came back with "No, but speaking of cycles, I don't suppose it's a coincidence that you're acting like this at this time of the month."
I didn't just burn that bridge, I vaporized it. Never saw or heard from her again after that night. Oh well.
Our new Ambassador to France. You should get along just great with bothe the Frence women and man(sic).
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.