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Funny Army Stories
mlincoln
Member Posts: 5,039 ✭✭✭
These stories were told to me by a friend.
My friend went into the army. Her father was in the army, a colonel, and "well-placed" as she said. She got all checked out and signed up and went off to boot camp. Her first day there they measured her, checked her over, had her do some physical fitness stuff, and told her to get over in that line over there. As she was walking over she realized to her horror that this was the line for people who needed extra physical training and slimming down at the start of boot camp. Regular old boot camp was no fun indeed, but they were sending her off for twice the exercise and half the food.
She said she got in line, stood there thinking about the sheer misery ahead of her for the next month, and then when nobody was looking ran over and go in the regular line.
Of course she got caught. The person who had sent her over there saw her in the wrong line and about had a stroke. He came over and started just ripping into her, turning purple in the face, and then saw her name. She said he stopped, looked at her name again, and asked her in a quiet voice, "Are your Colonel *******'s daughter?" She nodded her head yes.
There was a tiny pause, and then he screamed, "Do you intend to attack every single task like your very life depended upon it? Do you intend to work your * off and beg for more?" She screamed yes, yes indeed, and she got to stay in the regular line.
She also said that at the end of basic training she had to run a big obstacle course and at the end of it had to lob an inert grenade through the window of some bunker. She's the last person in line to run the course, does the whole thing, gets to the grenade, throws it and misses. Do it again the instructors say. Off she goes, huffing and puffing again from the very start of the course. It's late, dinner time, and the instructors obviously want to be done with this. Round she goes, does it all, gets to the grenade, misses the window. Again, the instructors say.
So off she goes again from the start, it's getting quite late, she's quite tired as it's her third time and she's dragging, and she finally gets to the grenade part. She picks up the grenade and takes aim. "Wait!" the instructor shouts. "Perhaps you might feel a need to close with the enemy." My friend is all confused, huffing and puffing. She stands there. "Perhaps," the instructor sighs, "you might want to assault the objective." My friend is all confused. She's supposed to stand there and lob the thing 10 yards through the window.
"Run up to the bunker and stick it through the window!" yells another instructor who is over by the truck and is impatiently waiting to go to dinner. My friend finally understands, climbs up over the berm, runs over to the bunker, and sticks the grenade through the window.
My friend went into the army. Her father was in the army, a colonel, and "well-placed" as she said. She got all checked out and signed up and went off to boot camp. Her first day there they measured her, checked her over, had her do some physical fitness stuff, and told her to get over in that line over there. As she was walking over she realized to her horror that this was the line for people who needed extra physical training and slimming down at the start of boot camp. Regular old boot camp was no fun indeed, but they were sending her off for twice the exercise and half the food.
She said she got in line, stood there thinking about the sheer misery ahead of her for the next month, and then when nobody was looking ran over and go in the regular line.
Of course she got caught. The person who had sent her over there saw her in the wrong line and about had a stroke. He came over and started just ripping into her, turning purple in the face, and then saw her name. She said he stopped, looked at her name again, and asked her in a quiet voice, "Are your Colonel *******'s daughter?" She nodded her head yes.
There was a tiny pause, and then he screamed, "Do you intend to attack every single task like your very life depended upon it? Do you intend to work your * off and beg for more?" She screamed yes, yes indeed, and she got to stay in the regular line.
She also said that at the end of basic training she had to run a big obstacle course and at the end of it had to lob an inert grenade through the window of some bunker. She's the last person in line to run the course, does the whole thing, gets to the grenade, throws it and misses. Do it again the instructors say. Off she goes, huffing and puffing again from the very start of the course. It's late, dinner time, and the instructors obviously want to be done with this. Round she goes, does it all, gets to the grenade, misses the window. Again, the instructors say.
