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Funny Stuff About Women (and Men)

nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,085 ******
edited February 2004 in General Discussion
One day a man is walking down the beach and comes acrossn an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork... Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says,"Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."The man says, "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light and adetailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!================================== For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage .... TWO YEAR DEGREE A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree. (Male Arts)Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 3 am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE: (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 COURSE ELECTIVES: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ======================================Martha Stewart vs. the Real Women's Way: Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it. Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND! Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. And finally the most important tip ...... Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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