todays funny

shootlow

A clip from the Tonight Show .. pretty funny

http://www.flixxy.com/michael-carbonaro-the-magic-clerk.htm

shootlow

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up. "

shootlow

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why
he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


....HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you meanies who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you meanies who are getting on, get your * in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat onager in the kitchen."

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the
officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back
of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish woman. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse
is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this
cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home."

True to her word when the Amish woman got home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said, he would put a new one on
immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free-style, breast stroke, even the butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
[[:D][:p][:D]



"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!?
Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket". To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up. "

shootlow

This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

Lt.RRG


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A flatlander walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The flatlander is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the flatlander says, "What's that noise?"

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still
snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon
a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse
reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm
an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me,
I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely
out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd
like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build
like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual
equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the
bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full
speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the
run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now,
he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My
God, I was riding the mare!"


Lt.RRG


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A blonde lady calls her boyfriend and tells him in an excited voice, he must come over imediatly and give her a hand with this killer jigsaw puzzle she jut got. "It's awsome" she tells him, "hurry on over, I can't wait to get started!"
"What is it supposed to be?" he asks.
"Well the picture on the box is a tiger." she replies. "It is very complicated and I cant find any starting pieces, hurry up!"
He agrees to come over and heads to her house.
When arrives she meets him at the door very excited. Taking him by the hand she leads him into the kitchen where the pieces are spread out over the table. Standing in front of the table squeezing his hand she says in a very excited tone, "Isn't this going to be great?"
Looking at the table, the boyfriend sighs, gives her hand a squeeze and says "Babe, After we drink the coffee, we will put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Lt.RRG


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

Lt.RRG


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his
pond with his hand. The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das
Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have pooped in it!")
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

shootlow

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up. "

shootlow

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee


"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up. "

shootlow

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

Lt.RRG

"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."

shootlow

Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized . 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[;)]

James Ayers

[8D]I love the Mississippi river.[^][^][^][^]

On your mark-get set- go away!!