So off she goes again from the start, it's getting quite late, she's quite tired as it's her third time and she's dragging, and she finally gets to the grenade part. She picks up the grenade and takes aim. "Wait!" the instructor shouts. "Perhaps you might feel a need to close with the enemy." My friend is all confused, huffing and puffing. She stands there. "Perhaps," the instructor sighs, "you might want to assault the objective." My friend is all confused. She's supposed to stand there and lob the thing 10 yards through the window.
"Run up to the bunker and stick it through the window!" yells another instructor who is over by the truck and is impatiently waiting to go to dinner. My friend finally understands, climbs up over the berm, runs over to the bunker, and sticks the grenade through the window.
Comments
During AIT Drill Sargent Green, who did not enjoy my joking ways, was always telling me that I had lost my "military bearing". One day while dumping the trash at Hatcher Hall I found a small wheel bearing so I stuck it in my pocket. I kept that darn thing just waiting for the right time. Finally Drill Sargent Green came up to me during formation and for some reason he told me once again that I had lost my "military bearing", but I countered "No Drill Sargent, I didn't lose my bearing, I have it right here in my pocket", with that I pulled that bearing out of my pocket and handed it to him. He took that bearing and started laughing uncontrollably, it was so bad that he had to walk away. I heard one of the other Drill Sargents yell at me "Campbell, Drop, I don't know what you did but you should be pushing from doing it."
Sammy worked for a bra company before he was drafted and they were trying to be helpful winning the hearts and minds ect. of the Vietnamese people. I hear that the next day when he was trying to give them away was hilarious.
Bowing to the inevitable, my Sgt said over the PA, "Oh, what the hell- You will anyway- fire!"
All 30 shooters opened up on that deer with a 20 round magazine. Bits flew off shrubs, dirt kicked into the air. The deer ran from the left side of the range to the right, and disappeared into the woods, still running with tail flying in the air. No indication that deer had been touched.
My Sgt. turned to me, asked "Sir- did that REALLY just happen?" [:p]
At sick call a medic gave me a bunch of suppositories and told me to shove one of them up my butt, every day for a week. Well a week went by and I had no relief...and back to sick call they send me.
Sick call was busy and the medics were short tempered. The medic asked me if I followed their directions and I said yes. He gave me a cynical look , and proceed to show me how to do it..he took a suppository and said" first we take off the foil wrapper "....
I said, "What foil wrapper"......to this day, every time I see a foiled covered chocolate egg at Easter.......I get sentimental....
Just before the doors opened for breakfast, most of us were reassigned to be "line servers". One of the cooks showed us the portion size, & told us never to exceed that. Now, I knew that some of the guys were big eaters, & really needed more food than average, & I also knew that the mess hall always threw away lots of perfectly good food that was left over after every meal. The cook stood behind us as we began serving the troops. Soon, someone asked me for another scoop; I yelled, "One scoop only, keep moving!" This was repeated a few times, & I could see (out of the corner of my eye) the cook smile & walk away. I leaned over & put another scoop in the tray of the last guy who had asked, & again yelled, "One scoop only, keep moving!" It wasn't long before all the guys in line figured out what was happening, & all who wanted extra food got it; the other servers started doing the same thing that I did. We did the same thing at lunch & dinner.
So, at least for one day, everyone got enough to eat.
Neal
I was in Orlando in my 6th or 7th week of Basic when I was told to report to the Surgeon's office. There, he told me that the damage to my eyes (from a childhood bit of stupidity) should have precluded me from military service and that I had a choice; Go home now with a medical discharge or stay in. Of course, I opted to stay in.
On my way back to the barracks, I encountered a crusty old Chief and a 2nd Class who were obviously bored. They held me up and started grilling me on everything from the Doctor's Chit in my hand to the 11 General Orders. Being giddy with relief, I aced, ACED all their little quizzes.
Then the 2nd Class looked at me and said, "Do you always hold your head cocked to one side like that, Recruit?"
Without thinking (obviously), I said, "Thank GOD, Petty Officer so-and-so! For a moment, I thought it was you!" The Chief 'bout pissed himself trying not to laugh.
Worth. Every. Push.